


The Soundtrack

by KO5



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-26
Updated: 2016-12-14
Packaged: 2018-05-03 13:17:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 35
Words: 60,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5292272
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KO5/pseuds/KO5
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A wide variety of one-shots inspired by the O’Solo soundtrack that we never knew we needed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Colder Weather

**Author's Note:**

> Another ongoing fic?! Yeah, I know, I’m crazy. But here’s my rationale- sometimes when I’m listening to certain songs, ideas for stories start flowing through my head. They never leave me alone, so I figured, why not share them with the rest of the fandom? Contrary to popular belief when it comes to my writing, not every fic will be angsty- you’ll see plenty of different genres. Many of these one-shots are inspired by the master song list compiled by osaycanyousolo, but some are requests from followers on tumblr. If you think of a song you’d like me to write a one-shot to, just let me know in the “Ask” section on my tumblr (uswnt-ko5)! I’m open to anything :) 
> 
> I’m looking forward to this. It should be fun- plenty of O’Solo to go around all while discovering new music! So grab a pair of headphones, press play, and enjoy reading :)

_**Colder Weather | Zac Brown Band**_

* * *

 

 

 _Well it's a winding road_  
_When you’re in the lost and found_  
_You're a lover I'm a runner_  
_We go 'round 'n 'round_  
_And I love you but I leave you_  
_I don't want you but I need you_  
_You know it's you who calls me back here_

_//_

Hands intertwined seamlessly together, Hope and Kelley slowly came to a halt as they watched their teammates begin to disperse throughout the terminal. They had just wrapped up their last camp for the year. Aside from a few obligations here and there, the team was given two months of vacation until the New Year.

 

Pinoe looked towards the pair in understanding and softly informed, “I’ll give you two a minute…meet inside the plane?”

 

Hope nodded, looked at the gate in front of them and murmured, “I think this is where we go our separate ways…”

 

Kelley tightened her grip onto Hope. Noticing the added pressure to her hands, Hope sighed and turned to face her younger teammate.

 

“Kelley, you have to let go…”

 

Before Hope could speak again, the shorter brunette wrapped her arms around her waist. Hope rested her head gently on the shorter woman and stroked her hair. It only took a few more seconds before she felt her shirt slightly damp from Kelley’s tears.

 

“I don’t want to let go.”

 

Kelley had finally pulled away from their embrace and looked to the floor, afraid she would crumble even more if she stared into the keeper’s blue eyes.

 

“You’re making this a lot harder, you know.” Hope quietly laughed, hoping to receive some positive reaction from her usually bubble teammate. When she didn’t receive the response she was looking for, she sighed, “Kell, please look at me.” 

 

Kelley finally looked up, her face clearly stained with tears. She murmured, “Two months is a long time, Hope.”

 

“We’ll call every day and hey, I’m coming to visit at the end of November, remember?”

 

“Just for the weekend though…you really can’t stay for more than two days?” Kelley begged.

 

“Please don’t start with that again…I already told you, I’m booked for so many events. I can’t get away for more than a week. And no, this doesn’t mean that you’re not important…it’s just bad timing. We both knew going into this that we’d have to deal with this whole long distance thing.”

 

Kelley hugged Hope one more time, closing her eyes and burying herself into her other half so that her scent flooded her own.

 

“I already miss you.”

 

“Me too, Kell.”

 

With that, Hope bent down so that her lips would meet Kelley, who quickly deepened the kiss, savoring their last moment together.

 

_“Final boarding call for Flight 331 to Seattle, Washington”_

Hope pulled away, “Okay, I really need to go now. See you soon, alright?”

 

Kelley nodded, feeling her eyes brimming with tears all over again, blurring her view as she watched Hope fade beyond the gate.

 

-

 

Hope’s phone lit up with an airline notification. She scanned over it and sighed. Her flight to Georgia had been cancelled due to the snow storm outside. It was actually the tail end of the storm, but flights were still backed up. The next available flight wouldn’t be until the following evening. Hope quickly realized it didn’t make sense for her to even travel all the way there when she’d only stay for one night.

 

Maybe this was a sign.

 

Maybe she wasn’t supposed to go to Georgia. Over the past month, she had been doing a lot of thinking about her and Kelley’s relationship. There was no doubt she was attracted to the young Stanford graduate. They had grown close over the past year, but lately, their relationship was stagnant. It wasn’t really going anywhere and they didn’t discuss it. On the other hand, they didn’t need to discuss it. All they knew was that their relationship felt right. It felt good.

 

And yet Hope felt herself hiding comfortably behind her walls.

 

No one ever made her feel this way. So desired. So wanted. So loved. Why was she feeling this way then? Why was she shutting down when Kelley had worked so hard to open her up?  

 

Maybe none of this was real. It felt _too_ good. _Too perfect._ And that scared Hope. Commitment was one of her biggest fears. She wanted to run.

 

She was born to be a runner.

 

Hope picked up her phone once again and quickly typed out a text.

 

_Hope: Flight cancelled bc of storm…looks like I won’t make it to GA after all…_

_Kelley: Call me?_

Hope didn’t respond, but just like she predicted, Kelley called no more than five minutes later. When she didn’t pick up the call, Kelley tried once more. Hope ignored that, too. She knew Kelley wouldn’t try again- she always respected Hope’s space and she loved that about the younger defender.

 

But because of that, as she got in bed later that night, Hope couldn’t help but feel guilty. Kelley did nothing wrong. She deserved a conversation. After contemplating this for a few hours, Hope finally realized she wouldn’t get much sleep unless she talked to her southern girl on the other side of the country. After flicking the lights on, Hope dialed her number and heard the phone pick up on the other end.

 

“Hope?”

 

Hope held her breath at the sound of her voice, but managed to let out a soft, “Hey.”

 

“Why didn’t you answer earlier?” Kelley cautiously asked, trying not to sound too overbearing.

 

“I’m sorry, Kell…” Hope’s voice trailed off.

 

She wasn’t really sure where she was going with that. She didn’t know how to explain any of this to Kelley, let alone where to start. She was never one to express her feelings out loud.

 

After a moment of silence, Kelley’s voice cracked, “Y…you couldn’t call me and tell me?”

 

Hope felt her heart sink at the sound of Kelley’s broken voice. She was clearly hurt and because Hope was terrible at this, she answered her question with a question of her own.

 

“Are you mad?”

 

Hope heard a heavy sigh. “I mean, it’s not your fault…”

 

 _But it kinda is,_ Hope thought.

 

Kelley continued softly, “I’m just…disappointed. Are you sure you can’t visit another time over the next month?”

 

Hope knew that if she shifted her schedule around, she might find another weekend to fly over to Georgia. But letting her feelings get the best of her, she just simply apologized again,

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

Kelley’s voice now trembled, doing her best to fight back tears, “I was looking forward to seeing you…I’ve missed you, Hope.”

 

Hope bit her lip, partly because she wasn’t sure how to respond and partly because she needed time to calm herself down. She hated hearing Kelley so upset.

 

“Hey, it won’t be long now…just another month.”

 

“I wish you were here…”

 

Hope could picture Kelley curled up under blankets on her back porch, tears starting to roll down her face. She knew how sensitive the younger girl could get, and Hope hated that she was the reason for her emotions running all over the place.

 

They stayed on the phone with one another until Kelley fell asleep. Hope could tell because her breathing had become shallower and the sniffling resided. She silently hung up, and the picture in her head of such a broken hearted Kelley drove her nuts.

 

So she thought, _screw this._

 

For the first time in her life, Hope refused to listen to the little voice in her head that usually convinced her otherwise.

 

-

 

The following morning, Kelley woke up, wincing at the daylight peeking in through the blinds. She wondered why she was feeling so awful when it suddenly hit her. Cancelled flight, missed phone calls, the dull late night conversation- all sharing the reason for why she felt so sad, so disappointed.

 

Throwing on an oversized hoodie, Kelley grudgingly made her way to the other end of the house where her mother greeted her in the kitchen.

 

“Morning.”

 

Kelley ignored the greeting and just headed straight to the cupboard to grab a mug for coffee.

 

Wiping down the kitchen counter from the remnants of breakfast, her mom raised an eyebrow, “You know, I’m surprised you slept in as much as you did today, especially when you haven’t stopped talking this entire week about Hope coming to visit for the weekend.”

 

“Well she can’t make it.” Kelley bitterly replied, a little too forcefully.

 

“What?”

 

“Yeah, there’s a bad storm in Seattle, so her flight was cancelled and I don’t think she can make room in her schedule for another visit.”

 

“Wait, Kelley, what are you talking about? She arrived early this morning.”

 

“I mean, I’ll be okay. I knew this whole long distance thing would be hard, but I really thought we could make it work. But she called late last night, and I don’t know, it doesn’t sound like our relationship is heading in a positive direction. It’s just so hard because I’m so willing to…”

 

Kelley stopped stirring her cup of coffee and turned to face her mother. She asked, “Wait, what did you just say?”

 

“You silly, Hope has been here this whole morning…she’s out back on the porch chatting with your father.”  

 

As if on cue, another woman’s laughter was faintly heard in the background. Recognizing that laugh in a heartbeat, Kelley immediately made her way to the back door, not believing what she was seeing.

 

Hope was right there. She was _physically_ right there.

 

Grinning like a true dork, Hope chuckled, “The sleepyhead is finally awake! Thank goodness- I’m not getting any younger out here, you know. No offense, Mr. O’Hara.”

 

Kelley’s eyes widened as she struggled to find words, “I…I thought…are you for real?”

 

Hope looked down at herself and shrugged, “I sure hope so.”

 

Kelley felt the corners of her mouth turn upward as she basically flung herself on top of the seated woman. She wrapped her arms around, burying her head into the crook of her neck. There hadn’t been many people in her life who were able to leave her speechless. Their hearts were beating out of their chest, more so Hope’s as she realized that she perhaps just conquered her fears. 

 

She held on to Kelley as tight as she could.

 

Never wanting to let go.

 

_//_

 

 _When I close my eyes I see you_  
_No matter where I am_  
_I can smell your perfume through these whispering pines_  
_I'm with your ghost again_  
_It's a shame about the weather_  
_I know soon we'll be together_  
_And I can't wait 'til then_  
_I can't wait 'til then_

 


	2. All I Ask

_**All I Ask | Adele**_

* * *

 

 

_I don’t need your honesty_

_It’s already in your eyes and I’m sure my eyes, they speak for me_

_No one knows me like you do_

_And since you’re the only one that matters_

_Tell me who do I run to_

_//_

Hope aggressively slammed her locker door.

 

Kelley flinched.

 

Hope thought, _How did I let it get this far? How did we end up here?_ She leaned her forehead against the cold metal in attempts to subdue her rage, but mostly so that she didn’t have to face her younger teammate standing just a couple feet behind her. She hoped that if she stood like this, then maybe the brunette would walk away.

 

Who was she kidding? Kelley was never one to just walk away.

 

“Hope, I want to talk about this.”

 

The steadiness in Kelley’s voice caught Hope off guard. Usually, whenever she lost her cool, people would shy away and leave her alone. Kelley was different. She didn’t understand personal space. Hope oddly loved that about Kelley, knowing that she wasn’t a very touchy feely person herself. But at this very moment, Hope hated her for it. She didn’t like the fact that the two of them were alone in their team locker room. Still feeling the presence of the young defender as she stood her ground, Hope lost all control.

 

“For _fuck’s_ sake, O’Hara, what is there to talk about it?”

 

Kelley winced as Hope spat out her last name. Knowing Hope, she would take any opportunity to be less personal when it came to serious conversations like these. Kelley corrected anyways, 

 

“Kelley. My name is _Kelley_.”

 

“Why the fuck do you need to make this more difficult?”

 

Hope glared, but inside she was really asking, _Why do you have to be the one person who can make me love them and hate them all at the same time?_

 

“I just want to talk.”

 

“We’ve already talked about this! We both agreed from the very beginning that this was all physical. No strings attached. So just like we said before, we’re going to go home and return to our normal lives before all _this_ happened.”

 

“That’s not what you want.”

 

“Oh, so you’re telling me how to feel now?”

 

“No, it’s obvious. I can see it in your eyes.” Kelley simply replied, staring straight back at Hope as if she was reading her like an open book.

 

A comeback failed to exit Hope’s lips. Kelley was the only one who could see through her walls, so she was right. But Hope wasn’t one to admit this. Not when her insecurities controlled both her mind and heart.

 

Kelley pleaded, “We don’t have to end this here. The least we could do is give it a shot.” She took a big gulp before continuing, “I know we agreed on not taking this home with us, but that’s not what I want anymore. Hope, there’s something special between us and I don’t want to let that go. And neither do you.”

 

“Stop putting words in my mouth.”

 

“We could be really great together. Not just here in London, not just in Seattle, not just in Jersey…but everywhere. I…I think we’re timeless, Hope.”

 

Kelley’s eyes watered as she made such a proclamation, almost convincing Hope to do the same.

 

 _Timeless_.

 

 _What a word,_ Hope thought. What a way to describe them. It was poetic, beautiful, and perfect.

 

But Hope wasn’t perfect. She was flawed, always has and always will be. As she looked at the woman who had somehow stolen her heart in the midst of all this, Hope knew that if she stepped any closer, her own imperfection might taint the young woman’s innocence and pure goodness. Kelley didn’t deserve that. Kelley deserved a happy ending.

 

“Kelley, we’re over. I’m sorry, but we can’t do this anymore.”

 

“D…don’t I matter to you?” Kelley was clearly breaking, just trying everything she could to salvage what they had together- to get Hope to open up just one more time.

 

Hope took a moment to think about her answer. Her answer could make or break them, and of course with her mindset already set in stone for the latter, she replied harshly,

 

“No, you don’t. Not anymore.”

 

That was the biggest lie Hope had ever told.

 

They both knew it.

 

Hope also knew they were now truly over. There was no coming back from this. But what Hope didn’t expect was for Kelley to lose her cool, to lose her control.

 

“Bullshit.” The curse seethed through Kelley’s teeth.

 

“Excuse me?”

 

“Who the fuck do you think you are?! What makes you so special that you get to call all the shots? Why won’t you just listen to someone other than that awful voice in your head? Why are you giving up on us so quickly?!” A string of questions flowed out of Kelley.

 

“Look, I’m being the mature one here and ending it before we find ourselves in the deep end.”

 

Kelley abruptly interrupted, “We’re already there, don’t you get it?! We’ve gone way past the border between ‘just physical’ to ‘in love.’ Yeah, I said it- you can keep denying it, but I never will. I love you, Hope.”

 

“D…don’t...” Hope managed to get out, feeling herself crumbling under the stare of the woman in front of her.

 

“Why are you so hard to love?” Kelley began to laugh to herself, “Out of all the people in this world, it’s you, and I never got a say in any of this. My heart chose you.”

 

“Grow up, Kelley.”

 

“Keep it. Keep my heart…I don’t want it anymore. It’s broken now. I’m broken.”

 

Before Hope could even begin to think of a response, footsteps accompanied by laughter was heard just around the corner. Within seconds, Ashlyn and Ali appeared. Sensing the tension in the room, Ali calmly asked,

 

“Uh, everything alright here?”

 

Hope and Kelley just stared at their two teammates- at what they could have, at what they could be. Kelley’s eyes softened as she shook her wishful thinking away. She turned back to Hope and pointed at their concerned friends.

 

“You see that, Hope? Take a good look at them…that’s what you’re throwing away.”

 

Hope rolled her eyes, even though Kelley’s words burned through her.

 

“Oh for crying out loud, stop being so god damn dramatic. You’re so full of it.”

 

Pure resentment rushed over Kelley as she found herself aggressively approaching Hope. She didn’t know what she was about to do, but she was so incredible angry that control wasn’t even in her vocabulary anymore. But before she could do anything stupid, she felt a pair of arms restrain her.

 

Ashlyn stood between them and put her hands up, “Whoa, whoa you guys, calm down. What’s going on?”

 

The two glared at each other for what seemed like forever. Neither one of them wanted to break contact, but they weren’t exactly sure why. They were both competitive people, so it made sense they would turn this into a competition to see who can out intimidate the other first. But there was a certain honesty behind both of their eyes that grounded them both. This moment would forever be etched into their memories.

 

Hope was without words- she had been for quite a while now. Kelley took advantageous of this.

 

“I…hate you. Don’t you _ever_ talk to me again.”

 

With that, Kelley headed for the door, leaving Hope completely speechless. Hope felt the gaze of her two remaining teammates in the room, desperately searching for answers. But that was the least of her worries at this point as she watched a certain freckled-face brunette leave the room, her life.

 

Kelley fiercely slammed the door behind her.

 

Hope flinched.

 

//

 

_Let this be our lesson in love_

_Let this be the way we remember us_

_I don’t wanna be cruel or vicious_

_And I ain’t asking for forgiveness_

_//_

Late that night, Hope returned to an empty hotel room. She and Kelley were roommates, but looking around at the tidied up room, Hope knew Kelley was probably spending the night with another teammate. It pained her that the room was so dull without Kelley.

 

Hope never wanted them to end like this.

 

She had hoped that the both of them could continue to be friends. But from the moment they decided to give themselves up to one another that first night, they knew they could never just be friends.

 

 _Don’t you ever talk to me again_.

 

Hope could never forget Kelley’s voice- the way she tried so hard to say that with force, but cracked just enough so that Hope could hear how wounded she was. She began to question herself, _How exactly do I live without Kelley? Without hearing her voice?_

 

As she crawled into bed, Hope began to mentally prepare herself for the flight home the next day. But when a couple knocks were heard at the door, she was forced to push them aside for a moment.  

 

Hope knew who stood on the other side. Normally she would find the strength to ignore the person she didn’t want to see, but something about Kelley made her defy all her senses and actions. And thus she opened the door.

 

The sight before her was so heart wrenching that Hope felt her own eyes brim with tears. By the way the two of them looked at each other, one might’ve thought that they hadn’t just yelled at each other earlier that day- that they weren’t truly over.

 

“I can’t sleep.”

 

Hope knew she had to tread waters cautiously, but since Kelley had spoken first, she softly admitted,

 

“Neither can I.”

 

“I’ve spent all day wishing you dead and yet, at the end of the day, you’re the only one I want to run to. God bless Alex and Tobin, but no matter what they do or say, I know I can only find comfort in you.” Kelley quietly explained.

 

Hope shook her head, not wanting to give Kelley any ideas, “Please, Kell, we can’t--”

 

“W…will you just hold me?” Kelley’s voice wavered.

 

Hope caved.

 

Hand in hand, they slowly found their way to the bed. Hope crawled into bed for the second time that night, but this time, she had someone to hold. As she felt Kelley shake from her tears beneath her, Hope just rested her head against the brunette and curled even further around her. Moments passed until Hope found herself surprised at Kelley’s voice once again.

 

“I know this doesn’t change things.” Kelley murmured.

 

Hope sighed and tried to quiet her, “Shhh…it’s okay, we don’t need to explain things right now.”

 

“There’s no tomorrow for us.”

 

Hope felt her heart tighten at that statement. Though they had the power to change that, the both of them knew neither of them would.

 

Kelley interrupted her thoughts, “There was never a tomorrow for us.” She felt Hope nod her head gently, signifying her agreement.

 

“But there was always this moment…the night before tomorrow. And I know it’s not meant to last forever, but I need us to make the most of it.”

 

“Kell…”

 

“We’re not home yet, Hope. We’re still in London. We can still be _us_ here.”

 

Hope apologized, and she hoped that Kelley knew how sincere she was. “I’m sorry, Kell. I wish things were different.”

 

“But they aren’t…and I’ve accepted that.” Kelley paused, trying to let that fully sink in. She corrected, “I’ll learn to accept this…but for now, I just want to be _here_. Fully present in this moment. I don’t want our last memory together to be us at each other’s throats, yelling and screaming. I don’t want a memory of tears or heartbreak. I want this.”

 

Hope kissed the side of Kelley’s head, squeezing her gently. “I can do this.” She thought, _I will do this._

 

“I need things to end this way…I need to know that I can find this sometime down the road. That I can be happy again.”

 

“You’ll find this again, Kell…I know you will.” Hope wasn’t too confident in what she had just said, but she hoped it was enough for Kelley.

 

Kelley repeated in a whisper, “I don’t want to forget this, so all I ask is for…so please, just…” Tears were now streaming down her face, “So please just hold me.”

 

Hope didn’t think it was possible for them to become any closer, but at that very moment, she felt their two bodies morph into one. She knew this is what Kelley had envisioned them as this whole time.

 

They were, indeed, timeless.   

 

As she felt Kelley doze off in her arms, Hope prayed that time would stop just for them so that the next morning when she woke up, they’d still be in each other’s arms. But again, she never believed in happy endings.

 

So when she woke up the next morning to the light peeking in through the window, she was surprised to still be in bed. Normally, she’d be the one to wake up and leave before daylight. Moving herself to the edge of the bed, she looked back, hoping to get one last glimpse of Kelley. But all that was left was a bundle of messy sheets- or more importantly, an empty space. It dawned on her that she didn’t have to leave this time around.

 

Kelley had already beat her to it.

 

//

_If this is my last night with you_

_Hold me like I’m more than just a friend_

_Give me a memory I can use_

_Take me by the hand while we do what lovers do_

_It matters how this ends_

_‘Cause what if I never love again?_


	3. You Are In Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song suggested by an anon on tumblr.

**_You Are In Love | Taylor Swift_ **

* * *

 

 _You can hear it in the silence, silence, you_  
_You can feel it on the way home, way home, you_  
_You can see it with the lights out, lights out,_  
_You are in love, true love_  
_You are in love_

 

_//_

 

You don’t realize it at first.

 

You’ve asked yourself this before, but now the question is lingering in your thoughts in the same way the northwest pine lingers throughout your home. No matter what you do, you can’t get rid of it. It comes to the point that it becomes a constant in your life.

 

You’re well into your relationship with her, going on a full year now. A full year of communication, happiness, trust, and commitment. And now that you’ve convinced yourself that she has the potential to be _your_ forever, you don’t let a day go by without asking yourself this same old question.

 

_Are you in love with Kelley O’Hara?_

You can’t take it anymore and you challenge yourself to find the answer. You are determined. Maybe the answer lies in the big moments, so that’s where you begin.

 

You think back to your first real conversation.

 

How she found you sitting alone on the rooftop of the team hotel during the Olympics. You remember the concern in her voice as she explained how she’d been searching the entire hotel for you after you never returned after dinner. _I just want to make sure you’re alright,_ she murmured before taking your hand in her own. You told her you just needed to clear your thoughts before the big game the next day. Looking out over the London skyline, the both of you talked well into the night about everything from pre-match anxieties to how your go to Starbucks drink is a hazelnut Americano to how you thought you’d never recover after your father’s sudden passing on the eve of one of the biggest tournaments in your life. You were intrigued at how she had the ability to read you like an open book and for the first time of your life, you let your guard down.

 

You also think back to your first night together.

 

Not just as roommates, but as two human beings caught in the crossfire of desire and lust. You remember how her lips crashed into your own and though you were caught so off guard, you picked her off of the ground so that she may be given the chance to wrap her legs around your waist. You stumbled into your hotel room before anyone of your teammates caught you in the act. Out of your swiftness, you tripped over your own feet causing the both of you to land in one big mess onto the bed. You remembered how you just wanted to keep going because you were so embarrassed, but she had to take a moment to let out a snort followed by a laugh. You closed the gap between the two of you again, mostly to shut her up but also because you love the taste of her vanilla chapstick and the way she smiles under your kiss. She tugged at your waistband and you felt your heart skip a beat as her eyes came up to meet your own. You remember staring into that stunning hazel green and thinking, _to hell with it._

Then you remember that very next morning.

 

How you were surprised to find yourself still in bed. Normally, you’d be the first one to leave- to escape any possibility of one night turning into a lifelong promise. You rolled over, ready to gently whisper something sweet into your lover’s ears- something along the lines of how you wouldn’t mind waking up like this for the rest of your life, but you’re even more surprised to find the other half of the bed empty. You began to panic and you started to question yourself, _what did you do now, Hope?_ Your thoughts were startled by the sound of the door handle turning and before you knew it, Kelley was standing before you- hair up in a messy bun, a grin on her face, and a hazelnut Americano in hand.

 

You think back to your more recent times together and how just the other day the two of you had just mindlessly started to plan your future together.

 

You remember asking out of the blue, _How many kids do you want?_ She looked at you in disbelief, probably wondering where in the world that question came from but she answered anyways, _I want four._ You choked on your water and started to chuckle, but your laugh faded as you realized she wasn’t laughing with you. It took you only a second more to realize that she wasn’t joking. Your eyes widened as you complained about how that’s a terrible idea because then the two of you would be out numbered, but she went on and on about how she loved big families. Your mind suddenly wandered to all the times spent with the multitude of O’Haras and you quickly feel yourself caving. You knew you lost this argument.  

 

But perhaps the answer lies in the small moments.

 

In the way her freckles become more prominent in the summer, and how that is quickly becoming your favorite season.

 

Or the endless amount of times she grabs your arm when you’re out running, scaring you half to death. You ask what’s wrong and she just shushes you, not wanting you to disturb the small squirrel she has spotted yards away.

 

Or how she purposely packs less so that when she’s visiting, she could borrow some of your clothes. You find it annoying at first, but somehow the sight of her cooking breakfast in your favorite oversized purple and gold UW sweatshirt makes it so endearing.

 

Or the moments when she doesn’t exceedingly declare her love for you, but simply says, _You’re my best friend, Hope._

 

Still, you’re not entirely sure if you’ve found the right answer yet. You think, maybe it’s not in the good moments- maybe it’s in the bad ones.

 

You think about the fights you’ve had.

 

Not the small fights that make you seem like an old married couple, but the huge fights that leave you two not on speaking terms for a good week or two. You think of all the times you’ve scared yourself into thinking that this relationship is more than you deserve and how that is often times the main source of your arguments.

 

You will always remember your biggest fight- the one where you screamed such horrible things in her face and how she screamed at you in return. But what came out of her mouth was far from what you had expected. Tears were streaming down her face and she was turning red from shouting so much, but you remember distinctly what she had said, _I will always choose you, Hope- even if you come with a lot of goddamn baggage, I will always choose you._ From that moment on, you knew she was _so_ worth it.

 

“Hope?”

 

Her soft voice grounds you in reality.

 

“You okay? You’ve been a little quiet.”

 

You just nod, smile, and squeeze her hand in reassurance. She smiles in return and sweetly leans her head against your shoulder.

 

And it finally hits you.

 

Actually, you realize you’ve known it this whole time.

 

The answer is in these everyday moments- not the big ones, the little ones, the good ones, nor the not so good ones.

 

But the quiet ones.

 

The silent ones.

 

The ones where you don’t have to say anything, but the ones where you just _know_.

 

You ask yourself one last time, _Are you in love with Kelley O’Hara?_

Yes.

 

A thousand times yes.

 

_You are in love._

 

_**//** _

 

 _You can hear it in the silence, silence, you_  
_You can feel it on the way home, way home, you_  
_You can see it with the lights out, lights out,_  
_You are in love, true love_  
_You are in love_

 


	4. So Cold

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song suggested by an anon on tumblr.

_**So Cold | Ben Cocks**_

* * *

 

 

_Oh, when you told me you'd leave_

_I felt like I couldn't breathe_

_My aching body fell to the floor_

_Then I called you at home_

_You said that you weren't alone_

_I should've known better_

_Now it hurts much more._

_//_

I curse as the light turns yellow and I slam on my brakes.

 

My knees begin to shake and I repeatedly look at my watch. I think to myself, _come on, come on._ After what seems like forever, the light turns green again and I floor it. I drive as fast as possible without being too reckless in order to make it to the complex in time. I finally park and jump out of the car, looking at my watch once more.

 

I’m _very_ late.

 

So late that when I finally make it to the field, there’s only a short line of twenty kids or so remaining to greet Kelley. I can tell she notices me from afar because when I finally get close enough, she looks away. I desperately try to make contact with her, but she keeps her head down and focus on the kids. I know she’s upset with me- I can see it in her eyes. Though she smiles for every picture each child requests with her, her eyes grimace with disappointment.

 

I let her down.

 

Today is her first ever soccer camp and I was supposed to help her out as part of the staff. I was scheduled as a surprise guest, but I never showed. I had gotten too carried away with some fitness training of my own earlier today- or that’s what I tell myself. Deep down, I know that my foolishness had prevented me once again from being there for Kelley.

 

She finally finishes signing autographs and taking pictures, but just as I approach her, a group of kids recognize me and ask for pictures. I oblige of course, wanting to semi makeup for my absence, but I still can’t get my mind off of Kelley. I quickly take pictures and then return to catch up with Kelley, who’s starting to clean up.

 

She knows I’m right in front of her, but she still won’t look at me.

 

“Kelley, I’m sorry.”

 

She doesn’t respond.

 

“I lost track of time…” I find my voice fading because I can’t come up with a better excuse than that.

 

She gathers soccer balls into a netted bag and blandly instructs, “Just help clean up.”

 

“Kell, I’m really sorry.” I apologize and then continue, “I really wanted to be here and…”

 

Someone else interrupts me.

 

“Kelley, we finished taking down the tents…where do you want them?”

 

The voice sounds familiar and I look behind me, not expecting to see this particular person behind me. _Ann?_ What was she doing here? She wasn’t supposed to be part of the camp staff. I feel my guard go up and my jaw clench.

 

Kelley responds, “They should all fit in one van…come get me if they don’t.”

 

Ann nods and walks off, and right before Kelley returns to ignoring me she glances at me. I lock her in with my eyes. She easily reads me, knowing I’m not too keen on her “college best friend,” and warns me.

 

“Not now, Hope.”

 

Questions are flowing through my mind, but I respect her request. I help pack up the remainder of the camp equipment in silence. Once the complex is left cleaner than found, everyone says goodbye and Kelley, rather reluctantly, gets in my car for the drive back to my place.

 

My place… _our_ place? I’m not entirely sure what it is- it’s just a small house that I rent in Peachtree City, no more than twenty minutes away from Kelley’s family home. I visit quite a bit, so I thought, why not get an actual place? Kelley stays with me whenever I’m around.

 

The car ride is completely silent. I don’t try to push Kelley, who longingly looks out the window and refuses to give me the time of day. I can’t blame her. I screwed up.

 

We finally get home and as I place my keys on the kitchen counter, I finally break the silence and apologize again.

 

“Kelley, I’m really sorry.”

 

“Why did you even bother to show up?” Disappointment is evident in her voice.

 

“I…I thought I could make it for the last part of the day, but there was traffic and…” I sigh and admit, “That’s no reason for an excuse, I know.”

 

“You knew how much this meant to me…how excited I was for my very own camp.” Kelley mutters, clearly upset with me.

 

“I know, I know…I’m sorry.” I’m beginning to think that my apologies sound like a broken record.

 

Kelley lets out a heavy sigh, reading my thoughts once again, “Just go ahead and ask it…”

 

I have no problem obliging. “So why was Ann there?”

 

“We’ve been over this. She’s my good friend.”

 

“Why do I find that hard to believe?” I can feel the jealousy rising in my chest. I know I shouldn’t be angry about this given the circumstances of the current moment, but I just am.

 

“Oh come on, Hope, really? You want to talk about that now?” Kelley shakes her head as she takes off her jacket.

 

“Well yeah, I mean…you always invite her to things, and I thought maybe this time was different. She wasn’t supposed to be part of the staff.” I follow her into my (our) bedroom.

 

Kelley finally blows up at me. It was bound to happen. She bitterly accuses me, “Well has it ever occurred to you that maybe I called her because I actually needed support with this? Support that I thought would come in the form of your promise to be by my side today?!”

 

“I said I was sorry.” I honestly don’t know what else to say. Kelley’s right, I’m wrong, but I’m also so hardheaded that I’d do anything to make sure I felt like it’s not my fault.

 

“Look, the point is, Ann was there when you decided not to be. End of story.”

 

“Hey, that’s not fair when you put it like that.”

 

Kelley exclaims, “You didn’t show up when I needed you the most!”

 

“Now you’re just being dramatic.” I roll my eyes, but instantly regret it.

 

I see Kelley’s vibrant eyes dull over as I wrongly accuse her. _Just shut up, Hope_ , I think. Before I can make things right, she ends our conversation.

 

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”

 

I actually listen to her this time and we fall back into silence. We get ready for bed, but while doing so, I decide it might be best for me to sleep out in the living room for the night. We clearly need our own space to think.

 

I have a hard time sleeping (no surprise there) and I know it’s not from the discomfort of the couch. I don’t think I get more than a couple hours of real sleep before I find myself awake again. I still feel guilty about not showing up to Kelley’s camp and decide to make it up to her. I walk to our bedroom, ready to make things right, but the sight before me makes my heart drop.

 

“Wh…what are you doing?” I finally my words.

 

“I’m packing.”

 

“A…are you going somewhere?”

 

Kelley stops what she’s doing and looks at me incredulously, “What do you think?”

 

My stomach begins to churn and the only thing that comes out of my mouth is, “Kelley, I’m really sorry…just don’t…”

 

“No need to apologize anymore…it’s fine. I know where we stand now.” Kelley returns to putting clothes into a suitcase.

 

“Wh…what is that supposed to mean? Are we taking a break?” I don’t like where this is going.

 

“I don’t think I can do this anymore.”

 

“Kell…”

 

She ignores me and continues, “I just don’t know if I can be with someone who doesn’t show up for me. Yeah, we’re together and most of the time we’re okay, but I need you to show up for the big moments, not just the little ones…I’ve needed that from you for a long time now and you continuously fail me.”

 

Her voice is laced with both frustration and hesitancy. I know she’s having a hard time saying this to me, but I forced her to. She’s making me speechless.

 

Kelley takes a deep breath and honestly says, “I want someone who’s going to come running the moment I call them. Or someone who doesn’t back out on their promises.”

 

“I…I promise it won’t happen again.”

 

“See? How do I know you mean it?” Kelley’s eyes pierce through me.

 

“You have to trust me on this one.” I know she won’t like that answer.

 

“I have no more trust left in you!” Kelley softly proclaims- she really should just scream at me.

 

Then she says it.

 

“I’m leaving, Hope.”

 

“N…no. Kelley, don’t go.” I begin to beg.

 

“I don’t _want_ to do this anymore.”

 

I watch helpless as she picks up her suitcase and begins to head for the door. My body aches, my heart races, and my mind can barely keep up and unexpectedly, I grab her arm.

 

“Kelley, I love you.”

 

This makes her stop dead in her tracks. She looks up at me, tears evident in her eyes. She’s trying to say strong, and I’m really trying to convince her to stay. We’re both failing. She removes her arm from my grasp and her voice penetrates my entire being.

 

“If you loved me, I wouldn’t be halfway out this door.” She looks at me one last time before truly giving up on us. “Bye, Hope.”

 

She’s gone.

 

And I can’t breathe.

 

-

 

A month goes by and I figure that’s enough time apart from each other- well at least that’s all I can handle. Maybe hard feelings have subsided and just maybe I’m not too late. I debate back and forth whether or not to give her a call, but for some reason, while out on a run and adrenaline rushing through my veins, I decide it’s time.

 

I wait a moment until I finally catch my breath again and fish my phone out of my pocket. _Ring, ring, ring._

“Hello?”

 

I forget how to function. I’m not prepared for this. Maybe this isn’t a good idea.

 

“Uh, hello?” She repeats.

 

“Hey, it’s me.”

 

My heart thumps as I anxiously wait for her response.

 

“Oh. Hey…”

 

A part of me wishes her greeting was a little more enthusiastic- like before when I’d call her and she’d answer, _What’s up, babe?!_ But I take what I can get. I still hear her on the other side of the phone, so that has to be a good sign, right? I take advantage of her silence and begin to apologize.

 

“Kelley, listen. I really miss you. I know I royally screwed up, but I promise it won’t happen again. And I mean that promise. You’re so incredibly special to me, Kell, and not being around you this past month or so has honestly been torture for me. I need you. So I’ve been thinking, maybe you and I could…”

 

“Hope…”

 

I’m not done yet. I haven’t said all that I needed to. Afraid of what she has to say next, I jump to my conclusion.

 

“I can’t live without you, Kelley.”

 

“Hope, stop.” Kelley firmly puts an end to my rambling. I anxiously await in silence.

 

And that’s when I hear it.

 

A faint laugh.

 

Not Kelley’s. Not mine. But someone else’s. A _familiar_ someone else’s.

 

It suddenly dawns on me, “Y…you’re not alone are you?”

 

Kelley doesn’t have to say anything. I already know she’s silently shaking her head.

 

I regret immediately, “I shouldn’t have called.”

 

“It’s okay.” Kelley’s voice rushes onto the phone again. She offers, “I have a few minutes.”

 

“No, I’m sorry for bothering you.”

 

“Wait, Hope…”

 

I hang up.

 

It’s too late.

 

I sprint back onto the trail, cursing myself the whole way home. _What possessed me to think she’d want me back? That she hasn’t moved on? It’s Kelley. Anyone would be lucky to have her._

 

I was once that person. That person lucky enough to be graced by her presence, by her love. That very same person who threw it all away because of her stupidity.

 

I finally reach home and as soon as I set one foot in, everything hits me at once.

 

As I take off my shoes and lay them near the front door, I notice the absence of her own- or rather the pile of cleats, sandals, fuzzy slippers, and more that I used to scold her for not cleaning up.  

 

I look to the couch- the all _too clean_ couch. The blankets are folded neatly on top and the pillows are placed perfectly on each side. Normally, thanks to Kelley, blankets would be tossed all over the place and mismatched fuzzy socks laying all over the place. Though I was a bit of a neat freak, I liked the couch messy. It felt like someone actually lived here. That Kelley lived here.

 

I pass the kitchen, lacking the warmth of someone baking in it. And by someone, I really mean Kelley. Not that she was ever good at it, in fact most of the time I’d come home to quite the disaster. But looking into the lifeless kitchen now, I’d take burnt chocolate chip cookies any day.

 

I end up in my bedroom. Ours? No, not anymore. Just mine. There’s absolutely no trace of her anymore and I suddenly feel so small, so alone in my home. The walls crumble around me and the tears are free falling.

 

I lost her.

 

Never again will this house be filled with messy piles.

 

Never again will this house smell like burnt chocolate chip cookies.

 

Never again will this house inhale nor exhale Kelley O’Hara.

 

These thoughts nip at me.

 

And I shudder.

 

_//_

 

_It's so quiet here_

_And I feel so cold_

_This house no longer_

_Feels like home._

 


	5. Stay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Due to special request from topyeah18, this one-shot does connect with the previous one. I don't normally do this, but the story line fitted the next song on the list well. Song suggested by tumblr anon.

**_Stay | Rihanna_ **

* * *

 

_It's not much of a life you're living_

_It's not just something you take, it's given_

_Round and around, and around, and around we go_

_Oh now tell me, now tell me, now tell me, now you know_

_//_

“Wait, Hope…” I don’t hear a response.

 

The line goes dead.

 

“…hello?” I make one last attempt.

 

I sigh and put the phone dead. I do my best to hide the disappointment in my expression, but Ann notices.

 

“Everything, alright, Kell?”

 

“Uh, yeah…I’m fine.”

 

Ann doesn’t push me further. Instead she goes back to telling some story that I really could care less about. She’s pretty animated while she talks and somehow she’s inched her way closer to me. She smiles and places one hand on my knee, and that’s when I know it’s been enough for the day. I gently remove her hand, and admit,

 

“You know, actually, I’m not feeling the best right now…is it alright if we continue this another day?”

 

Ann frowns, “Are you feeling sick? I can run to the store and grab some…”

 

I shake my head and interrupt her, “No, I’m fine…I just want the rest of my day to myself. I’m sorry.”

 

My abruptness must be enough since Ann slowly nods her head. She doesn’t quite understand what is going on, but thankfully she leaves anyways. We aren’t together. She’s one of my good friends, and I’ll admit she has a flirty personality- even more so now that I’ve left Hope. In the couple of days that we’ve been separated, I’ve invited Ann over, but we never got past talking. She’s a decent human being and not long ago I was hoping for something between us, just to make leaving Hope a little bit easier. But I don’t feel anything. The feelings I have for her are nothing compared to those for Hope.

 

I decide to lay down for a bit, hoping that my thoughts fade. But as I’m on the way to my room, or rather my childhood room, I run into my mom who’s just come home from running errands- and of course being my mom, she _always_ has something worth saying.

 

“Hey, Mom. Need help?” I offer to take some things off her hands.

 

In true fashion, she skips greeting me, and gets straight to the point.

 

“I think Hope’s leaving Georgia.”

 

I sigh. Just when I’m about to rid my mind of the keeper, she somehow makes her way back to me.

 

I shrug, “Well, she probably has some things to do back in Seattle, and I’m not in the way of that anymore, so…”

 

“No, no, no…Hope’s _leaving_ Georgia. For good.”

 

“Wait, what are you talking about?”

 

“So on my way home, I was driving down fifth street and while I was passing you and Hope’s place, I…”

 

I quickly correct her, “Okay, Mom, first off, its _Hope’s_ place. Plus, she’s the one who’s actually renting it. Second, our- I mean, her- place isn’t on fifth street. It’s on fourth.”

 

My mom rolls my eyes at me, “Details, details, details….that’s what I meant. I’m certain this was your place. Anyways, I saw Carol’s car parked outside and…”

 

I stopped listening to my mom. Carol is a good family friend who also happens to work in real estate. She helped Hope find this place, so if she was at the house again, then that only meant one thing. My mom was right.

 

Hope’s leaving Georgia.

 

My stomach churns as I realize the implications of my decision not too long ago. I left her on my own terms, but it never occurred to me that I’d be feeling this way now.

 

_I can’t live without you, Kelley._

 

Hope’s voice won’t leave me alone. I thought I had made the right decision by walking out on her. The way I see it, the problem with our relationship is that most of the time, I’m all in while she struggles to even meet me halfway. We fell into this constant cycle of Hope barely putting in effort, me getting upset, Hope apologizing, and me crawling back. _Round and around and around and around._

Her not showing up to my camp was the final straw, and I gave up. I left with no intention of going back, but of course, my heart rules my mind. I regret leaving her.

 

So what makes this time different? How do I know we won’t get caught in that vicious cycle again?

 

Well, I don’t know.

 

I’ve honestly never known.

 

When it comes to Hope and me, I’ve never really understood. I’ve never understood how someone so serious, so blunt could ever be with someone so goofy, so spontaneous. They say opposites attract, but when it comes to us, we clash. We shouldn’t have even the slightest feelings for each other.

 

But we do.

 

I don’t know how. I can’t explain it.

 

But this mysterious feeling of being absolutely clueless is what makes us work. It builds us.

 

It is the foundation of our trust for one another.

 

Although I could never explain why I’ve decided to give my heart to Hope Solo, who can be so reckless in taking care of it, I believe in the trust we have for each other.

 

So here I am again- believing in something that makes absolutely no sense.

 

-

 

I pull to the side, Carol’s car nowhere to be seen and a small “For Rent” sign is now present on the front of the house. My heart begins to beat faster, and it only makes me rush up to the front door quicker. I’m about to bring my hand up to knock, but the door flies open.

 

A frazzled Hope is on the other side, just about ready to fit two oversized luggage through the door. She drops both of their handles when she sees me.

 

“Oh, this isn’t happening.”

 

“Hey.” That’s all I manage to say.

 

“What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be at home…or you know, with Ann?” Hope takes a jab at me.

 

I ignore her and pull the sign off of the side wall. I ask, “What’s this?”

 

“I don’t want this place anymore.”

 

“Hope, you can’t just…”

 

She cuts me off, “Whoa, hold on. _You_ left me. I’m not going to stay here when every little thing reminds me of you. I…I can’t do that to myself.”

 

I look in her eyes, and I know she didn’t want to make this decision- sort of in the same way that I didn’t want to leave.

 

“I know. Well, I don’t know...it’s complicated. Hope, you and I are complicated. There’s really no reason why we belong together, but that is exactly what makes us work. I didn’t think this was possible, which is why I gave up before, but now I’m beginning to understand…we’re imperfectly perfect.”

 

Hope’s walls are coming down, and she looks to the floor, “Kelley, I can’t promise you that I’m not going to screw up again and leave you hanging. There’s going to be another time that I don’t show up. Like you said before, you have every right to not want this…I…”

 

“No, but don’t you see? We aren’t like that. Just stay, okay?”

 

“I don’t want to hurt you anymore. I don’t deserve…”

 

I take a step closer, so that we’re barely an inch apart, causing her voice to waver and fade into silence. I whisper in all seriousness, and settle this for the final time.

 

 _“I want you to stay._ ”  

 

_//_

_Not really sure how to feel about it_

_Something in the way you move_

_Makes me feel like I can't live without you_

_It takes me all the way_

_I want you to stay_

 


	6. I'm Yours

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompt by GoalSolo on tumblr and song chosen by yours truly :)

_**I**_ _**’m Yours | Jason Mraz** _

* * *

 

 

_Well, open up your mind and see like me,_

_Open up your plans and damn you're free._

_Look into your heart and you'll find love, love, love, love._

_Listen to the music of the moment, people dance and sing, we're just one big family_

_And it's our God-forsaken right to be loved, loved, loved, loved, loved_

_//_

You still don’t believe it.

 

Sometimes you have to pinch yourself just to make sure none of this is a dream. Sometimes you have to completely stop what you’re doing and remind yourself that all of this is, indeed, real.

 

Every giggle.

 

Every whimper.

 

Every tear.

 

You have to remind yourself.

 

She’s actually yours. This tiny little human. All _yours_.

 

It’s your job to make her laugh.

 

It’s your responsibility to cradle her until she falls asleep.

 

And it’s up to you to attend to every single cry, day and night. 

 

Neither you nor Kelley was ready for this. No matter how many times your family and friends told you this, you didn’t believe them. But now you know, now you understand. There are days where you are pretty sure you’ve gotten the hang of things, but she’s always there to remind you that you most certainly have not. Kelley and you are six months into this, and no matter how you approach this as a team, the two of you still feel like you don’t know what you’re doing.

 

But it’s an adventure. 

 

And with all good adventures come bumps in the road.

 

You know that in the long run, you’ll probably look back on this and laugh it off. But in the moment, you’d do anything to figure out how to get past this.

 

You’d do anything for more than two hours of sleep.

 

You are truly exhausted, and you know this because while you’re in goal, you feel your eyelids begin to droop. You’re not as alert as you usually are. Sure, it’s just practice, but Hope Solo _never_ dozes off.

 

Practice ends and the sideline bench has never looked so inviting. You seriously consider curling up on it and using your duffel bag as a pillow. And just when you convince yourself to do so, a familiar cry is heard in the complex followed by the sympathetic murmurs of your teammates.

 

You look towards the crowd of your teammates, just locking eyes with Kelley, who by the look on her face is silently pleading, _It’s your turn._

 

After throwing your bag over your shoulder, you approach them and as your teammates begin to disperse, you sigh.

 

“Any progress today?”

 

“If by progress, you mean half an hour of whimpering instead of full out tantrums, then sure.” Kelley’s exhaustion adds to the sarcasm in her voice.

 

“Oh, baby, what are we going to do with you?”

 

You take a deep breath and exhale before taking the tear stained six month old into your own arms. She’s happy to see you for a brief moment, before the pain becomes clear in her eyes and she’s crying once again- and the entire way home.

 

You and your little family finally get into your house and your ears are completely shot from all the screaming. Kelley’s too, as she looks at you in defeat.

 

“I even went to the store today to buy one of those teething toys. Online reviews claimed it to be a miracle worker. Lies, I tell you!”

 

“I don’t know what else we can do, Kell.”

 

“I can’t even think of any more ideas, especially with no sleep.”

 

You nod. It’s been about a month now since either of you have had a full night’s rest, so you suggest,

 

“Why don’t you call your Mom again? She has to have another idea for us…and if that doesn’t work, then maybe we can go to Barnes and Noble. I’m sure they have parenting books on this. Oh, we should also talk to Christie! Yea, okay, let me find her new phone number- didn’t she get a new phone? I…”

 

You realize you’re rambling and that Kelley has stopped listening. Her eyes have widened and she softly shushes you.

 

“Hope, stop talking… _look_.”

 

You follow her line of sight down to your arms, and your own eyes widen quickly.

 

 _“My gloves!”_ You practically shout, ripping them out of her little hands as quickly as possible. She must’ve seen them in your bag.

 

First, she flinches, clearly startled by your outburst. Then, the screams start. You wince and hand her over to Kelley again, knowing that if anyone could calm her down, it would be your wife.

 

“Hope, give them back to her!” Kelley scolds you as she begins to bounce your child up and down in attempts to calm her.

 

You look at your wife in disbelief, “What? Are you crazy?! No!”

 

“Why not?!”

 

“Well, first off, they’re _gloves_! That’s gross, Kell! She can’t chew on that!”

 

“Oh come on, didn’t you just buy those the other day?!”

 

“I used them during practice today!” I reason.

 

Kelley looks at you like it’s no big deal, “So? Just let her have them. They can’t be that dirty yet.”

 

You helplessly look back and forth between the pair of gloves in your hand and the screaming child in my desperate wife’s arms. You don’t know what to do. You never knew you’d ever have to choose between your baby and your gloves- your most cherished equipment.

 

“Sorry, what did you say? I can’t hear you.” Kelley looks at you, her voice rising over the cries of your daughter.

 

 “But…they’re my _new_ gloves.” You barely whisper, just enough so Kelley can hear you this time.

 

Kelley’s brow furrows as she shakes her head at you, “Hope. We haven’t slept in a month. This could be the answer to this whole teething issue!”

 

You sound like a child now, but yet you still whine, “You know I special order these gloves! It takes weeks for them to arrive!”

 

“Oh my god, get over it and give the kid the freaking gloves already!”

 

“No.”

 

Your wife gives up and shoves the little girl into your hands for the second time.

 

“Fine, then you deal with her for the rest of the day. I’m going to go run some errands. I can’t handle her crying anymore.”

 

“Oh, that’s not fair, Kell…”

 

Before you can finish my sentence, Kelley is already out of the door. You try and cradle our daughter close to my chest, but that only seems to make matters worse as tears begin to soak through your shirt.

 

-

 

A few hours later, Kelley returns- to a quiet household. You can hear her quietly walking down our hallway. She finally gets to the nursery and after looking at the situation at hand, she smirks.

 

“You caved.”

 

You roll your eyes and look at your baby girl, happily sitting in the corner and chewing on your very own gloves. As much as you want to cringe at the drool seeping out of my favorite gloves, you can’t help but feel a smile tug at your expression. You started off strong, but then you realized how much you hated seeing her so upset. In the end, you just really couldn’t resist her little rosy cheeks, and the faint freckles starting to form on her little nose.

 

Kelley walks over and scoops up the giggly little girl, “How do those taste, little one? You like Mommy’s gloves, don’t you?! I’m so glad you’re feeling better.”

 

She then turns to you and whispers in such a way that you would think the baby girl could understand you, “Well, I’m glad we’re finally going to get some sleep tonight.”

 

You nod, and without thinking, you explain “Oh, by the way, I placed the other pair I received on the shelf in the background. I also ordered half a dozen more from my goalkeeping company, so they should be here in the next few weeks. We should probably get a container or box of some sort to keep them in- oh, I ordered the gloves in various shades of purple because I thought they’d match her room nicely. What do you think?”

 

Kelley shakes her head at me, laughter catching up to her. She grins, “I think you’re going to be in trouble with this little one.”

 

“What?”

 

As if you’re not in the room, Kelley looks straight at your daughter, “You’re going to be able to get your Mommy to do whatever you want, huh?! She can’t resist you!”

 

You finally realize what Kelley meant, and it doesn’t take you long to realize that she’s right. If it ever came down to your gloves and her again, there’s no doubt you’d choose her.

 

Heck, you’d give up your golden glove for her.

 

As you look at the bubbly little girl in front of you, well into chewing on the neon fabric, you fall in love with her the same way you fell in love with her the very first time you met her- when you realized that the other piece of your heart, the one that didn’t belong to Kelley, wasn’t yours to keep anymore.

 

Suddenly, you find yourself wishing that this moment will never end- that you’d stay like this forever.

 

Wrapped around her little finger.

 

Giving her the entire world.

 

Giving her _your_ all.

_//_

_But I won't hesitate_

_No more, no more._

_It cannot wait,_

_I'm yours._

 


	7. Catholic Girls

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song and prompt suggested by snowysolo on tumblr. Enjoy!

**_Catholic Girls | The Dangerous Summer_ **

* * *

 

_Even with the walls around me,_

_I'll always miss the place where_

_I grew up._

_It made us tough._

_//_

You’ve been thinking about this for quite some time now. Ever since you realized that there was something special, that _she_ was worthwhile, the thought hasn’t left your mind. You know that in order to make this truly work, you needed to be vulnerable. You need her to see every part of you. You need to let her in.

 

Her voice is gentle and the genuine concern behind her voice is enough to steady your thoughts.

 

“You’re doing it again, Hope.”

 

“Hm?” You mindlessly reply, already so recklessly lost in those big hazel eyes.

 

She sighs, “You’re thinking too hard…what’s going on up there?”

 

You remain silent and she remains still, laying on top of you with her body pressed so firmly against your own. You can feel her heart beat at a slow, but fixed pace, soothing your entire being.

 

You softly announce, “I’m going home.”

 

Her brows furrow and you remove a stray strand from her face.

 

“To Richland, that is. I’ve decided to go home to Richland.”

 

There’s something about saying this out loud for the first time. You wonder, if you keep saying it, then the more it becomes real, and the less you’re likely to back out. You study Kelley now, and from the look on her face, you know she needs more clarification. It’s not often that you talk about your hometown with her, so she’s at a loss for words.

 

“I want you to come with me.” You’re surprised at how easily that rolls off your tongue.

 

She tilts her head, “Oh, are they honoring you in a ceremony or something?” She knows you wouldn’t go home on your own decision.

 

 “No…no one knows I’m coming home, and I’d like it to stay that way.”

 

“Oh, then why…”

 

You breathe in deeply and interrupt her, “I want to take you home.”

 

Now sitting up, Kelley places her hands in yours and politely objects, “Hope, you don’t have to do that for me…I understand.”

 

You shake your head. “I want to, Kell…I want to show you where I grew up. It’s important to me…I mean, I’m not particularly fond of Richland, but it’s made me who I am.”

 

Kelley nods in understanding, waiting until you’re fully finished your thoughts.

 

You assure her, “This is for me as much as it is for you. I wouldn’t go unless you were by my side.”

 

She bends down to where my head is resting and softly presses her lips against yours. She promises,

 

“I’ll be there.”

 

-

 

You notice how hard you’re gripping the steering wheel by the increasing whiteness in your knuckles. It’s been silent this whole ride, mostly since Kelley dozed off. But it begins to rain and she’s startled awake, looking over at you with a faint smile.

 

“You know, it’s going to be different.” You can’t help, but get this out of your system. Before she can speak, you continue, “It’s not like Fayetteville…there aren’t any popular farmers markets where families can buy fresh peaches for their pies and whatnot…it’s not like that.”

 

Kelley stops you, “It’s okay, Hope…I wasn’t expecting it to be like that.”

 

“I just really want to make sure you know that...it’s a dull place. There’s not much there.”

 

She attempts to calm you down from getting so worked up, “Look, I’m not going to judge you based on the place you were born. I will still love you…I promise.”

 

When you don’t respond, Kelley removes one of your hands from its death grip on the steering wheel and holds it in her own.

 

She’s warm, and you feel the beat of your heart ease into the rhythm of the rain.

 

-

You begin to recognize your surroundings and you know it’s not long before you arrive. As you drive, you notice how not much has changed. You’re suddenly taken back- you’re suddenly a child again. This scares you, so you suddenly pull over in order to deal with your irregular breathing.

 

“Hey, talk to me.” Kelley pleads gently.

 

You close your eyes. You remain silent as you watch your life flash before your eyes. You think to yourself, _What if I never made it out?_

Kelley begs again, “Hope, if this is going to work, you need to talk to me. I’m here, and I’ll always be here, but you have to let me in…please.”

 

You share your fears aloud, “Wh…what if I never made it out?”

 

“But you did.” She says in a matter of fact tone.

 

“But what if I didn’t.”

 

“You can’t live life as a big what if.” She adds, “We’re just visiting, remember?”  

 

You know she’s right and you allow her to calm your thoughts. You begin to feel better, and you slowly pull back onto the road again.

 

_//_

_At night we used to drive_

_until we couldn't._

_All that we wanted_

_was some company,_

_and it was comforting._

_//_

 

You finally make it to the heart of the city and park in the lot of a rundown gas station. The both of you had dressed rather discretely, baseball caps and all, not wanting to attract any attention whatsoever. But as soon as you step out of the car, you realize there’s no need for the disguises. No one’s really around. The town is dead.

 

You guide Kelley into the convenience store and order, “Two hot chocolates, please.”

 

Kelley doesn’t question you, and gladly accepts the warm cup. Hand in hand, you begin to walk through town. She’s quiet, knowing that you’ll point things out only if you want to.

 

You break the silence, “You know, this would’ve been a very big deal for ten year old Hope.” You motion at the cup in your hand.

 

“Yeah?”

 

You explain, “My brother and I used to save up for this. We’d only spend our allowance money on hot chocolate…I mean, of course a few dollars means nothing to me now, but back then…it meant a lot. It meant everything.”

 

You don’t have to say anymore- you’re not sure if you want to say anymore. Kelley smiles in understanding, squeezing your hand in reassurance. You continue forward.   

 

-

 

You finally reach your old high school. They remodeled the front, but nevertheless it looks the same. You lead Kelley to a certain spot behind the school and you smirk to yourself.

 

“I had my first kiss here.”

 

Kelley makes a face of disgust, jokingly of course. You laugh, “Dirty, I know…what made it worse though was right after it happened, I said the big three words.”

 

It’s Kelley’s turn to smirk. “Classic…I would do anything to meet love sick angsty teenager Hope.”

 

You admit, “So embarrassing…plus, I wouldn’t even consider that love.”

 

“Oh come on, everyone goes through that phase.”

 

“Still wouldn’t call it love.”

 

“For you to say that, you must have felt something.” Kelley points out.

 

“Well yeah, but it’s nothing compared to what I feel now.”

 

Neither of you take another step forward. Kelley drops your hand and you panic. You realize what you’ve done. _I think I just told her I loved her,_ you think. You gulp.

 

But Kelley breaks out into the goofiest smile yet.

 

“If showing me where you had your first kiss is your way of telling me you love me, then I love you too, Hope.”

 

You feel the heat rising in your cheeks and you’re suddenly on fire. You realize that some things don’t change.

 

You’ll just never be good at articulating your feelings.

 

_//_

_We'll all carry on into the world._

_//_

The two of you get back into the car and continue your drive to the outskirts of town. You turn onto another familiar road- the one leading to your house. You remember every pothole, every pine tree, and each break along the fence lining the road.

 

But most of all, you remember how endless it was. You remember thinking how you’d never ever see the end of this road.

 

And yet, here you are, returning for the first time- as a truly accomplished individual.

 

With the girl of your dreams and the entire world at your feet.

 

-

 

The car comes to a stop in front of an old, worn down home. You turn to Kelley, who already has an inkling of what you’re about to say.

 

“So this is my childhood house.”

 

You bring Kelley to the front porch and share, “Mom used to stand on this porch and yell at my brother and I to stop goofing around outside and come in to do chores. She’d yell so loud that even our neighbors could hear her- and our neighbors live on the other end of the words over there.” You point far into the distance.

 

Kelley lets out a soft chuckle and follows you as you circle around to the back. You let go of her hand for a moment so you can stand alone, in between two small trees, old and barren.

 

You murmur, “My first goal post. In between these two trees.”

 

Kelley joins you, and the both of you can barely fit. When you were little, the trees had seemed so tall, towering over your small stature. You share,

 

“My dad planted these trees. He couldn’t afford a full size net for me, but this worked…we managed. We’d come out here every night to practice.” You softly touch the bark of one of the trees, trying to soak in those memories- some of the only good ones coming out of this place.

 

“I think it’s adorable.” Kelley comments, resting her head against your shoulder, sending chills down your spine at her touch.

 

You take in another deep breath. “This is where it all began.”

 

Your mind drifts off to every college game you played at the University of Washington, and how before each game, you’d think about your high school team- and how lucky you had even made it that far as a collegiate athlete. You then think about the high profiles events you have attend- like the ESPYS where you were dressed to the nine in a dress designed just for you, with complementary diamonds and all. Your ten year old self couldn’t have even dreamed of that- at one point in your life, you were just excited to take a monthly trip into town for a cup of hot chocolate. Again, you realize that this town isn’t much- and you’re not very proud of it either.

 

Except for where you’re standing.

 

In your father’s makeshift goalpost.

 

Now _this_ is something to be proud of. This will always serve as a reminder to you of how far you’ve come.

 

 _I’m the best damn goalkeeper in the world_ , you think to yourself.

 

Who knew a girl from a small town in Eastern Washington could amount to anything? If anyone had told you in high school that you’d play on the national team, that you’d represent your country, you know for a fact that you wouldn’t have believed them.

 

You remember standing on the podium in Vancouver, covered in gold confetti with your teammates- the women who have stood by your side and first gave you a sense of true friendship. You remember getting ready to hoist that world cup trophy into the air and suddenly feeling time stop for a slight moment- just enough time for you to think back to the exact place you’re standing now. To this small town.

 

To where all your dreams began.

 

You’re not surprised to feel a tear roll down your face, and though you’re quick to brush it away, you’re not quick enough. The freckled face brunette beside you notices and wraps her arms around your waist. You hold on tight to her and whisper,  

 

“It’s not much. But it’s a part of me.”

 

You don’t think she could hear you, but again, you’re just loud enough. Kelley hears you loud and clear, and hugs you tight, burying herself into the crook of your neck. She whispers gently in your ear.

 

“And I love you for this. Even if you don’t, I will always love this part of you.”

 

_//_

_And I remember laughing_

_when we caught up;_

_asking if that was still a part of me._

_It's still a part of me._

 


	8. Never Say Never

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song suggested by an anon on tumblr.

_**Never Say Never | The Fray** _

* * *

 

 

_Some things we don't talk about_

_Rather do without_

_And just hold a smile_

_Falling in and out of love_

_Ashamed and proud of_

_Together all the while_

_//_

The buzz of excitement and pure bliss hits you as soon as you reach the rooftop. You instantly recognize familiar faces, most of them being your own teammates. Surprisingly, a good bunch of you all were able to make it- well, who would really miss this wedding when it’s all Sydney has been talking about for the past couple months? Sometimes she seemed a bit overboard with the whole wedding planning process, sharing every little detail, but you can’t really blame her. What she and Dom has together is truly something to be proud of.

 

Bringing Jerramy along, you begin to greet some people. You make small talk, mostly about how happy everyone is over the moon for the soon to be newlyweds. You’re actually enjoying yourself, until you happen to glance over the staircase and see _her._

 

You know you’ve told yourself this a thousand times, but you tell yourself again, _Kelley is gorgeous._ You have to catch your breath, just like you do every time you see her, but most especially now. She’s in a simple, yet incredibly sexy, black dress and her hair flows just below her shoulder, perfectly framing her animated face.

 

You don’t have the strength to peel your attention away from her, so it takes Jerramy literally guiding you into your seat to distract you. While she’s not in your line of sight anymore, she takes over your thoughts.

 

Your entire relationship with Kelley flashes before your eyes. Well, rewind- maybe relationship isn’t the right word. To be honest, you’re not sure how to describe what happened between the two of you. It wasn’t something you talked about.

 

That was the first mistake.

 

And you know it’s partially your fault. You were never one to open up about your feelings, but with Kelley, it was different. You did open up. You talked about almost everything together, but not the right things. Because if you did talk about the right things, then maybe a certain tall former football player wouldn’t be sitting next to you at the moment.

 

You then think about your last night together- your last chance to make something out of what you had together. You’ll never forget the way your bodies were tangled together. You’ll never forget how her eyes glistened as she prepared to ask you a question. You’ll never forget the desperation in her voice when she asked, _What are we doing, Hope?_

 

But most of all, you’ll never forget the silence that followed, how you failed to act upon the opportunity right in front of you- the opportunity to be with Kelley forever, to be happy.

 

_I love you, Kelley._

 

You should’ve told her right there and then.

 

But you didn’t.

 

And that was the second mistake.

_//_

_You can never say never while we don't know it_

_Time, time and time again_

_Younger now than we were before_

 

_//_

 

The music begins to play and that’s your cue to stand along with everyone else. Your teammate begins to gracefully stroll down the aisle, and you couldn’t be happier for her. But as soon as she passes you, your eyes meet that of a certain brunette’s.

 

Knowing your luck, you’re not surprised to see her standing in the opposite row just across the aisle. She’s staring straight back at you, and for once you’re on the same page. You can see the hurt in her eyes and right then you know exactly what the both of you are thinking.

 

_This could have been us._

 

You feel a small glimmer of hope, relieved that she might just be thinking the same. You begin to believe that it’s not too late, that you won’t ever say never, but this thought is shattered as soon as Kelley breaks eye contact to connect with the person next to her. A pang of regret hits you like a ton of bricks, and you feel sick to your stomach. You watch as Kelley slips through your fingers and into the arms of another. You watch as Ann holds her close, their hands intertwined.

 

You had your chance, so it shouldn’t bother you that Kelley’s with someone else now.

 

But it does.

_//_

_Picture you're the queen of everything_

_Far as the eye can see_

_Under your command_

_I will be your guardian when all is crumbling_

_Steady your hand_

_//_

You’ve never been fond of Ann. It’s not that she’s a terrible person- in fact, Kelley seems happy with her. You just don’t like her because Kelley belongs to her. You hate the way Kelley melts into her, in the same way she used to melt into you. Point is, Ann isn’t good for her.

 

You’re good for her.

 

So in this moment, you promise yourself that when things begin to fall apart (of course you’re secretly hoping that they will), you’ll be there for Kelley. You know it’s not your job, but you can’t help yourself.

 

You’ll be there.   

 

-

 

The ceremony ends and the reception begins. You’re careful of where you place yourself throughout the night, doing your best to avoid confrontation. But it becomes too much and you find yourself _needing_ contact. There’s no way you’ll make it through the rest of the night unless you talk to her, even if it’s just for a little bit. You search the room for the shorter, freckled-face woman, but you hear a soft chuckle behind you and you realize she’s already beat you to it.

 

“Looking for something, Solo?”

 

You slowly turn around, hoping your pulse calms down in time for your voice to steady.

 

“No…not particularly.” You panic, “You look beautiful, Kell.”

 

You blush, realizing what just came out of your mouth. Kelley doesn’t mind, and she smiles in return, “As do you.”

 

Things are slowly becoming awkward between the two of you, and of course, Kelley points it out, “You alright? I’ve been waiting for you to come over…it’s like you’ve been avoiding me all night.”

 

You scoff, “You’ve been hard to track tonight, bouncing all over the place and having _way_ too much fun.”

 

Her eyes twinkle, “It’s a wedding, Hope. Weddings are meant to be _fun_.”

 

You can never win with her, so you mumble, “It didn’t look like you had time for me.”

 

You glance over to where Ann is standing. You don’t meant to, but it happens, and it also seems to silence Kelley. She clears her throat and continues the conversation anyways.

 

“So how are you and Jerramy?”

 

“Fine…I mean, we’re good. We keep to ourselves, as usual.”

 

“That’s good.”

 

“Yeah, just trying to enjoy some down time before we gear up for Rio soon.”

 

“Right, right…the Olympics…” Kelley stares straight ahead, her voice fading.

 

You frown at her sudden break of contact and softly joke, “You nervous, O’Hara?”

 

“No!” She immediately responds. “I’m a world champion now…nothing can make me nervous now.”

 

The two of you laugh, and it’s the first time that night you actually feel happy- you see, she has that effect on you. The laughter dies out and you find yourself murmuring.

 

“We’ll be just fine…the Olympic belongs to us, remember? It’s _our_ tournament.”

 

Regret continues to wash over you, and you’re kicking yourself for not taking the chance on her in London. You ask yourself, _How did you even let it get this far?_ You’re married now. Kelley’s with Ann. Things have changed, but one thing has remained constant.

 

You were meant for her.  

 

You recollect your thoughts and you think, _This is it_. This is your chance to tell her how much she means to you. But she beats you to it for the second time tonight.  

 

“I better get going.” She glances over to her girlfriend, who is motioning to join her on the dance floor.

 

You feel your heart sink. There’s nothing you can do, so you nod in understanding. She brings you in for a hug, and your heart tightens at how familiar this all feels- the way she fits perfectly in the crook of your neck.

 

You want to stay like this forever. You want to scream, _Don’t let me go._

 

She stands on her toes, and you feel your breath hitch as her breath creeps up your neck and into your ear. As if she can read your thoughts, she whispers,

 

“And for the record, I’ll always have time for you.”

_//_

_Don't let me go, don't let me go, don't let me go_

_Don't let me go, don't let me go, don't let me go_

 


	9. Marry Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song suggested by anon on tumblr.

_**Marry Me | Train** _

* * *

 

_Forever can never be long enough for me_

_To feel like I've had long enough with you_

_Forget the world now we won't let them see_

_But there's one thing left to do_

_//_

 

_How do you know you’ve found the one?_

Hopeless romantic or not, almost every other person encounters this question at least once in their lifetime.

 

Lucky for you, this question doesn’t faze you- it doesn’t worry you in the way it worries others.

 

Because ten year old you happened to create a certain list. 

 

**I. When she captures your heart without your knowledge.**

 

You want someone who catches you so off guard that your heart practically leaps out of your chest.

 

You want someone who you’re instantly attracted to, even though you can’t find the words to describe the attraction.

 

You want someone who makes you laugh.

 

You want someone who will never stop teasing you about your weird quirks.

 

You want someone who rolls her eyes at you at least once a day.  

 

You want someone who makes you tremble with fear and excitement all at once.  

 

You want someone that captures your heart in the blink of an eye. 

 

**II. When her passion for soccer amounts to your own.**

You want someone who is dedicated.

 

You want someone who forces you to wake up at 6 AM on Sunday mornings because she claims that, _There’s always work to be done._

 

You want someone who makes you look good- not just on the field, but off it as well.

 

You want someone who’s _literally_ going to be a soccer mom, showing up at every game- showing up for your children.

 

You want someone who will continue to be involved in the world of soccer- whether that’s vouching for gender equality or coaching or managing a team.  

You want someone who understands the sacrifices you’ve made to achieve your dream.

 

**III. When she’s the last thing you think about before going to bed.**

You want someone who stays up talking with you into the night, leaving you so exhausted by morning, but also knowing that she is so worth it.

 

You want someone who calls you up spontaneously, picks you up for dinner, and leaves you not ever wanting the night to end.

 

You want someone who you’re proud to show off at all family events.

 

You want someone who is always on your mind.  

**IV. When she’s the first thing you think about when you wake up.**

You want someone to hold you close in their arms every single night.

 

You want someone who cuddles with you, even though she denies the fact that she is, indeed, a “cuddler.”

 

You want someone who groans with you on Christmas morning when your two kids, your two greatest projects together, are caught jumping up and down on your bed.

 

You want someone who you can’t ever imagine being without.  

**V. When the two of you together makes absolutely no sense.**

You want someone who is your opposite- not just because opposites tend to attract, but it keeps things more exciting this way.

 

You want someone who challenges you.

 

You want someone who gives you something to fight for.

 

You want someone who makes everyone else around you question whether or not you will last; you’d like to prove them wrong.

 

You want someone with flaws that you’re willing to look past, to even love.

 

You want someone who you still can’t believe is yours as you’re on your knee, slipping a ring onto her finger as she just shakes her head, also in great disbelief.

 

_//_

_Together can never be close enough for me_

_To feel like I am close enough to you_

_You wear white and I'll wear out the words I love you_

_And you're beautiful_

_//_

You told your ten year old self that if you can check every single item off your list, then you’ve found the one.

 

The one who you’re going to do life with.

 

The one who is your forever.

 

The one who you will marry.

 

This list encompasses everything you’ve ever dreamed of. This is all you’ve ever hoped for.

 

Little do you know, _this is all yours._

 

You just don’t know it yet.

 

Because right now, you’re too concerned about not spilling your coffee- the coffee that is supposed to calm your nerves the morning of your first official day as the newest member of the national team. You’re incredibly overwhelmed as you search frantically for a seat in the crowded coffee shop just across the team hotel, and when it dawns on you that the only available seat is across a player you’ve been warned about numerous times, you want to take a step back.

 

But you find yourself taking a step forward instead.

 

You don’t know why, but you just do.

 

“Hi, I’m Kelley O’Hara. Mind if I join you?”

 

And right there and then, you just checked off the very first thing on your list.

 

_//_

_Marry me_

_Today and every day_

_Marry me_

_If I ever get the nerve to say hello in this cafe_


	10. Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my tribute to Abby Wambach (with hints of O'Solo of course!). Hope you enjoy it. 
> 
> Thanks, Abby.
> 
> ***Note: I know I said they won here lol and that didn't happen but hey, this is why it's fiction right? :)

_**Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life) | Green Day** _  

* * *

 

 

 _Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road_ _  
_

_Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go  
_

_So make the best of this test and don't ask why  
_

_It's not a question but a lesson learned in time_

_//_

 

_December 16, 2015._

 

A day that will be remembered by fans, teammates, friends, and family.

 

A day that will go down in the history of women’s soccer.

 

A day dedicated to Abby Wambach.

 

_The greatest of all time._

There will be many more greats in the future, but for now- and perhaps forever more, _There’s only one Abby._

 

An Abby who stumbles over her own words as she gets everyone psyched for each game.

 

An Abby who gives everyone a sense of security and calmness the moment she steps on the pitch.

 

An Abby who lights the field on fire just moments later, leaving both her teammates and opponents speechless and in complete awe.

 

An Abby who shows up in the 122nd minute, in the big moments.

 

An Abby who shows up off the field, in the small moments.

 

An Abby who has fought hard for women athletes, and will continue to do so.

 

An Abby who has sacrificed so much, sharing her passion with the rest of the world.  

 

An Abby who deserves our utmost respect, adoration, and love.

 

 _Thank you, Abby_.

 

-

 

A mixture of nostalgia and bittersweet sentiments consumed the entire team as they waited anxiously to depart for the stadium. As soon as Kelley stepped onto the bus, she felt like she was suffocating under the unusual quietness of her teammates. There wasn’t much laughter or playful banter among them, and of course she didn’t expect anything other than this. Still, she wasn’t prepared for her heart to feel so heavy. No one was.

 

As she made her way onto the bus, Kelley gave a small smile to Abby, who was holding it together quite well. She nodded in return and let out a small, _It’s game day_ , as if this was any other bus ride to a match. Kelley glanced ahead and within seconds, she made a decision and plopped down next to one of her teammates.

 

Tobin, removing her headphones from her ears, turned to her teammate and asked out of surprise, “You’re not sitting with Hope today?”

 

Kelley bit her lip and turned her head towards the back of the bus where a reserved goalkeeper gazed intensely out of the window. Kelley quickly turned back around and sighed, “I think she needs some alone time right now.

 

Tobin just nodded and resumed listening to her music. Kelley really appreciated this about Tobin- how she had the ability to mind her own business and leave her teammates alone when they clearly did not want to be pushed for answers.

 

The bus slowly began to depart and throughout the entire ride, Kelley couldn’t help but glance backwards. She was finding it a lot harder than she thought it would be to give the keeper the space she needed. All she wanted to do was talk with her, to check in with her and see how she was doing. But she knew that Hope would come to her when she was ready.

 

And Kelley would be there.

 

They finally arrived at the stadium, and from that point on, it was a whirlwind of emotions for everyone.

 

Some couldn’t hold it together the minute the team started to warm up together for the last time. This resulted in plenty of social media updates and picture postings such as “It’s Game Day! #OnlyOneAbby #ThanksAbby” or “We’ll Miss You #GOAT”- mostly from Alex and Sydney, who used this as their coping mechanism for the departure of their mentor, their friend.

 

Along with a great portion of the team, Kelley joined in on social media, but while doing so, she couldn’t help but notice the lack of participation from Hope. She focused on her warmups like she normally did, not stopping once to take out her phone. Kelley knew this was a typical reaction from her since she wasn’t one to share her deepest feelings with the rest of the world. She was closed off in that sense, but at the same time, Kelley could see the ache in her eyes as she struggled to stay strong and not let her emotions get the best of her.

 

The ceremony beforehand was beautifully done, honoring Abby to the fullest as she stood with the world at her feet. The first round of tears were shed, mostly among her family and the fans, who faithfully had filled the stadium.

 

After lineups were announced, the team huddled one last time for one of Abby’s infamous pre-game pep rallies. Adrenaline pumping through her veins, she was at a loss of words within a matter of seconds, forcing laughter out of everyone. She teased, _I swear to God I’ll haunt this team for the rest of my life if we lose my retirement game._

 

The second round of tears came at the end of the game. They won, of course- there was no way in hell they were sending Abby off with a loss. When the final whistle blew, the team gathered together as they shed tears watching the video of highlights and clips from Abby’s legendary career.

 

Throughout all this, Kelley kept an eye on Hope, who maintained reserved as ever- refusing to let one tear roll down her face. Concern filled her as she knew that Hope was bottling this all in, and that the closest she came to tears was when Abby was substituted halfway through the game and walked off the field for the final time.

 

From her place, Kelley watched as Abby ran over to Carli, transferring the captain’s arm band, a little switch they had also made during the world cup final.

 

She then watched as Abby embraced her as well as her other teammates, most noticeably Alex, who had tears streaming down her face as it dawned upon her that this was the last of the Wambach-Morgan dynamic duo.

 

Kelley then locked her eyes onto Hope, who was making her way towards Abby. Once reaching her, the two of them embraced for what seemed like the longest out of everyone else. Kelley noticed as Hope whispered something into her ear before jogging back to her goal post.

 

The chants of _Abby! Abby! Abby!_ increased in volume and filled the stadium as everyone watched a legend exit the game for good. Everyone, except for one person, that is. Kelley never lost sight of Hope, who had her hands on her hips and her head down. Hope was taking this opportunity of everyone’s attention on Abby to find some time for herself, and this did not go unnoticed by Kelley. At one point, Kelley thought she might actually break down into tears and that she would have to run over to console the keeper, but naturally, Hope shoved her emotions further down. But Kelley wished she didn’t do that- in fact, she wished that Hope would soften her grip on her heart. Because as fragile as it might be at the moment, Kelley swore she’d be its caretaker.

 

The whirlwind of Abby’s retirement eventually died down, turning into a celebration that would go far into the night. The team enjoyed their final moments together, and it appeared that many were finally coming to terms with her departure. They needed to move forward.

 

But as the team celebrated in the ballroom of their hotel, Kelley found herself being gently pulled away from all the commotion. Without question, she followed the tall brunette back into the room they were sharing.

 

Kelley knew that this was it. Just as she predicted, Hope had come to her, and just as she had promised, she would be there for her.

 

And with the click of the door closing shut, Hope took a seat on her bed and burst into tears.

 

Kelley hated seeing the usually composed keeper so vulnerable and felt tears brimming in her own eyes. She mumbled quietly,

 

“Oh, babe…”

 

Hope tried wiping her tears away, but only more fell. Kelley sat down next to her, leaning her head against her shoulder and holding her hand in reassurance. The two of them found themselves begging for comfort, which soon manifested in the form of laying side by side with Kelley holding Hope as she allowed herself to cry.

 

Kelley did the best to comfort the older woman, “She’s going to be missed, there’s no doubt about that…but she’s left us with something truly amazing- a spirit, a liveliness, that was never part of the game before.” 

 

Kelley felt Hope’s breathing subdued, so she continued and whispered, “And now it’s up to us to carry this one into the future of women’s soccer. From now on, we play for Abby. We play for her in the same way we play for Mia. For Chalupny, Lauren, and Boxxy. For all the greats before us. For all those little girls in the stands. _For each other_.”

 

Hope turned her body around to face Kelley, placing a gentle kiss to her forehead and hoping that was worth a thousand words. Kelley understood, and the two laid together in silence.

 

But before either of them had the chance to doze off, Kelley nestled her head into the crook of Hope’s neck and broke the silence. As her mind reverted back to the moment Abby exited the game, she softly asked, “What did you say to her?”

 

After a short pause, Hope finally spoke and disclosed, “All it takes is one.”

 

Kelley didn’t have to say another word. She knew exactly what Hope meant.

 

 _All it takes is one_.

 

One goal.

 

One save.

 

One chance.

 

Everyone knew this simple phrase was the driving force of their greatest win in 2011, but at this very moment, Kelley knew this one phrase encompassed the entirety of Hope and Abby’s friendship. They had their ups and downs, and they didn’t agree on everything, but they trusted in each other and that’s what mattered the most. They turned to each other in the best and worst times. And just like Abby said, all it takes is one.

 

One leader.

 

One teammate.

 

One friend.   

 

_//_

_It's something unpredictable but in the end is right_

_  
I hope you had the time of your life_


	11. I'd Rather

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song suggested by ourgoldah on tumblr.

_**I'd Rather | Luther Vandross** _

* * *

 

 

_I'd rather have bad times with you, than good times with someone else_

_I'd rather be beside you in a storm, than safe and warm by myself_

_//_

Hope’s head perked up as she heard the doorbell ring. Not expecting anyone, she huffed and reluctantly left her comfortable place on the couch. Quickly fixing the various creases in her sweats and taking her hair out of her messy bun, she made her way towards the front of the house.

 

As soon as she opened the door, she stumbled backwards as a body slammed into her and legs wrapped tightly around her waist.

 

“K…Kelley?” Hope stuttered in surprise as she struggled to hold on to the younger woman, who was now burrowing her head into the side of her neck.

 

“I’ve missed you.”

 

Gently putting her down, Hope just stared in disbelief, “What are you doing here?”

 

Kelley looked up at the keeper, slightly taken aback by her reaction, “I…I wanted to surprise you.”

 

Hope took a few steps back, allowing Kelley and her luggage into her house. Still shocked, Hope muttered a small, “Oh, okay.”

 

“Hope, what’s wrong?” Kelley jumped the gun, noticing something was obviously bugging the older woman.

 

“N…nothing, I just wasn’t expecting you.”

 

“Well, we talked about me visiting sometime this summer. I didn’t know me coming unannounced would be such a big deal to you.” Kelley sighed.

 

“It’s not.”

 

“Yes, it is.”

 

Hope gave Kelley a tight smile and pressed a small kiss to her forehead, trying to diffuse the awkwardness hanging in the air, “It’s good to see you.”

 

“Good? That’s it?” Kelley’s expression continued to dim, expecting more of an explanation from Hope.

 

Knowing she wouldn’t leave the subject alone, Hope admitted honestly, “I just don’t like surprises.”

 

“Hope, we haven’t seen each other in months!” Kelley reasoned.

 

“What if I was busy this week?”

 

“Well are you?”

 

“No.”

 

“Then that’s beside the point.” Kelley crossed her arms in a defensive stance, “Do you not want me here?”

 

“No, no…I do.” Hope weakly affirmed, totally conflicted inside.

 

“Sure doesn’t sound like it.” Kelley read her too easily and continued to beg, “Hope, please talk to me.”

 

“I am!”

 

“Well we’re not getting anywhere.”

 

Hope shook her head and a string of thoughts flowed freely out of her mouth, “Kelley, you can’t just show up here whenever you want and expect me to just run with it. I know we haven’t seen each other in awhile, but I feel like that’s not a good enough reason for us to be flying across the country at our own leisure.”

 

Hope couldn’t control herself and though deep down she knew she should’ve stopped talking, she felt herself continue, “This isn’t that serious and I really don’t have the time for…”

 

Hope’s voice faded as she felt the sting of her hurtful words. Instantly regretting what she had just said, she looked helplessly at Kelley, who had a devastated look plastered over her face. Not bearing to face her anymore, Hope grabbed her keys and headed straight out the door.

 

She drove around aimlessly for a while before pulling to the side of the road and resting her head against the steering wheel, all while trying to control her staggered breathing.

 

 _Damn it, why do you have to fuck up everything good in your life?_ Hope thought to herself.

 

She really needed to stop running. You would think she would have learned by now, but for some reason, she just kept doing it. Kelley was the best thing to have happened to her and yet she continuously closed her off. They’ve been together for quite some time now (despite the fact that they never put a label to their relationship), and this was something the two had always struggled with.

 

Kelley had always put more effort into their relationship while Hope fought her inner demons that wrongly convinced her that she didn’t deserve anything remotely good in life. Hope was surprised that Kelley had stuck around this long, and after their most recent exchange, she had a feeling this would be the end for them. Why would anyone want to stay with her after all this?  

 

Hope felt terrible, her heart sinking lower as she thought more about losing Kelley. Her thoughts suffocated her for the rest of the day before she finally decided to return home late in the night. She stepped into her silent home, thinking that if she hadn’t been so stupid, then maybe her and Kelley would be sitting on the couch together, having a lively conversation and just enjoying the presence of one another.

 

Hope tiredly made her way to her bedroom, but caught herself before flicking on the lights. Squinting, she noticed a lump in her bed sheets and a small pile of belongings in the corner.

 

Kelley had stayed.

 

Hope’s heart fluttered as she gently crawled into bed with the younger woman. She watched as Kelley’s body rose and fell with each shallow breath, and she felt another pang of regret for the wounding words she had spoken earlier.

 

Calmly shaking her shoulder, Hope whispered softly, “Kell…”

 

Kelley let out a small groan as she looked over her shoulder with one eye open. Her eyes slowly blinked open as the blurry vision of Hope became clear. Sitting up, she quietly greeted, “Hey…”

 

“What are you doing here?” Hope asked.

 

Frustration lacing her voice, Kelley sighed, “Really, again?”

 

“No, no…I don’t mean it that way.” Hope began to correct herself, “Why are you still here? After everything I said to you today, I just thought…”

 

Kelley interrupted her and yawned, “Because I knew you’d come back wanting to talk.”

 

“Kelley, I’m sorry…I just don’t know how to do this.”

 

“It’s okay, Hope, really.”

 

Hope shook her head, “No, it’s not. I do this to you over and over again. I can’t let myself keep hurting you like this.”

 

“Well, I’d rather do all this with you.”

 

Not hearing Kelley’s quiet interruption, Hope rambled on, “I've never had someone who actually enjoys being with me, and that scares me...and I don't trust myself around you, so…wait, what?”

 

“I’d rather do all this with you,” Kelley repeated and then expanded, “You’re trying, Hope, I know. I’ll admit that it hurts sometimes, but I’m not leaving your side as you go through all this…when you’re at your worse.”

 

Hope interjected, “Kelley, you deserve someone so much better than me. You’re too good for me.”

 

“That’s why I’m here…I’m here to remind you that goodness is possible in life.” Kelley half-smiled as she tucked a loose hair strand behind Hope’s ear. She mumbled softly, “I’d rather go through all this with you than not have you in my life at all.”

 

Noticing that she had rendered Hope speechless, Kelley brought them closer together, laying her head against Hope’s chest. She joked, “See? You can’t scare me away that easily…you’ll have to try a lot harder next time you want to get rid of me.”

 

Hope let out a small laugh, but in all seriousness, she silently made a promise with herself, _There won’t be a next time._

_//_

_I'd rather have hard times together, than to have it easy apart_

_I'd rather have the one who holds my heart_

 


	12. Never Stop

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hope has a serious case of baby fever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song suggested by Cardinal1998. Prompt given by anon on tumblr.

_**Never Stop | Safety Suit** _

* * *

 

_~~~~_

_This is my love song to you_

_Let every woman know I’m yours_

_So you can fall asleep each night, babe_

_And know I’m dreaming of you more_

_//_

You’ve been waiting on the sidelines for about an hour now.

 

Most of the time after games, all your teammates’ kids would rush out onto the field. It’s a tradition, one started years ago by little Rylie Rampone. Though Cap was retired now, she always made an effort to keep everyone in touch with her family, knowing the special bonds that were created between her kids and former teammates. With their most recent friendly in New Jersey, it was no surprise that Cap showed up with the girls.

 

You love seeing the field fill with enthusiastic girls and boys, all who fondly refer to you as “Aunty KO.” For a while, you watch Reece chase and tease her younger buddy Ryan. You can’t help but chuckle at the fact that things really don’t change even though the pair of friends were much older now. You watch as a group of your teammates bombard and surround Ashlyn, Ali, and the newest member of the USWNT family.

 

But for some reason, your eyes keep wandering over to the goal post downfield and soon you can’t pry your eyes away from there. Hope appears to be giving tips to Carli and Brian’s eldest son, who is adamant on becoming a goalkeeper one day (Hope totally had nothing to do with that). Hope, too, just recently retired, but she would always be a part of the team- not only to support your career, but to maintain all the relationships with everyone just like Cap.

 

You then notice that the young boy is rather upset, but as soon as Hope kneels down in front of them and whispers what appears to be some encouraging words, his face lightens up with the brightest smile. You can’t help but smile either.

 

You look down at your watch, knowing that Carli was probably waiting impatiently in the locker room, wondering where her kid had disappeared to. You call out to your wife, warning her that you two should probably get going soon.

 

“Just five more minutes, Kell!” She yells back.

 

You shake your head. Honestly, Hope is worse than the kids when it comes to getting her off the field. You keep on watching until you feel someone by your side.

 

Christie comments, “She’s really good with them, you know.”

 

You nod in agreement and let out a small laugh, “I think she’s more excited to be out there than the kids themselves.”

 

The two of you wait in silence for some time before Christie out of the blue asks, “Kell, have you two talked about having kids any time soon?”

 

You’re taken aback by her question. You’ve been married to Hope for almost a year now, but you haven’t talked about that in depth. You simply reply,

 

“We haven’t discussed it in detail- I guess we just always assumed we’d have one eventually…” You sigh and think about it a little harder, “Well, I mean, I haven’t really made the effort to bring it up to her…I actually don’t think I know if she even wants kids.”

 

You look back at Hope, who just placed Alex and Servando’s little girl on her shoulder, and is now running around the pitch, laughing at all the little ones who unbeknownst to them, just got caught in a game of tag. Hope catches your eye and you feel your breath hitch, still not over the fact that the former keeper with a twinkle in her eye is entirely yours.

 

Christie seems to read your thoughts and softly nudges you as she looks on at Hope, “I think the answer is right in front of you.”

 

You begin to understand what Christie is hinting at, and looking down at your watch again, you think maybe you can wait a little more than five minutes.

_//_

_You’re always hoping that we make it_

_You always want to keep my gaze_

_Well you’re the only one I see_

_And that’s the one thing that won’t change_

_//_

You’re talking with Ali on the team floor when you notice Ashlyn make her way down the hallway. With a distressed look on her face, she whines, “Ali, our kid has been rudely kidnapped from us again.”

 

Greeting her wife with a quick peck on the lips, Ali smiles, “Who’s the culprit now?”

 

“Hope.”

 

“Oh, just let her have a moment. We both knew that if we brought her along, we wouldn’t see much of her.” Ali reasons.

 

Ashlyn crosses her arms, still not happy with the fact that their six month old spent more time with her aunties than her parents themselves. She pouts, “I’ve been gracious enough to let everyone have their turn…this is Hope’s third turn with her!”

 

Ali scolds, “Give it a rest, Ash.”

 

Ashlyn glares at you like you’ve done something wrong. You ask incredulously, “What are you looking at me for?! I haven’t touched your kid all day!”

 

“Control your wife.” Ash accuses.

 

Ali puts an arm on the bleach blonde’s arm. She looks at you apologetically, “I think what Ash is trying to say is that Hope’s come down with baby fever.”

 

“Baby fever?” You wonder.

 

“Yeah, you know…it’s probably time for her to have one of her own soon.” Ali explains.

 

Your eyes widen and once again, you find yourself stumbling over your response. You’re not able to get a word out before you see Hope, carrying a little bundle in her arms, making her way towards the three of you.

 

Ash lets out a heavy huff, “Oh look who’s here to return our-”

 

Hope brings a finger to her mouth, shushing her former teammate, “Quiet! She’s tired…I’m going to put her down for a nap.”

 

And with that, Hope disappears into a hotel room, shutting the door behind her. Ash stands beside you, her jaw dropped to the floor. Before she can say anything, Ali intervenes.

 

“Ash, calm down…”

 

“Did you see that?! Now she’s depriving me of my motherly duties!”

 

Ali chuckled sweetly at her wife’s blow up, “Go walk it off, Ash. She’ll give her back eventually.”

 

As Ashlyn wanders off, she looks over her shoulder and glares at you, “I’m telling you, Kell… you and Mama Hope need to get on it _real_ soon.”

 

Mama Hope?

 

You realize that Ashlyn is the second person in the span of 24 hours to say something remotely related to you and Hope having kids, and you’re starting to think it isn’t a coincidence.

_//_

_I’ll never stop trying_

_I’ll never stop watching as you leave_

_I’ll never stop losing my breath_

_Every time I see you looking back at me_

_//_

You’re reading in bed when Hope sneaks into the room later that night. You look up from your book and pat the spot beside you, “Finally had enough of Baby Kriegs?”

 

“Never.” Hope smiles as she crawls next to you, giving you a light peck on your cheeks. She goes on, “She’s so adorable, Kell…she’s mini Ali Krieger for sure.”

 

You smile at the way her face lights ups as she talks to you. You nod, but say, “You better watch out though- Ashlyn might have your head if you keep taking away their kid from them.”

 

“Oh, she’ll get over it soon…she did that to all the other babies of the team before she and Ali had their own. I can’t help but want to spoil the newest gal.”

 

You let out a small laugh as Hope takes out her phone to show you something. She exclaims, “So I was on Pinterest looking to get an outfit for Baby Kriegs and…”

 

You interrupt, mildly amused, “Back up, since when did you use Pinterest?”

 

Hope rolls her eyes, really a gesture of love for you, and ignores your question, “Anyways, I came across this little chicken outfit. How cute is this?!”

 

You take the phone from her and peer at the ridiculous outfit for a baby. You shake your head, “You’re too much sometimes, you know that, right?”

 

Hope shrugs and leans her head on the backboard of the bed, scrolling through more Pinterest archives. She mutters, “Well, I’m definitely getting one of these outfits for our child’s first Halloween.”

 

You almost drop the book you’re reading and you focus your attention solely onto Hope. You stutter, “Ou…our child?”

 

“Yeah.” Hope replied mindlessly.

 

“Oh…so we’re having kids then?” You don’t know why you’re so nervous asking her.

 

“Of course!” Hope says almost too quickly. Her face begins to fall as she gets the wrong message from you, “Oh, do you not want to have...”

 

Seeing her expression fall and her eyes fill with concern is enough to make your heart flutter. You assure her, “No, no…I do.”

 

Hope’s concerned expression begins to relax and you snuggle closer into her. You think back on her laugh as she ran around with your teammates’ kids. You then think back to the way she cradled Ashlyn and Ali’s daughter as if she was her own, and how her eyes softened every time she cried.

 

Hope is full of surprises. You already knew that, but you still can’t believe you’ve just discovered a whole new side of her- a softer side of her that only you will be able to see at its prime when you have kids of your own. Again, you realize that she’ll never fail to amaze you. She’s your future.

 

 _Mama Hope._  

 

You don’t think you’ll ever get used to that.

 

But you sure are beginning to like the sound of it.

 

_//_

_I’ll never stop holding your hand_

_I’ll never stop opening your door_

_I’ll never stop choosing you babe_

_I’ll never get used to you_

 


	13. Closure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Three strikes, you're out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly don't know where this came from. Sorry. 
> 
> Song suggested by sillaberg on tumblr.

_**Closure | Hayley Warner**_

* * *

 

 

_It’s like we are lying on the beach_

_And the tide is at our feet_

_It will soon be at our heads_

_And take our breath_

_//_

You blame yourself for this.

 

Every morning you wake up, nowadays to an empty spot beside you, and ask yourself, _Where did you go wrong?_

You two were doing pretty well. No, you two were _perfect._

 

You miss the nights you could show up unexpectedly and convince her to grab “second dinner” with you, even if that meant burgers and milkshakes at a subpar diner down the street. Now, she just looks at you tiredly and closes the door.

 

You miss the conversations that end with her rolling your eyes at you, a gesture of pure love and adoration for your silliness. Now, she rolls your eyes at you as a sign of disgust and annoyance.  

 

You miss the way she’d greet you after weeks of being apart- she’d jog over, pick you up, and twirl you around like you were in some goddamn fairytale. Now, she walks over like it’s a chore, not a desire, and presses a small kiss to the side of your head. Nothing more.

 

Missing her comes in waves. And right now, you’re drowning.

 

She’s so far gone now, so checked out. You should really stop blaming yourself because there is nothing you can do now. Yet, you convince yourself otherwise. There is one more thing you can do.

 

You have to end it.

 

You give yourself until the end of this camp. It really shouldn’t bother you since you dread seeing her at practice, but it terrifies you. What if you’re not strong enough? What if you allow yourself to keep drowning because simply looking at her is like coming up for fresh air? What if closure isn’t as easy as you’ve persuaded yourself to think?

 

But closure _has_ to be all that you think it is.

 

Because deep down, your heart is begging you to set it free- even if freedom means tucking it away safely so that it may never love again, that _you_ may never be hurt again.

 

You should’ve done this awhile ago, but the two of you were too afraid to just walk out, to leave things like this. Now you hate her even more for leaving you to do this on your own terms, even if you knew all along that this would be left up to you.

 

Come to think of it, you knew it was over the moment you met her. You should’ve listened to the voice inside your head, screaming at you over and over again, _She’s not good for you, Kelley. She’s going to break your heart._

 

But you didn’t listen.

 

You _never_ listen when it comes to her- and she knows it too.

 

**Strike one.**

_//_

 

_I don’t want to say it but somebody's gotta say that it's over_

_Seeing you defeated doesn’t bring me any closer to closure_

_//_

She’s let you down so many times that you’ve lost count.

 

The time she bailed out on meeting your family during the rare occurrences that they were in town. You just texted back a quick, _I understand,_ and apologized to your family for her absence.

 

The time she accused you of spending too much time with one of your college friends, even though she refused to put a label on whatever was going on between the two of you. You reassured her over and over again, _I want to be with you…only you._

 

The time she fought you for hours into the night when you asked her why it was taking her so long to explicitly say “I love you,” even if you already knew that she did. You had never heard so many expletives or cried so many tears that night. Yet, the next morning, you forgave her; you stayed.  

 

But now you don’t even fight anymore. No more yelling. No more tears. No more, _I hate yous._ Just sheer bitterness and unrequited love filling the endless gap between the both of you.

The last day of camp finally arrives and you stand before one another after waving off the rest of your teammates. You think- no, you pray- that the two of you have one last fight in you.

 

Because you’d like to feel again. That’s all you want to do. But when she opens her mouth one last time, you know you’re going to be numb forever.

 

“Kell, please stay.”

 

Her demand lacks substance; it’s weightless.

 

And your heart is no longer grounded.

 

**Strike two.**

 

_//_

 

_With both our backs against the wall_

_Someone’s gotta to take the fall_

_So I’ll be the first to cross the line_

_//_

“It’s over, Hope.”

 

That’s all you say. That’s all you have to say, really. No need for an explanation. No need for one last Hail Mary.  

 

She just takes one step closer to you and gently presses her forehead against your own. You allow her to, hoping to feel the dampness of her tears. But just like all the previous times, there aren’t tears. You didn’t expect there to be, but a part of you wishes there were.

 

You lean up for one last kiss.

 

A kiss that brings closure.

 

And as you break away, not daring to look into her eyes because you feel your knees already going weak, you feel renewed. It suddenly dawns on you that you were too busy trying to save whatever was left that you didn’t realize the hard truth of it all.

 

A truth actually quite simple, though catastrophically tragic.

 

_There’s nothing left to save._

 

She fell out of love with you.

 

And you fell out of love with her.

 

**Strike three.**

_//_

_I am acting out of self-defense_

_I am all out of options_

_I don’t want to say it but somebody's gotta say that it's over_

 


	14. Little Things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hope can’t get enough of Kelley’s freckles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song suggested by harrystyleslover200 on tumblr. Prompt suggested by anon.

_**Little Things | One Direction**_

* * *

 

_Your hand fits in mine like it's made just for me_

_But bear this in mind, it was meant to be_

_And I'm joining up the dots with the freckles on your cheeks_

_And it all makes sense to me..._

_//_

Hope gently closed the door behind her and tiptoed in. Placing a few bags of groceries on the kitchen counter, she tiptoed upstairs and into the bedroom. She smiled at the sight before her. Daylight peeked through the curtains and shone upon the foot of the bed where Kelley slept soundly. Glancing at the clock on the nightstand, Hope was slightly surprised by the time. It was almost noon. She knew it was quite uncharacteristic for either herself or Kelley to sleep in this late, but Kelley had been up earlier that morning. As a matter of fact, she’s been having a lot of early (and hardly durable) mornings lately.

 

Hope made her way to her side of the bed where she slipped under the covers next to the woman she loved, careful not to make even the slightest of noise. As she watched Kelley’s body rise and fall with each steady breath, she thought to herself, _God, she’s beautiful._

Taking note of each crease on her forehead and the way her hair flowed messily, Hope studied the younger woman’s face, and though her eyes, the hazel brown ellipses that danced with laughter and were filled with sheer O’Hara, happened to be closed, Hope felt like she was looking at an entire story, a whole life, in front of her. And boy, did she _love_ this life.

 

She loved how Kelley’s laugh was so infectious that it often made strangers smile with curiosity as they strolled pass.

 

She loved how Kelley would absentmindedly daydream in the car that sometimes you have to repeat yourself not just twice, but three times.

 

She loved how their hands would somehow find each other and rest perfectly intertwined.

 

She loved how Kelley would try so hard to keep a smile off her face, especially when that smile was more of a smirk, indicating that she was up to no good.

 

But most of all, she loved that Kelley was _all_ hers.

 

Kelley gave Hope’s future a special meaning- a purpose- and Hope knew she would spend the rest of her life protecting that.

 

“You’re hovering again.”

 

Oh yeah, Hope loved her playful tone of voice, too. The only voice that could draw her attention.

 

“No, I’m not.” Hope denies, her voice wavering at the fact that she’s been caught. She looks nervously at the woman before her, whose eyes were still closed.

 

Kelley steadied her breath, leading Hope to think she had slipped back into sleep, but within a minute, she murmured, “Stop looking at me with that face.”

 

“How do you know…” Hope sighed, knowing Kelley knew her way too well. That’s what happens when you’ve been married to someone for quite some time now. Hope finally gave in, “Fine. Maybe, I am hovering.”

 

A small smirk crept onto Kelley’s face. She’d take any opportunity to let Hope know, _I told you so,_ even when it didn’t involve her saying one word. Annoyed, but so completely in love with the corners of Kelley’s mouth turning upwards, Hope couldn’t help but bring her lips to the former soccer player’s forehead.

 

Of course, Hope didn’t stop there.

 

She leaned in to kiss each temple of Kelley’s forehead, eliciting a small, but content, whimper of pleasure. Hope took her time with each kiss, careful of each one’s placement on her forehead. As she was showered with kisses, Kelley could feel the overprotectiveness hang in the air surrounding them, “Hope, we’re doing just fine, honestly.”

 

_We._

 

Hope’s heart skipped a beat, still adjusting to the fact that Kelley wasn’t just speaking for herself these days.

 

“I know…” Hope whispered softly, making her way to the bridge of Kelley’s nose. After placing a gentle kiss there, she moved to the corner of her mouth, causing Kelley to break into a full smile.

 

“Wh…what are you doing?” Kelley let out a soft laugh, her eyes still closed as she basked in happiness.

 

“Giving you kisses.” Hope replied matter of fact, as she moved to the other end of Kelley’s mouth.

 

“That’s the understatement of the year.” Kelley joked quietly.

 

Hope admitted, a smile forming on her own face, “I’m kissing your freckles.”

 

A light shade of pink crept onto Kelley’s face as she snuggled more into her pillow, “Yeah?”

 

“Yeah…I have to make sure I hit every little one.” Hope brought her lips to the crook of Kelley’s neck, feeling the younger woman squirm under her.

 

Hope pressed her lips against Kelley’s shoulder before leaving a trail of kisses down her arm, provoking a couple giggles here and there. She then took Kelley’s hand into her own, brought it up to her lips, and kissed it long and hard.

 

Kelley refused to open her eyes yet, savoring every kiss, but at this point, she gently placed her hands atop Hope’s head, pushing her away. “H…Hope…you’re being silly…”

 

“I’m being silly?” Hope asked with a tone of surprise in her voice, standing her ground and continuing to leave kisses up Kelley’s forearm. 

 

“You can’t get every single freckle, you know.” Kelley attempted to use logic.

 

“Challenge accepted.”

 

“Hope…”

 

Hope smiled as she kissed the younger woman’s neck. She whispered, “Fine, just one more…”

 

Before Kelley could say anything, she felt Hope’s hands drift to her shirt and tug upwards. Hope maneuvered herself lower, so that her head was placed perfectly near her lower half. Kelley’s heart began to race the moment she felt Hope’s warm breath against her, and she was pretty sure it stopped once her lips made contact with her skin, just above her belly button where the smallest bulge had emerged.

 

Kelley finally opened her eyes and looked down to see Hope grinning stupidly back at her. She pointed out, “Last time I checked, I didn’t have a freckle down there…”

 

Hope shrugged and made her way back to the head of the bed where she laid facing Kelley. “Like I said, I had to get to every single one.”

 

Still a hundred percent sure there was no dusting of freckles remotely anywhere close in that area, Kelley raised an eyebrow, “Are you comparing our little one to a freckle?”

 

Hope grinned, “Never said that.”

 

“Hope Solo, you did not just…”

 

“Hey,” Hope defended herself, “I just thought a little someone might be getting jealous of all the love I was spreading elsewhere. I’m doing my best to give you guys all the attention that you need…”

 

Kelley shook her head before leaning in to give Hope a kiss of her own. She muttered into her, “Well then, thank you for making sure of that.”

 

Hope deepened their kiss, placing her hands protectively just above Kelley’s hips. She wouldn’t exchange moments like these for anything else in the world. She loved everything about this.

 

And pretty soon, there’d be yet another little thing for her to love. 

_//_

_I'm in love with you_

_And all these little things_

 


	15. Amnesia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song suggested by anon on tumblr.

_**Amnesia | Josh Abbott Band** _

* * *

__

_If I had amnesia_

_I wouldn't know how much I need ya_

_And I wouldn't have to see ya every night_

_When I turn out the lights and close my eyes_

_//_

 

I roll onto my back and force my head back against my pillow in frustration. I sigh heavily and stare at the dark ceiling.

 

I fight back tears.

 

Just like I’ve done countless times before. Frankly, I’m getting quite good at it now. She’s hurt me _that_ many times.

 

And I keep letting her do this to me.

 

I know she’s not good for me. I know she probably won’t ever be good for me. I know.

 

But what I don’t know is what I’m doing here.

 

Laying alone in my bed. Another sleepless night. Without her.

 

This time, she called saying that she missed her flight and didn’t think it was worth it to book another one, claiming the flight prices were sky high. Just another freaking excuse. She’s running out of excuses and it’s only a matter of time before we run out of chances.

 

_Two months._

 

It’s been two months since we’ve seen each other. That’s not normal. We text, we call, we facetime. She thinks that makes up for all our time apart.

 

But it doesn’t.

 

It’s different when we’re actually together, when we’re _physically_ together.

 

But of course, I don’t say anything. I never say anything apart from her name.

 

_Hope._

 

I say it with a sense of urgency. It’s a statement; not a plea.

 

Instead of counting sheep, I begin counting the times she’s hurt me. Tonight, it gets to the point that I say enough is enough. I can’t do this anymore. I begin thinking of what I’m going to say to her when we facetime the next morning.

 

And it’s quite the list. It’s _awful_. The things I want to say to her…they’re not even worth repeating aloud because they’re just that terrible. I don’t know where I’m going to find the strength to say any of this to her, the strength to save myself.

 

_You’re selfish, Hope._

 

Not once do you ever ask me what I think, how I’m doing.

 

_You’re a coward, Hope._

 

You’re scared of us. You’re scared of the good we’ve become. 

 

_You’re insecure, Hope._

You hate yourself even when I’ve told you over and over again that I love you.

 

_You’re aggressive, Hope._

You don’t know how to control your anger. I’m good for you and you know it, and yet you choose to lash out. You choose anger.

 

_You’re dishonest, Hope._

 

Stop lying to me. Just say that you don’t want to be with me anymore. I can take it.

 

_You’re the worse thing to have happened to me, Hope._

 

Guilt starts to rise in my throat. That’s a low blow, but it’s true. I’d be better off if I never met you. I’d be better off without you.

 

I could say all these hateful things, and every single statement would be valid. I have reason to say all these things.

 

But when she calls the next morning, my heart skips a beat, my head is aloof, and my knees go weak.

 

“Hey, is everything okay?”

 

She notices that I didn’t get any sleep the night before, and yet she doesn’t explicitly point it out. She never does. She doesn’t care enough to.

 

This is my chance. This is my opportunity to escape. To find that strength I stayed up all night mustering up. To save myself.

 

_“Kelley.”_

 

That’s my name.

 

And the way she says it…with a sense of urgency. It’s a plea; not a statement.

 

My expression softens and I can feel it betraying my feelings.

 

Those hateful things that I had planned to say to her go out the window. Just like that.

 

Those hateful things turn into a sigh, and a last minute, overwhelming and uncontrollable,

 

“I miss you.”

_//_

_What I don't know wouldn't hurt me_

_If I could lose my memory_

_I think maybe I'd be fine_


	16. Lego House

_**Lego House | Ed Sheeran** _

* * *

 

 

_And it's dark in a cold December, but I've got you to keep me warm_

_If you're broken I will mend ya and keep you sheltered from the storm that's raging on, now_

_//_

 

Kelley watched nervously from her place on the field. Her knees trembled as she studiously tracked every movement of each player, her eyes widening every time anyone approached the goal post.

 

It was raining.

 

And rain meant more mistakes, more mud, more chances for slipping. Kelley looked down at her watch, wishing time would go faster as the rain pelted down harder. She almost convinced herself that they all would make it through the game unscathed when it happened.

 

And it happened faster than she could imagine.

 

As soon as she saw Hope run out for the ball, Kelley knew something bad was about to happen. Though the other player somehow avoided a collision, Hope was suddenly on the ground, clutching her back.

 

She had slipped.

 

“ _Hope!_ ”

 

Kelley pushed her way past numerous teammates before slipping herself and sliding next to the keeper on the ground. Hope had her eyes closed, pain etched into the crinkles of her face.

 

“Hope, talk to me.” Kelley kneeled down next to the keeper who was groaning with pain.

 

“J…just give me a minute.”

 

“A…are you okay? Is it your back? Is it…” Kelley’s voice trailed off as she anxiously looked up at her teammates surrounding them.

 

“No, no…I’m fine.” Hope continued to take deep breaths in and out before standing up on her own. Kelley still had a hand on the taller woman’s arm, carefully guiding her. Hope reached down, squeezed Kelley’s hand, and offered a reassuring smile, “Kelley, I’m okay…”

 

“Let’s get back into positions, guys.” Carli urged from the side.

 

“Hope, I don’t know…are you sure you’re alright?” Kelley said firmly, not being able to hide the concern in her voice.

 

Ali reiterated, “Kell, she said she’s fine. Let’s go.”

 

Kelley looked over her shoulder towards the sidelines where the rest of the team and coaches looked on. Carli jogged over, “Is there a problem?”

 

Becky shrugged from her place next to Hope, “Hope’s fine, we’re just about to…”

 

“Everyone, shut up!” Kelley interjected, earning looks of surprise from her teammates.

 

Hope tried to stop the younger woman and replied in a warning tone, “Kelley, don’t…”

 

Not another word came out of Hope’s mouth as Kelley ran to the sidelines, leaving everyone on the team confused at their teammate’s overreaction. If anything, Kelley was the one who seemed more shaken up than Hope. Within minutes, Hope was being subbed off the field much to Kelley’s relief and everyone’s surprise. Hope shook her head at Kelley as she jogged back onto the field with Ashlyn who was now in goal for Hope.

 

Kelley did her best to concentrate for the rest of the half, but her anxiety seemed to get the best of her. Every chance she got, she would glance over to the sidelines where Hope was being examined by their medical trainers. They were in mid conversation when they seemed to be guiding Hope off the field, only making Kelley worry more.

 

They should’ve called off the game. They knew a storm was coming and that the conditions of the field would be difficult to play in. Kelley had begged Hope to sit this one out, but Hope had shrugged her off, arguing that she wouldn’t be seeing much playing time for the rest of the year. Kelley gave in and Hope had slipped. The younger brunette couldn’t help but blame herself. She should’ve trusted her instincts.

 

Kelley’s blood aggressively pumped through her veins near the end of the game and by the final whistle, she was having trouble breathing. Despite the questions from her teammates who had run up to her to see what was bothering her so much, Kelley headed straight for Jill.

 

“Wh…where…” Kelley was out of breath and at a loss for words.

 

Jill put a hand on the young player’s shoulder, “Kelley, they’re taking her to get checked…just like you asked us to. There’s a staff member waiting for you in a car out back.”

 

“Right, right…thanks, Jill.” Kelley mumbled as she sprinted off.

 

After being dropped off, Kelley headed straight to the hospital room where Hope was being examined. She opened the door to see a few of their staff surrounding Hope, who was laughing and perfectly okay. Kelley sighed in relief. Once they realized her presence in the room, the staff quickly left, leaving the room alone to the couple.

 

“What the hell was that?” Hope shook her head as a chuckle emerged from her lips, taking in the sight of her frazzled wife.

 

“You’re okay.” Kelley murmured the obvious, more for her own self to hear than anyone else.

 

“Yes, I am…just like I told you earlier.”

 

“Th…the baby?” Kelley’s eyes drifted down.

 

“Never better.” Hope smiled.

 

Kelley swallowed back her worry and nodded slowly, still standing stiff in front of the entryway. Hope couldn’t help but smirk and try to lighten up the mood.

 

“You know, by your reaction, you would’ve thought I had been crushed or something. We might as well have told the whole team I was pregnant! Really, you couldn’t have been any more discrete about you know who.” Hope smirked sarcastically as she looked down at her still flat mid-section. She wasn’t showing yet; they had found out only a week ago.

 

Kelley unexpectedly burst into tears.

 

Hope’s expression faded as she stood up and cradled the younger woman into her arms. “Hey, shhh…loosen up, Kell. We’re both okay.”

 

Burying herself into the keeper’s chest, Kelley felt her nerves finally begin to calm down. Though she didn’t know much about the whole parenting thing yet, Kelley knew that she wouldn’t dare let anything happen to Hope now. This was all so new to them. They are the only ones who know, so when Hope slipped on the pitch, Kelley felt like the whole world had begun to crumble around her while everyone simply let it happen. Everything had felt so raw, so overwhelming, in the moment, and there was no one who understood.

 

“Hope, if anything were to happen…”

 

Hope stroked Kelley’s hair in hopes of comforting her and repeated, “We’re okay…we’re okay.”

 

“The worse part was that no one knew, and I thought…I shouldn’t have let you…”

 

“Hey, it was my decision to play today. And you know, I was joking earlier, about the whole team finding out and all…I really don’t mind if…”

 

“No, no…it’s our little secret for now.” Kelley looked up and gave a weak smile.

 

Hope smiled in return and allowed Kelley to let out a couple more sniffles before she sighed and kissed Kelley’s nose, “Thank you, Kell. Thanks for watching out for us.”

 

No one knew about their soon to be little one, so of course no one said anything about it when Hope slipped. But what was important was that Kelley knew, and though that shook her up to her core and caused a bigger reaction than needed, Kelley would rather that happen because she knew now, with their little secret, that her love for Hope could never be shaken.

_//_

_I'm out of touch, I'm out of love_

_I'll pick you up when you're getting down_

_And out of all these things I've done, I think I love you better now_

 


	17. Hurt Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song suggested by somethingreallydeepandmeaningful on tumblr. Prompt suggested by anon.

_**Hurt Me |** **Låpsley** _

* * *

 

_And I'm counting down the seconds that we have_

_I can see the end in sight, at last_

_So if you're gonna hurt me_

_Why don't you hurt me a little bit more?_

_//_

_July 5, 2015_

This isn’t the Olympics; this isn’t the past.

 

They belonged together.

 

In London.

 

Kelley stands on the sideline with a clenched jaw and only memories.

 

_Breathe in._

 

-

 

Because if it were London, she would be part of the starting lineup, playing in front of the best goalkeeper in the world, but more importantly, the woman she had so recklessly fallen for.

 

Not sitting on the bench waiting impatiently to be subbed in during the second half, her eyes failing to keep track of the movement of the ball, but instead drifting to the tall woman in goal who’s expression remains more stoic than ever before.  

 

Because if it were London, she would be challenging Hope to a planking contest during team workouts, doing her absolute best to make the keeper cave and elicit the thunderous laugh that was reserved only for her. 

 

Not watching from afar as Hope unnecessarily places both hands on Julie’s hips, steadying her as she carries a heavy load on her back. Julie’s laugh is heard throughout the gym, making Kelley’s stomach churn with jealousy.

 

Because if it were London, she would be rambling about how people just needed to get to know Hope better- not judge her based on assumptions, boring Alex and Tobin to no end.

 

Not listening to Carli at breakfast as she mumbles her annoyance and frustration as she, too, is feeling neglected by her best friend, who just can’t seem to get enough of the youngest defender on the team. The thing is though, Carli was her best friend and she’d be in the picture no matter what. But both Kelley and Julie were involved now, and Hope would be forced to make a decision. She could only have one of them.

 

Because if it were London, she would make her way to the back of the bus to tell Hope all about the latest, and funniest, YouTube video she had found of surfing wipeouts, not because Hope cared one bit, but because she knew that Hope needed a distraction from her pre-game anxieties.

 

Not settling for the first open seat she sees and immediately placing her headphones on her head, hoping to distract her own self and drown out all noise, thoughts, and regrets.

 

Because if it were London, she would be dragging Hope to the nearest burger joint for late night milkshakes.

 

Not mustering up all her courage to send a text that is simply a request to grab something to eat together- only to be left sitting alone in her room, dumbfounded by a reply that reads, _Sorry, Julie and I just left the hotel…rain check?_

Because if it were London, she would be pulling Hope aside in the hotel lobby after returning from their late night milkshake adventure just to feel Hope’s lips against her own. They were falling in love and no one knew, not even themselves.

 

Not trembling after reading the stupid excuse multiple times before hastily barging into the next room over and locking eyes with her teammate, giving up and letting out a helpless, _I’m losing her, Carli._ They had fallen out of love and everyone knew.

Because if it were London, she’d be burying herself into Hope’s chest, avoiding the morning sun as it rose to wake them up.

 

Not shaking with sobs as Carli held her close, whispering the same old lie to her over and over again, _You’re not losing her, Kell._

Because if it were London, she would believe with her whole heart that she was the _only_ one for Hope.

 

Not coming to terms with the fact that she had merely become an option.

 

Because if it were London, she would be happy and with Hope.

 

Not hurt. Not broken. Not alone.

 

-

_Breathe out._

 

Kelley steps onto the pitch with a forced smile and the heaviest of hearts.

 

In Vancouver.

 

They don’t belong together.

 

This is the World Cup; this is the present.

_//_

_Never thought it would hurt so much_

_Lost your way to another touch_

_And I thought you said you loved me_

 


	18. Need You Now

_**Need You Now | Lady Antebellum** _

* * *

 

_And I wonder if I ever cross your mind?_

_For me it happens all the time._

_//_

**Night One.**

You’re both hurting.

 

You, with your life in Seattle falling apart with each passing day. Her, with her most recent breakup with a girlfriend of three years.

 

Normally the two of you would gravitate to each other during these times. You’d open up to her in ways you’ve never done before. You become vulnerable. It’s usually you doing the most explaining and venting, but this time around, it’s different. She’s the one with the fragile heart. She’s become vulnerable. And you have to respect that.

 

So it was you who pulled her aside and initiated the conversation. You told her that you’ve been thinking about her- that if there was a way to alleviate the pain, you would. You whispered your sweet love to her over and over again. You told her that your love for her is so important that it wouldn’t be fair to take advantage of each other during such a fragile time. She needed to let her heart heal without distraction- without the early morning coffee dates, the middle of the day kisses, the late night embraces.

 

New year, new camp, new you.

 

You’re surprised that you’re making this decision. You know how precious camp is to the both of you. It’s the only time that you have alone together, without your separate lives getting in the way. You never leave her side, yet the minute you pulled her aside, you gripped her hand and looked her straight in the eye as you mumbled, _I think we should take a break._

 

Your own voice echoes through your mind. It hasn’t left you alone all day and now here you are, wide awake in bed. You were the one to make the decision, so why are you so bothered by it now?

 

Maybe it’s because of how easy it was. You realize that what’s hurting you the most, and keeping you from falling asleep despite your exhaustion, is that she just simply agreed. By her reaction, by the way she slowly nodded in return, it was apparent that she, too, wanted to take a break. Something about that is disconcerting to you.

 

You can’t seem to shake this feeling. You can’t seem to get her out of your head. You can’t seem to lay your head down and get some rest for the night. Before you know it, the morning sun is peeking through the blinds and you haven’t slept one bit.

 

_//_

_And I don't know how I can do without._

_I just need you now._

_//_

**Night Two.**

You’re crying.

 

You’ve stained the pillow with so many tears that you’re about to call room service for a new one as well as another box of tissues.

 

You’re crying because you are alone. You’ve never felt like this before. Usually you don’t mind feeling alone; you’re the one who’s always seeking for more independence. But for once in your life, you don’t want to be alone- you never realized the importance of companionship until you met her. And now that the two of you actually made it through the first day of this “break,” you wish that you had never brought it up in the first place.

 

Looking back on the day, you realize how tormenting it was. You felt your heart become heavy when she gave you half a smile before proceeding to walk past your table at breakfast. You couldn’t bear to hear her laugh and crack jokes with Moe and the newbies, even though you knew that she was just doing her best to move on. And it almost killed you earlier tonight when she brushed past you and into Ashlyn and Tobin’s room next door.  

 

You hate yourself for feeling so wounded when this whole thing was your idea. But again, what you hate even more, is how easy this seems for her. She’s going about the day with no weight on her shoulders or pain in her eyes. You don’t know how she does it because right now, you’re a complete mess, a puddle overflowing with tears.

 

You miss her too damn much.

 

_//_

_It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk and I need you now._

_Said I wouldn't call but I've lost all control and I need you now._

_//_

**Night Three.**

You vow to yourself that you won’t have a repeat of the night before. You simply don’t feel like crying tonight, or rather, you’re pretty sure there aren’t any tears left in you to escape. So before heading back to your room for the night, you run over to the gas station a couple doors down from the hotel. You buy whiskey. Not because you like whiskey, but because it’s her favorite drink and for some strange reason, that feels even more comforting.

 

As soon as you’re alone in your room again, you pop open a bottle and within the hour, you’ve downed the whole thing. You know you’ll pay for it in the morning, but right now, you’re not crying- in fact, you’re feeling quite cheerful- and that’s all that matters. You surf the television channels and manage to let out a couple laughs at some ridiculous rom-com that you know sober you would absolute loathe.

 

You eventually get bored and turn off the tv, which is a huge mistake because now you’re alone with your thoughts again. You feel yourself coming off your high and you quickly open bottle number two, but it’s too late. You’re depressed again and all you can think about is the freckled face woman at the end of the hallway.

 

You toy with the idea of barging over, but you challenge yourself to stay strong. That’s not your style; you’re better than that. But the alcohol speaks for you and though you don’t leave your room, you suddenly find a phone in your hand. You don’t remember how it got there exactly. You’re a little drunk.

 

Or a whole lot of drunk.

 

You go to your favorites and click on the picture of your freckle faced teammate. With each ring you lose patience. You’re actually starting to get angry, but when her voicemail kicks in and you hear her voice, your lip begins to tremble and your eyes brim with tears.

 

_*beep*_

You take a deep breath, but end up choking on your free falling tears. Your thoughts pour out in slurs. 

 

_“K…Kelley? Hey, uh…it’s me. I just…I’ve been thinking about everything...and uh…”_

You completely lose your train of thought and you curse the one too many gulps of whiskey.

 

_“God, I miss you.”_

You know you weren’t supposed to say that. You shouldn’t have even called. Your drunk ass thinks you can fix it.

 

 _“I know I shouldn’t be calling, but I miss you_.”

 

You literally just said that- and that mistake wasn’t because of the excess alcohol in your system.

 

_“Kell, I want…I don’t really…I miss you so much. Can we talk? Can you just call me back when you get the chance- I mean, as soon as possible? Miss you so much, I really do.”_

 

You slam the phone back onto the table, ending the call. You’re pretty sure that last sentence wasn’t even a real one, but that’s okay because within minutes, you’ve already forgotten everything you said. But you do remember who you called- and how much you miss her.

 

You climb into bed; you figure that you should probably get some sleep or else Jill will give you hell the next morning. You find yourself lying in bed alone again, just like the other night. You begin to think that you’re the only one suffering from the weight of your decision.

 

You couldn’t be more wrong.

 

What you don’t know is that six doors down, a young brunette is doing her absolute best in refraining from picking up her phone that just buzzed moments ago. She fails (she was never one to be known for her self-control) and as soon as she listens to the voicemail, the ache in your voice is enough to force herself out of bed and sneak out into the hallway.

 

You hear a knock out the door. Though you had just gotten comfortable on the sheets, you think, _Good, you weren’t going to get sleep anyways._ You open the door.

 

Kelley looks up at you and by the concern on her face, you know that she’s taking you in. She notices the bags under your eyes, the tears beginning to form, and the messy bun leaving strands of hair flowing in front of your face. Her eyes drift to the two empty bottles in the trashcan by your feet. She shakes her head, both in disappointment as well as remorse.

 

“Oh, Hope…”

 

The way she says your name feels like fire and ice coming together.

 

It burns. It bites. It stings. It soothes.

 

The amount of alcohol running through your veins should prevent you from saying anything coherent at the moment, but fastening your eyes on to the depths of hazel brown in front of you is all you need for the world to make sense again. You bite your lip because you feel another wave of tears coming.

 

“Is it…is it this hard for you?”

 

She looks down. You anxiously await her answer.

 

Kelley looks back up at you and for the first time since pulling her aside, you see pain gloss over her eyes. Not the pain coming from her recently broken heart, but the pain coming from you thinking that distance would help mend heartache.

 

“Of course, Hope…of course it is.”

 

“I miss you.” That’s all you’re confident in saying lately.

 

She sighs, “What are we doing?”

 

“I know…I know we shouldn’t be here, we shouldn’t be talking…” You find yourself slurring over your words again, but you continue, “I…I miss you… _fuck,_ what am I doing?”

 

“You’re drunk.” She points out quietly.

 

You realize how unfair you’re being to her once again. You look away, ashamed that you allowed yourself to get this far (well, it’s only the third night, but it might as well have felt like eternity).

 

“I’m sorry.” You murmur and begin to shut the door.

 

But there’s resistance. There’s her hand- stopping the door, stopping you.

 

“Wait…I miss you too.” Her voice wavers, but her feet are persistent. One step more and she’s inside your room, closing the door behind her.

 

You’re alone and together all at once.

 

She places her hands on your hips and just stares straight up at you. You feel your breath hitch at her touch and you swear that the two of you are never taking another break in your life.

 

“Please don’t leave me.”

 

The fear in your voice shakes you to the core.

 

“I won’t.”

 

There’s fear in her voice too. Yet, it calms you. You’re not alone anymore.

 

You know you’ll probably regret this the following morning; you may not even remember any of it. But for now, you’re both hurting again.

 

And that’s enough to carry you through the night. 

 

_//_

_Guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all._

 


	19. Move Together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for not updating in awhile...if you've suggested songs/one shot ideas to me before, I promise I haven't forgotten them. I will get to those prompts eventually, but right now, here's a little something I thought of while listening to James Bay the other day. :)

_**Move Together | James Bay** _

* * *

 

_But we didn't get tonight, we don't have tomorrow_

_So don't ruin now_

_//_

“Jerramy…it’s way past midnight.” Hope sighed as she sat on the floor of the hotel hallway, just outside her room. “I know…I know. Just get some sleep, okay? I’ll see you tomorrow. Yeah, that’s fine…I’ll text you when I land.”

 

Hope finally hung up, her brows drawn together as she noticed the length of her phone call. Two hours. She didn’t want the phone call to last this long, and she wasn’t quite sure how it did. When her phone rang, Kelley’s eyes darted to her own, pleading that she wouldn’t pick it up. Hope had paused, looked apologetically at the girl lying next to her, and removed herself from the room. Jerramy had been struggling with a few things lately and Hope made the effort to talk through things with him. He didn’t have anyone else- and she was his wife after all.

 

Yet, Hope’s heart rendered heavy as she stood outside of her room, preparing to go back in. She shouldn’t have felt guilty for talking to her husband; she should really have felt guilty for having an affair with the brunette just on the opposite side of the door. But that’s not how things worked. She blamed her heart for belonging to Kelley this whole time.

 

Tension was already high between the two of them as it was the end of another camp, and she knew that Kelley would be hurt by her putting Jerramy first. When this all started and they began their affair, Hope made Kelley promise that she wouldn’t force her to choose. Leaving Jerramy was out of the question, and of course this seemed wildly unfair, but Kelley would’ve done anything to have just a little bit of Hope. Even though the circumstances weren’t in their favor, at least they could be _together_.

 

Still, Hope felt terrible for doing this to the woman she loved over and over again, and it wasn’t a secret that this was all starting to take a toll on Kelley. This hurt her more than anyone could imagine, and Hope couldn’t help but feel the repercussions as well. Finally turning the doorknob and pushing the door open, Hope braced herself for an argument. Instead, she was met with darkness and silence. Kelley had fallen asleep.

 

Remorse tugged at her heart as she watched Kelley’s back rise and fall with each shallow breath. They were supposed to spend the night in alone; just the two of them- watching whatever was on television, eating an entire pizza they had delivered, joking, laughing, cuddling, _loving_. But Hope just had to spend the last two hours answering a phone call that in retrospect, maybe could’ve been ignored.

 

Hope walked past the first bed- the one still perfectly made since the beginning of camp (they really just needed one bed)- and crawled into the second bed as quietly as possible. Normally she wouldn’t hesitate to wrap her arms around the body next to her, but Hope felt the need to pause and think. She contemplated on whether or not she should wake Kelley up. Hope knew she should let Kelley sleep as she would be up in just a couple hours due to an early flight back to Jersey. Hope also knew that her wasting the night talking to Jerramy was probably weighing the younger woman down and Kelley was one to avoid arguing as often as possible.

 

However, if she didn’t wake Kelley now, Hope knew it would be another long stretch before they’d get time alone like this. They would have to wait until the next camp a couple months down the road, and Hope wasn’t looking forward to being apart. She continue to lay on her back, staring up at the ceiling as if it could read her mind and tell her what to do. Hope hated how time flew by so fast.

 

Just another camp, over too soon.

 

_//_

_So maybe don't give me cold, cold shoulder_

_Before you go, turn around, let me hold you_

_//_

Kelley’s eyes flew wide open as she felt Hope crawl into bed beside her. She held her breath for as long as she could, scared to move and give Hope even the slightest hint that she was awake. By the silence and stiffness of her body beside her, Kelley knew Hope was thinking too hard.

 

Kelley hated this part of their relationship the most.

 

The never ending goodbyes.

 

At every camp they were at together, the beginning of course was the easiest. They would quickly get reacquainted with each other and sometimes they were so caught up in the bliss that they would forget the unfortunate circumstances that surrounded their relationship. By the time the end of a camp rolled around, they would pay one of their roommates to let them have the room to themselves for the last night (their teammates slowly caught on and actually looked forward to this since they’d be making some extra cash). At this particular camp though, they lucked out as roommates and were able to spend even more time alone. Kelley assumed that being together each night would maybe make their goodbye a little less painful this time around, but it wasn’t easier at all. In fact, it got even worse when Hope left her to speak with Jerramy.

 

Kelley let out a heavy sigh and by the way Hope shifted beside, she could tell that the goalkeeper new she was wide awake. Kelley tucked her body further into herself, trying to inch away from Hope as much as possible. She hated how heartbroken she felt and how she was once again reminded that no matter what she did, no matter how many times she professed her love to Hope, she would never be the only option. Hope had warned her about that, but it still hurt- and it hurt even more that Hope would waste the little time they had together on a stupid phone call.

 

Kelley froze as she felt a familiar arm drape over her side and caress her shoulder. She quietly shuddered.

 

Her voice trembled, “Hope…don’t.”

 

_//_

 

_How we gonna move together? Just come closer_

_If we don't move together, just come closer_

_How we gonna breathe? How we gonna be together?_

 

// 

 

Hope winced at the pain evident in Kelley’s voice. She knew her touch wasn’t helping the situation and it probably killed Kelley knowing that this was just another goodbye. For the sake of Kelley’s well-being, she wanted to remove her hand. But she didn’t. Hope, being especially selfish this night, defied Kelley’s plea and only pulled her in even closer. Hope felt her tense beneath her, as if she were about to fight the keeper’s strong grip, but she soon relaxed.

 

Hope let out a sigh of relief. Though Kelley was upset, Hope knew that she had finally succumbed to her simply because it was already hard leaving each other and Hope would be damned if they left another camp worse off than before.

 

Hope buried herself into the waves of Kelley’s honey colored hair, gently kissing the side of her head. She just wanted to bask in the perfection of the moment, the perfection of the only place where they always felt safe and where they’d always be okay.

 

But then Kelley shifted.

 

And Hope impulsively tightened her grip, scared that Kelley might be trying to release herself from her embrace. But that wasn’t Kelley’s intention. Hope felt her breathing steady again as she realized that Kelley had shifted to turn into her. Kelley knew it too. She knew that they couldn’t dare ruin the sanctuary of them tangled together in bed.  

 

If they could, they would stay like this forever.

 

_//_

_Just keeping the peace between the sheets_


	20. Finley's Lullaby

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song/prompt suggested by anon.

_**Finley’s Lullaby | Bryan Lanning** _

* * *

 

_Time is but alone_

_In this hospital room_

_Where I see you for the_

_Very first time_

_//_

You’ve never seen Kelley like this before.

 

So fragile. So exhausted. So quiet.

 

She hasn’t spoken a word to you all morning. Instead, she just moves in her restricted space, tossing and turning every ten minutes. She’s been a trooper, really. She had been admitted for almost a full 24 hours now, but unfortunately was making very little progress. You watch her and feel helpless. You would do anything to relieve the pain if you could. No matter how many times you’ve approached a nurse to administer just a little bit more medication this morning, they stand by doctor’s orders and firmly explain to you over and over again that some births are just naturally slow.

 

Excruciatingly slow.

 

As time passes, your nerves are starting to get to you and they manifest in you pacing about the room. You’ve never been one to keep still; neither has been Kelley. You can’t even begin to imagine what it feels like to be confined to a bed in a room that’s been painted an awful yellow color. Your eyes drift to the other unbearable decor in the room- the wilting plant near the door, the dusty small TV screen in the upper right hand corner, and the dingy blue and pink printed wrap around screen meant for keeping privacy. You’ve made note of these items a thousand times since you’ve been here and decided it’s time you stop dwelling on the aesthetic of the room and focus on the only other person in the room.

 

You sit down in the chair bedside and take in the fatigued woman in front of you. Her eyes are closed, but with the corners of her mouth tugging downwards into a frown, you know she’s not able to sleep because of the overwhelming discomfort she was currently in. You gently tuck a couple stranded pieces of hair behind her ear, not that it helps much since her hair had already fallen out of its messy bun. You take hold of her hand and squeeze it tightly, letting her know that she’s not alone.

 

With your hand still gripping hers, you think back on the last nine months. You think back on the day you woke up to an uncharacteristic shriek coming from your bathroom followed by a “ _Oh my- holy fucking shit…Hope!”_ You had never gotten out of bed so quickly in your life. Eventually coming to a stop at the entryway of the bathroom, you had squinted at the bright light, just making out Kelley’s small figure before you and the small pink stick in her hands. You had asked what was wrong and she just broke into the biggest grin, suddenly chucking the small object at you. With one eye open, you managed to catch the thing that would change your life forever- and you silently thanked all those years of goalkeeping training.

 

You then remember the bouts of morning sickness and the abnormal food cravings (some of the weirdest ones being chocolate chip fish tacos). Both were equally disgusting, but the grin on Kelley’s face never seemed to have faded. The entirety of her pregnancy turned out to be quite easy and you had wished that the delivery process would be in the same ball park. Now, slouched in an incredibly uncomfortable chair, you think back on just the previous night in which Kelley had been in so much pain that her knuckles had turned white from gripping the bed rails so tight. That was the last time the nurses increased the dosage of medication, after you had yelled and hounded them for it. You quickly learned that sometimes you just can’t have it all.

 

A loud groan comes out of Kelley’s mouth and you jump in your chair. Your senses are heightened and your eyes quickly search her body for any abnormal signs. You don’t see any, but your concern is still there. You don’t want to ask if she’s alright; that’s the stupidest question that could come out of your mouth right now.

 

“Kelley, shhh….it’ll be okay. You’re almost there.” You do your best to comfort her.

 

Her eyes still closed, Kelley just groans again and rolls over and cries into her pillow, which fails horribly at muffling her sounds of pain. She eventually looks up at you, her eyes pleading for you to relieve her from her agony.

 

“Oh, Kell…” You murmur before reaching for a bottle nearby, “Here, have some water.”

 

She weakly takes a few sips before wincing as she endured another contraction. Her eyes well up with tears and she whimpers, “It…it hurts _so_ bad.”

 

You attempt to swallow your fear, but somehow it manages to creep back up your throat. You stutter, “I…I’m sorry, babe…”

 

She just leans her head back and closes her eyes again. You find yourself going into a state of panic and you know it won’t do Kelley any good if you fall apart in front of her, so you excuse yourself and let her know you’re just stepping outside for a moment. You make your way to the waiting room where a group of your closest family and friends stand up, anxiously awaiting your arrival. You just shake your head no, reassure everyone that both mommy and baby is alright, but that the process itself was just taking longer than expected. You scan the worried looks on everyone’s faces and as much as you’d like to sit with them, you need fresh air. You need to breathe.

 

You find yourself pacing back and forth just outside the front doors of the hospital until you feel a hand on your shoulder, and you quickly whip around, panic scribbled all over your face.

 

“Calm down, Hope, she’s not in labor or anything…”

 

“Ali, you startled me.” You bring a hand up to your chest in effect. You look at your teammate suspiciously, having half-expected Carli to be the one chasing after her.

 

“I’m sorry…I didn’t mean to, I just wanted to come out and see how you were doing.” The defender looks at you from head to toe and then mutters, “Well, you certainly aren’t taking this well.”

 

“It’s that obvious, huh?” You sigh and sit down on the nearest bench, putting your head in your hands.

 

Ali sits down beside you and mumbles, “You have to be patient.”

 

“I know, I know…” Your voice wavers with uncertainty.

 

“Remember what you always tell us on the field? To not force anything and let the ball come to you so you have enough time to read the play and make the right decision…to be patient.”

 

You look at your teammate beside you and half-smile in return. Besides the interactions as a result from Ashlyn and Ali’s relationship, you and Ali had never been super close. However, she always knew what to say at the right time. You valued and trusted her not just as another person part of your backline, but as a friend too. You would consider her a friend.

 

You sigh and open up to her, “I’m scared, Ali.”

 

“Rightfully so…” She acknowledges your feeling.

 

“Just watching Kell throb with absolute pain is enough to send anyone over the edge. I…I don’t know how much more of this I can take. I know it’s selfish of me to think this way, but I really don’t know if I can do this. I can’t help her right now and it’s killing me. And when I’m not engulfed in her pain with her, my mind begins to drift and think about things that terrify the hell out of me. We’re finally here, Ali. We…Kell and I are never going to be the same after this, and I don’t know how to feel about that. We’re going to be responsible for another life soon and I’m scared that I’m not ready…I just don’t think--”

 

“Hey, knock it off.” Ali interrupts, “Slow down…one thing at a time, okay? Kelley’s hurting right now and yes, that’s not ideal, but it comes with the process- and you should be grateful that for once, she’s not hurting because of you.”

 

You look down at your feet and take a deep breath.

 

Ali scolds, “Second, you can’t let this become bigger than it already is. Focus on the situation at hand. Don’t let yourself make up problems, especially ones that are completely ludicrous. You are ready for this, Hope. I know you are.”

 

“You do?”

 

“We all believe in you…you and Kelley have been through so much together, and we know that you’re not stupid to give any of this up now.”

 

“But what if I’m not enough?”

 

“That’s a silly question, Hope. You are enough.” Ali assures you. You sit silently in reflection until Ali shares, “You know, Ash was in your same position not too long ago either.”

 

“What? Ash?” You ask in disbelief. “Ashlyn, perhaps the greatest mother on this planet, had second thoughts?”

 

“Look, I wouldn’t call this ‘second thoughts.’ You’re just freaking out, Hope, and you have every right to. When I was admitted to have our little one just over a year ago, Ashlyn was a mess. She doesn’t like a lot of people knowing this, so don’t tell her, but she freaking out to the point where doctors had to ask her to leave the room.”

 

“You’re kidding.”

 

“Nope, not at all…it took a lot of convincing on my part to make the doctors let her back in time for our child’s birth. Can you believe that? She almost missed it!” Ali let out a soft laugh, “Looking back on it now, it’s pretty comical, but in the moment, I was livid.”

 

You come to a quick realization and you breathe, “I…I need to get back to Kelley.”

 

Ali nods and gives you a comforting side hug, “Yes, you do. Everything’s going to be just fine. You’re almost there. One last push.”

 

You smile in gratitude at your teammate before sprinting back into the hospital until you’re by Kelley’s side once again. Though she’s in and out of it, you make sure Kelley knows you’re never leaving your side and that you can’t wait to meet the newest addition to the family. Twelve more hours of waiting around and then another two of the actual delivering process, and before you know it, you finally hear a new sound.

 

Your baby boy’s cries.

 

His cries fill the room and your eyes never leave the small bundle being passed from person to person around the room. His cries dwindle down into whimpers and after he’s finally cleaned up, a nurse places him in your arms. You look down and your heart is beating out of its chest, and you know that it’s not just your heart anymore. You lean in, kiss your baby boy’s forehead, and realize that just now you’ve reached the happiest moment of your life.

 

Your eyes glance over to Kelley, whose exhaustion has turned into adrenaline and complete awe as she looks on. You shake your head in disbelief and she shrugs back nonchalantly as if she were to say something along the lines of “ _Can you believe this? You and I? With a baby?”_

You chuckle softly at the smile returning to the freckled woman’s face and you gently lower your son into his mother’s arms. You can’t help but murmur, “He’s perfect, Kell.”

 

You take one step back and the sight before you makes you melt. Never in a thousand years would you think of letting them, your new family, go. You, the angry goalkeeper on the most badass women’s soccer team in the world, is suddenly reduced to all smiles and warm fuzzing feelings. Kelley and that little bundle in her arms belong to you, and only you.

 

You didn’t think it was possible, but you’ve fallen in love all over again.

 

_//_

_Though you'll never see me go_

_I hope you'll always know_

_You're mine_

 


	21. Like I'm Gonna Lose You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song/prompt suggested by anon.

_**Like I'm Gonna Lose You | Meghan Trainor** _

* * *

 

_So I'll kiss you longer baby_

_Any chance that I get_

_I'll make the most of the minutes and love with no regrets_

_//_

“You ready?”

 

Hope softly whispers as she tenderly pulls Kelley closer to her, no more than a breath apart. Kelley presses the side of her face against the warmth of Hope’s body and slowly nods. Hope’s hands drift towards Kelley’s core until they find their place, resting on the younger woman’s hips. Hope lifts Kelley’s chin and places a kiss meant just for the corner of her mouth, but somehow finds her lips wandering with a force so heavy. They are both left in a daze as a soft rhythm begins to fill the room.

 

Kelley only hears the music itself- the raw, sensational beat that gets her body swaying back and forth. No lyrics attached. Truthfully, she doesn’t remember the hours they spent with the whole song choosing process. They had taken suggestions from friends, who told them they shouldn’t take the decision so lightly. Kelley really could’ve cared less as to which song was chosen in the end. She only cared about having a moment alone with Hope, the two of them contrasted against organized chaos that is their wedding day.

 

Kelley feels Hope lower her head against her own. A soft chuckle rings through her ears and Kelley can’t help but smile herself. That was Hope’s way of telling Kelley that she was going to twirl her, something Hope was especially terrible at. As Kelley spins away, she feels her surroundings coming together into a blur- the lights, the white fabric, the people. She absentmindedly blocks out the music and does the same to those around her.

 

This moment belongs to them, and only them.

 

Even after standing at the altar and saying their vows to each, Kelley still doesn’t believe it. They’re committed to each other for the rest of their lives. Kelley thinks back to the long road behind them- the doubt, the tears, the sacrifices, the good, the bad, the everything in between.

 

They had always been:

 

_Hope and Kelley._

 

The raging waters of a deep blue, stormy sea calmed by a flicker of hazel; two strangers enchanted. 

 

_Hope and Kelley._

A goalkeeper and defender (and forward and midfielder) of the United States Women’s National Tea; two teammates who connected not just on the field, but off it too. 

 

_Hope and Kelley._

A serious, detached individual strangely intrigued by the antics of the team’s goofball; two very unlikely friends learning to tread water together.

 

_Hope and Kelley._

 

An anxiety ridden woman who doesn’t know much about what it means to be in love and an adventurous girl who simply can’t ignore the butterflies in her stomach anymore; two people straddling the line between “just friends” and “something more”

 

_Hope and Kelley._

 

A Romeo and Juliet; the team’s very own pair of secret, star crossed lovers.

 

_Hope and Kelley._

A haunted soul so terrified of commitment and one completely brokenhearted girl; two ex-lovers.

 

_Hope and Kelley._

A goodbye and a hello; a never ending conversation.

 

_Hope and Kelley._

 

A tortured life begging for forgiveness and another so uncharacteristically reluctant to open up again; the births of two new people- a second chance together.  

 

_Hope and Kelley._

 

A problem and a favorite coming together to become two problematic favorites who can’t help but bring the best out in each other; two halves better as a whole.

 

_Hope and Kelley._

A scarred image and an image tainted; a couple proving to the world that they belong together and deserve that happy ending once so far out of their reach.

 

_Hope and Kelley._

 

A bride dancing with the woman that was never part of her dreams, but whom she loved with every ounce of her being; sadly, the couple that even today, on their wedding day, others still don’t believe in and lack the faith that the newlyweds will make it through the years to come.

 

Hope leans her head against Kelley before tightening her grip only to let her go, gently dipping her for dramatic effect. Kelley feels herself coming up for fresh air. She likens the feeling to a baptism- out with the old, in with the new. Any doubts surrounding them suddenly erased. No longer are they the old Hope and Kelley; the two problematic favorites that no one believe in but themselves. Now they just are.

 

_Hope and Kelley._

 

Here, in this moment, they both know that every minute of the rest of their lives will be spent loving each other with no regrets- loving each other like their love could be stripped away from each other in the blink of an eye- something that was unfortunately all too familiar.

 

Kelley sees this; she _finally_ understands. Her blurred surroundings become crystal clear, and she suddenly realizes why the song playing softly in the background was so fitting for their first dance.

 

And so a young singer’s voice crescendos louder and louder, her voice echoing far beyond the dance floor…

_//_

_So I'm gonna love you_

_Like I'm gonna lose you_

_I'm gonna hold you_

_Like I'm saying goodbye_


	22. 9 Crimes

_**9 Crimes | Damien Rice** _

* * *

 

 

_Leave me out with the waste_

_This is not what I do_

_It's the wrong kind of place_

_To be thinking of you_

_It's the wrong time_

_For somebody new_

_It's a small crime_

_And I've got no excuse_

_//_

The moment she took her seat, Kelley felt sick to her stomach. Her knees began to shake and her palms started to sweat, her body triggering every last flight or fight mechanism available to keep herself from breaking down. The energy focused solely on willing herself not to cry was quickly running out.

 

The team seemed to be in good spirits as they had just defeated Germany in an astounding 3-0 win. Set pieces had gone without flaw and connections had been made; everyone had played particularly well.

 

But in the moment, Kelley wasn’t concerned about her play on the field. She was concerned with her time on the bench. She was only called to the field as a substitute in the last ten minutes, so she had spent most of the time watching and observing the game. Another wave of nausea hit Kelley as she recollected her thoughts while sitting on the bench. For the whole time, she had her eye on a number of players- not because she was observing their technique, but because her _heart_ simply wanted to. This was something that was incredibly unusual for her, especially since she was in a relationship and that meant she was supposed to reserve her thoughts and feelings for one special person…right?

 

They had been happy. In fact, they were considered the prize couple on the team- not Ashlyn and Ali (they were old news), but Kelley and Hope. Everyone loved hearing their story- the connecting, the tip toeing, the pining, the heart breaking, the forgiving, the loving. If anyone deserved to be together, it was them.

 

This is why Kelley felt so sick. She was throwing away everything they had worked towards becoming, even if lately, that everything had become shy of nothing. Kelley couldn’t pinpoint the problem or exact moment that things had gone from really great to good to just okay; it had been a gradual decline. Not many people noticed how their affection for one another was slowly changing. How Kelley’s laughs were barely audible. How Hope’s gaze never lasted long. How they stopped holding hands. How the connection was breaking. All of these changes seemed so little, but _this_ \- this was a big thing.

 

The thought of possibly _cheating_ on Hope weighed heavy on Kelley’s fragile heart. This was going against everything she believed in and stood for. Open communication, respect, honesty- all meant nothing to her anymore. Though she hated herself, she hated something else even more.

 

It wasn’t about during the game; it was about after the game.

 

It wasn’t about what happened; It was about what _didn’t_ happen.

 

-

 

At the back of the bus, Hope laughed with Carli as she reflected on a foul that had been called on her during the game. She was really happy with the result of the game and had thought a grin would remain on her face for the rest of the night until she noticed that Ashlyn, a couple rows down, kept turning her head to look back at her. Looks of concern and confusion filled Ashlyn’s face, and Hope noticed how she also kept looking to the seats beside her. Kelley’s row.

 

Hope chose to ignore Ashlyn’s slightly alarming expressions. She had almost completely forgot about them until they arrived at their hotel and everyone began to file out of the bus. As she gathered her belongings, Hope couldn’t help but notice how most of her teammates in front of her kept looking back as they exited. Hope glanced towards the middle part of the bus, just barely making out Kelley’s bun, which peeked above the head rest. Kelley wasn’t moving; something wasn’t right.  

 

Hope waited for the entire team to exit before she anxiously made her way down the aisle. Stopping halfway, she looked tentatively at the brunette still sitting in her seat, staring at the window. When Kelley’s face turned to greet her, Hope’s heart sunk. It was obvious that Kelley had been crying.

 

“Hey, babe…what’s wrong?” Hope dropped her belongings and sat down in the seat next to Kelley, immediately reaching for her hand. Kelley took one look at Hope’s eyes filled with worry before another round of tears surfaced. Hope wrapped the smaller woman’s trembling body in her arms, trying to comfort her as best as she could with what little information she had. Was Kelley upset about not getting much playing time? Was her ankle bothering her again? Was she just having an off day? Hope’s mind filled with endless possibilities.

 

They sat together for a couple minutes until Kelley regained composure. Hope softly pressed a kiss into her honey colored hair and whispered, “Kell, tell me what’s wrong.”

 

Kelley looked down, a strand of hair falling effortlessly into her face. She took a deep breath before looking back up and murmuring, “We didn’t find each other after the game today.”

 

Hope half-frowned, “Is that all? I’m sorry I didn’t wait…I couldn’t find you in the locker room and thought you had already gotten onto the bus.”

 

“No, I mean after the final whistle…we didn’t find each other. We _always_ find each other. But today we didn’t. For some reason, we just didn’t.” Kelley stressed.

 

“Oh.” Hope softly let out, removing her hand from its place atop Kelley’s. She looked down and fiddled with the water bottle in her lap. This might’ve seemed trivial to anyone else, but Hope knew how much their little post game embrace meant to Kelley- how much it meant to herself.

 

Noticing that Hope had fallen silent, Kelley took hold of the conversation. She began, “This…” She then paused before gathering all her thoughts together one last time. She gesture between the two of them, “This is not what it used to be…we aren’t _us_ anymore.”

 

“Don’t say that.” Hope weakly attempted to salvage any positive aspect left in their impending conversation. She hated to admit it, but she knew perfectly well where this was going.

 

Kelley shook her head and looked towards the ceiling of the bus, willing herself not to cry, even though she knew that wasn’t possible. “You know, I spent the majority of the game watching that one German forward- the one with the gorgeous brown hair and calves worth dying for.” Hope flinched, her jaw clenching as Kelley continued to speak. “Hope, I was having thoughts I’m so incredibly ashamed of...”

 

“It’s okay, Kelley.” Hope stated, her voice filling with annoyance, but more so the lack of surprise.

 

“No, it’s not okay!” Kelley’s voice escalated as she stared at Hope incredulously. “This isn’t who I am…I don’t do things like this! I don’t fawn over other women when I’m in a relationship. No one in the right mind does. God…I just…I never thought about anyone else besides you because I loved you, Hope. I loved you.”

 

Hope winced at her use of the past tense. As Kelley’s words faded into thin air, so did her proclamation. She replied in a guarded tone, “You don’t love me anymore?”

 

Kelley shrugged helplessly, obviously conflicted. “I just…I don’t know. Do you love me?”

 

“No, don’t do that.” Hope felt herself get defensive, “Don’t throw my own question back at me when you’re the one bringing all of this up in the first place.”

 

“See? You won’t even…”

 

“I never said that!” Hope interrupted Kelley’s accusation.

 

“Don’t you get it?!” Kelley exclaimed, her eyes filling with misery. “That German player…I wanted her tonight. Hell, I even spent most of my time post game talking with her. Her freaking phone number is the newest contact in my phone! I wanted her, Hope. Not you. _Her_.”

 

“I know.” Hope whispered.

 

“I spent the whole time watching-”

 

“I know! Okay? I know. I noticed.” Hope repeated, not being able to tell if the frustration was coming from the fact that Kelley was interested in someone else or from the fact that their relationship wasn’t salvageable anymore, and how that was partly her own fault.

 

Kelley looked out the window, furiously wiping away the tears that were forming and coming to terms with the fact that they had reached the end of the road. The decline they had spent so long navigating and walking down had finally ended at rock bottom. The words tasted bitter on her mouth, “You noticed and you didn’t say anything to me. You knew I was seeking out that player tonight and you still didn’t come find me after the game.”

 

Hope fired back, “What’s with all these accusations?”

 

Kelley buried her head in her hands and groaned in defeat. “I’m sorry…I feel awful about what happened tonight, but I feel even worse about letting us go. We stopped fighting and that’s all there is to it. I’m not trying to blame you, Hope…this is my fault too. So I guess what I’m trying to ask you is if it’s alright…”

 

“What?” Hope glanced up at Kelley.

 

“Can this just be a mutual decision between the two of us? Is this alright?” Kelley repeated.  

 

Hope sighed and placed her hand on top of Kelley’s, trying to savor one last touch. She shook her head, “No…of course not, I’m not going to be okay. I’m not just ‘alright’ but you’re not wrong…this, the end of _this_ , it’s inevitable.”

 

“Hope...tell me, tell me how I was supposed to save our relationship when you weren’t putting any effort in yourself?” Kelley asked in reason.

 

“I can’t.” Hope replied helplessly.

 

Kelley leaned her head on Hope’s shoulder, the final bout of tears soaking the keeper’s shirt.

 

“And just for the record, I’m not alright either.”

_//_

_Is that alright?_

_I give my gun away when it's loaded_

_Is that alright?_

_If you don't shoot it, how am I supposed to hold it?_

 


	23. Medicine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song suggested by anon on tumblr.

_**Medicine | Daughter** _

* * *

 

_Pick it up, pick it all up._

_And start again._

_You've got a second chance,_

_you could go home._

_Escape it all._

_It's just irrelevant._

_//_

“Where is she?”

 

Kelley felt her heart beat faster and fast with each passing second. She had come to a halt, her eyes scanning the length of the field. Some of the team were on the sidelines still putting gear on while others were gathering balls and equipment for the beginning of warmups, but all in the same, everyone stopped what they were doing and looked at the anxious brunette waiting for an answer. No one said a word.

 

“Guys, come on. Don’t play this game with me. Tell me where she is.” Kelley’s voice wavered with impatience.

 

Most people resumed what they were doing, not knowing the answer and also afraid to look at Kelley any longer. A few turned their heads towards a certain midfielder, their captain. Carli looked around, giving everyone the go ahead to begin warmups while she crossed the field to where Kelley stood.

 

Carli pleaded softly, “Kelley, why don’t we just get through practice first?”

 

“No, don’t try to convince me otherwise. I want to see her.”

 

Carli sighed, “She said she wanted to be alone.”

 

“That’s what she always say.”

 

“Yeah, but maybe this time we should respect that.”

 

“No,” Kelley stood her ground, something she learned to do well when it came to the stubborn goalkeeper. “I’m not going to leave you alone until you tell me.”

 

Carli reasoned, “Kell, you really don’t want to see her like this.”

 

“You know I’ve seen her at her worse.”

 

“I know, but this time is different. She-”

 

“Yeah, you’re right. I don’t want to see her like this, but that’s not going to stop me from actually seeing her. So where the fuck is she?” Kelley interrupted, her voice raising in both volume and frustration.

 

Carli glanced towards the tunnel and finally gave in, mumbling quietly, “The locker room.”

 

Kelley sprinted through the tunnel, but no matter how fast she ran, she couldn’t run from her thoughts. Hope wasn’t okay. She was the farthest thing from okay. She just knew it. She could just _feel_ it. That morning, Kelley had woken up to numerous emails from the staff and social media notifications. Hope had gotten herself into trouble again, or that’s what the media seemed to be portraying. Something about an altercation while out late at night. Kelley knew that Jerramy had come along for this training camp and she was almost certain that he had something to do with the sudden coverage of Hope’s personal life. But of course, Hope received the short end of things and took the fall. She always did.  

 

Kelley finally reached the entrance to the locker room and without thinking twice, she burst into the room like it was some grand gesture of rescuing.

 

A voice trembled from the corner, “Carli, I said I’d be out in a couple minutes. I’m fine, I just needed some time to-”

 

_“Hope.”_

 

Kelley said her name, not in a way to receive any special reaction, but in a way that was soft and gentle, in a way that allowed Hope to know that she was there- that she’d always be there. Hope lifted her head at the sound of the young woman’s voice and when their eyes met, the whole world around them faded. Everything faded except for the two of them alone with Hope’s deafening thoughts and insecurities. Dark circles under her eyes and her hair messily flowing around her shoulder, Hope remained seated in the corner, bringing her knees to her chest and curling herself further and further away from her surroundings. Kelley swallowed back her nerves and ignored the tugging of her heartstrings. She wandered over and took her place next to her. Just like she always did. Just like she always knew how.

 

“Don’t let them in, Hope.” Kelley spoke into thin air and repeated, “Don’t let your demons in.”

 

Only an inch apart, the two sat on the floor together with their backs pressed against the lockers. They rendered silent and remained that way, so long so that the lights automatically flickered off due to no motion in the room. Now the two sat silent and alone in the dark.

 

Ironically, in the dark, Hope felt safe. She could be at her most vulnerable and no one would see, no one would know. Usually it was just her and her demons. Sure, maybe it wasn’t a good thing to be constantly surrounded by all the pestering and nonsense, but she had gotten used to them. She had become numb; her enemies slowing turning into old friends.

 

But in the moment, it wasn’t just Hope and her demons. It was Hope and her demons and Kelley. Kelley, the small flickering candle struggling to remain alight in the dark, the only one who could _see_.

 

“You can’t keep letting them in…we’ve talked about this before.” Kelley finally broke the silence- not because she didn’t want to, but because she couldn’t bear to hear the sounds of Hope quietly crying any longer.

 

“I don’t have a choice.”

 

Normally Kelley would respond with something along the lines with, _Yes, Hope. Yes, you do. You do have a choice._ But that response was getting old, and Kelley herself was beginning to buy into Hope’s lack of power when it came to such adversity. So Kelley responded with a simple, “I know.”

 

Hope didn’t need Kelley to push her into explaining the full story. The truth always seemed to flow out when she was around the young defender. With Kelley, she could be honest; she could be herself. She felt the words come out effortlessly.

 

“We were at a bar. No surprise there, right?” Hope chuckled bitterly as she managed to sound coherent through her tears, “I don’t know why we can’t just handle things like real adults instead of getting ourselves into these messes. He’s been frustrated a lot lately about my time away from home and though he tagged along with me to camp this time, he feels like he’s being treated unfairly because I still don’t have time for him. It’s been an ongoing fight…you know that. I mean, I don’t blame him…our circumstances make things so difficult. I just wish he understood; I thought he understood what he was getting into when we got married. I thought he understood _who_ he was marrying. I thought everything had been clear to him.”

 

Kelley felt herself tense up at the mention of Hope’s wedding years ago; a time in her life she pretended never existed. Yet, she took a deep breath and forced herself to relax, letting Hope know that it was okay to continue.

 

“He had a little too much to drink and began making comments, pretty nasty ones really. I didn’t know he had all this bottled up inside him. He started yelling and that got others involved, which turned into quite the scene. It wasn’t until things got physical and cops barged through the doors that I realized what a cluster fuck we were in again.”

 

“Well, it wasn’t your fault.” Kelley shrugged with the most simplistic answer.

 

“Yeah, it was.”

 

Kelley inhaled sharply, tired of trying to convince Hope otherwise. “No, it wasn’t. He’s the one who started to-”

 

“I defended him.” Hope interrupted, her voice wavering with fear and shame. “Can you believe that? I defended him…that’s why the media is painting me as the perpetrator against all those other people. They’re right. I’m the bad guy…again.”

 

Kelley let the truth sink in and though she really should’ve just agreed with the older woman, she found herself arguing, “No…it’s still not your fault.”

 

“You’re wasting your time trying to talk to me…” Hope instantly gave up. “I think it’s best if you just leave me alone.”  

 

Kelley ignored her comment and turned her head to the side to take in Hope’s dark and shadowed figure. “You can’t help it…bad things happen to you. They gravitate towards you. I don’t know why; they just do. But that doesn’t make you a bad person. You deserve a second chance.”

 

Hope let out a bitter laugh and blatantly declared, “Oh, I’m way past my second chance.”

 

“Yeah, you are.” Kelley agreed, but reasoned further, “But you also had a third chance…and a fourth one…and a tenth one…and a one hundredth one. You can’t run out of chances.”

 

“That’s ridiculous, Kelley. There’s only so many times a person can be forgiven…can be made new.”

 

“Not if that person is genuine about it. Hope, it’s not like you actively seek out ways to make your life hell. Like I said, it just happens to you. Come on, remember what you always tell yourself…even when quitting seems like the best option, there’s always a reason to keep going.” Kelley threw Hope’s own advice back at her.  

 

“What reason?!” Hope exclaimed helplessly into the dark. “Why should I keep pushing forward only to trip and stumble back further behind each time?”

 

 _Because of us,_ Kelley thought silently to herself. She wanted to scream, _You have to keep pushing forward for us_. They had never gotten the chance to become something together and that devastated Kelley every day. Though years had passed, a small flicker of hope had remained inside Kelley. She hoped that one day they’d be together and that it would be _her_ responsibility to take care of Hope, to protect her. One day, there would no longer be Hope and her demons and Kelley. There would just be Hope and Kelley. _There will just be us._

 

Somehow, Hope managed to find her way onto the same wavelength as Kelley and asked quietly, “Why are you here?”

 

“You know the answer to that.” Kelley mumbled, her eyes now fully adapted to the dark. This is what they did best. They comforted each other in the darkest moments as best as they knew how.

 

“It doesn’t make sense to me. After everything….after everything I’ve put you through. Why do I always find you by my side?” Hope leaned her head back against the locker in defeat as she reflected on yet another one of her faults.

 

“Because…” Kelley sighed, not being able to think of an eloquent answer. “Just…because.”

 

“I don’t deserve you- our friendship, that is. I don’t deserve a lot of things, really…you might as well leave me out with the trash.” Hope scoffed.

 

Kelley had enough and sighed loudly in anger, “Why do you say things like that? You are human, Hope! You aren’t garbage nor should you be treated like it. It kills me to hear _you_ say that over yourself…it’s not true. You’re…amazing, Hope.”

 

Hope felt her eyes begin to sting with fresh tears. If only she saw herself the way Kelley did, her life might be more tolerable. But in reality, she’d always be ashamed of herself- the masterful tyrant who was cold and chipping away at her own heart as if it made of stone.  

 

“Look at me, Hope.” Kelley pleaded, knowing Hope was silently waging war with herself. “Please, look at me.”

 

Hope turned to face Kelley and even though they were still in the dark, they found each other without effort. They could barely make out their silhouettes, but it was enough to keep them grounded in one another. Hope caught a glimmer in Kelley’s brown and warming eyes, and she held on for dear life.

 

Kelley spoke in a gentle voice, “Remember the last time we were in the dark like this? The first night we were roommates. You lost the bet at practice that day- the one where you claimed that I couldn’t score a goal on you. But I did and that night, you found yourself pushing our beds together and draping sheets from wall to wall in hopes of turning our room into an epic fort. You might’ve thought that it was silly, but-”

 

“It wasn’t…it wasn’t silly to me.” Hope quickly corrected, earning half a smile from Kelley.

 

The defender continued, “I hadn’t had that much fun in so long…the nerves about playing in my first major tournament were finally fading away. While the silliness was hilariously memorable, I’ll never forget the conversation we also had that night…the first time you ever opened up to me. I had the time of life with you, Hope. Not just that night, but every adventure after- every second of that tournament. You opened up to me and I remember thinking how incredibly lucky I was to know that side of you- well not even…that wasn’t just a ‘side’ of you. That was the _real_ you. The carefree, dorky, beautiful, heartwarming, all around amazing soul. _That_ was the real Hope Solo.”

 

Hope took the opportunity to lean her forehead against the smaller woman, her eyes mistakenly glancing downwards to Kelley’s lips. She refrained from her sudden desires and needs, and stated carefully, “You have to let me be, Kell…if you get too close, I’ll only hurt you more.”

 

“You can’t hurt me more than you already have.” Kelley felt her own hand intertwine with Hope’s, shuddering at the jolt of electricity between them, the dormant spark suddenly afire.

 

Hope closed her eyes, mustering up every last ounce of strength that she could. _Why Kelley?_ She felt herself stutter, “We…we can’t…why are you-?”

 

Hope didn’t have to finish her question as Kelley took the opportunity to bring Hope’s face to her own and close the space between them. Kelley kissed Hope hard with passion and unconditional love that she had ben harboring all those years. She had waited far too long to do this. She pulled apart only to come up for air and though their lips brushed again, Kelley knew she had to resolve the thousands of conflicts weighing heavy on Hope’s heart. Luckily, she knew exactly how to handle it.

 

“Because I care.” Kelley’s statement seemed far too simple. She expanded, “I’m always going to care. I don’t have a choice. Just like you’re always going to have your demons, I’m always going to care. I’m always going to believe in you.”

 

“Even when I don’t myself?” Hope’s eyes searched Kelley for an honest answer.

 

Kelley nodded and squeezed her hand, “Especially then.”

 

Hope found some peace in Kelley’s promise, but the shadows of her demons were slowly creeping back. She couldn’t ever foresee an end to her inner fight with herself. She apologized in defeat, “I’m sorry…”

 

Kelley felt herself lose grip of Hope once again, even though she had steadied her just moments ago. She pleaded, “No, Hope, don’t…you’re going to be okay. You’re still that person; I just know it. You can still be everything you talked about that night. You can still love and _be_ loved.”

 

“How could someone ever love me after all this? Who could even love someone like me at all?”

 

Kelley watched as Hope’s blue eyes morphed into the darkness. Losing the woman that she’d walk to the ends of the earth for suddenly became all too real, impacting her in ways she couldn’t ignore anymore. Kelley suddenly felt vulnerable and lost; the presence of something else suffocating the flickering light of hope that she was supposed to take care of and keep safe. She was in the dark. They were in the dark.

 

Hope and her demons and Kelley and _her demons._

 

Hope’s questions only smothered her and she felt her heart leap out of her chest and stop beating all at once. Kelley couldn’t answer Hope aloud. She knew the answer perfectly well, but she just couldn’t bring herself to say it; she never could.

 

_I do love you, Hope. I still do._

_//_

_You could still be,_

_what you want to._

_What you said you were,_

_when I met you._

 


	24. Tenerife Sea

_**Tenerife Sea | Ed Sheeran** _

* * *

 

 

 _We are surrounded by all of these lies_  
And people who talk too much  
You've got that kind of look in your eyes  
As if no one knows anything but us

_//_

“You’re way too enthusiastic about this.” Kelley yawned, leaning as comfortably as she could against the side of the boat.

 

Making sure to still have a solid grip over the wheel, Hope looked over her shoulder and snorted at the freckled-face woman half asleep. “Shouldn’t you be used to this, miss ‘I have to wake up at 5 am to catch the first wave’? If I recall correctly, I did not complain one bit when you took me surfing last weekend.”

 

“Whatever, Hope.” Kelley yawned again, “Just give me a couple minutes and the coffee will start kicking in.”  

 

Hope signed in content as she looked out into the open, “I could do this every day for the rest of my life and be perfectly happy. There’s just something about the open waters that is just so calming and peaceful. All my worries and problems and just everything remotely stressful is left behind on land. I love having an escape like this; I feel free out here. God, I think I love fishing more than anything else in the world.”

 

Kelley cleared her throat loudly, peeking one eye open to stare at the tall brunette standing at the front of the boat. “Excuse me?”

 

Hope laughed, a sparkle evident in her eye, “Don’t worry, Kell, you’re a close second.”

 

“I’m never agreeing to another fishing trip with you.”

 

Hope looked offended before crossing over and placing a soft kiss atop the tired brunette’s messy bun, “I’m kidding…just kidding. You know that nothing comes before you.”

 

Though she knew Hope had been joking, Kelley still didn’t want to give her the satisfaction of knowing that Kelley really did enjoy being out on the water. She didn’t find surfing so attractive for nothing. Still, she closed her eyes and just smirked, “Whatever you say, Hope.”

-

 

“For crying out loud, Hope, can we just get started already?” Kelley groaned. “It’s been two hours and we haven’t even put our lines in the water!”

 

“You can’t rush the process, Kell. Fishing is an art. I told you it would take an hour to get out to this spot and then another hour of prep work.”

 

“It can’t be that hard! Just put the worm on the hook and put the hook on the water.” Kelley threw her hands up in the air, staring incredulously as Hope carefully took care of the fishing line.

 

“If we don’t do this correctly, we’ll be going home empty handed.” Hope pointed out as she finished up setting both of their poles. Five minutes later, she nodded in satisfaction, “There. The poles are ready.”

 

“Oh thank god.” Kelley huffed as she grabbed a pole.

 

“Wait!”

 

“What now?”

 

“One more thing- take off your shirt.” Hope said as she reached for her bag.

 

“Excuse me?” Kelley said for the second time, her eyes widening at the woman’s strange request.

 

Hope rolled her eyes, “It’s for the sunscreen, Kelley. I don’t want you to get burnt.”

 

Kelley obliged, pulling her shirt over her head so that she was just in her swimsuit. “I can’t believe you just pulled the whole ‘Let me rub sunscreen on your back” trick. You know I’d take off my shirt for you any day.” She smiled cheekily.

 

Hope felt herself blush and once she finished applying the lotion, she declared, “Alright, I think we’re ready.”

 

“Finally!” Kelley lowered her fishing pole into the water. “So how long is this going to take?”

 

Hope chuckled, “Oh my little fishing apprentice, you must have patience. Usually it takes a while…we’ll be out here for a few hours before we even-”

 

“Whoa!” Kelley interrupted as she noticed her pole yank forward, “I…I think I got one!”

 

“You’re kidding me.” Hope shook her head in disbelief as Kelley yanked her pole out of the water, a fish attached to its end.

 

Kelley smiled proudly with her catch and raised an eyebrow, “You were saying?”

 

Hope let out a small huff, “Beginner’s luck.”

 

For the next two hours out on the water, Kelley had reeled another three fish in while Hope had none. Kelley, who was now thoroughly enjoying herself, just had to point it out, “I’m winning.”

 

“This is not a competition, Kelley.” Hope grumbled as she set her pole down to take a sip of water.

 

“Uhm, everything is a competition to me.”

 

“Look, you’ve been catching all the small ones…I’m going for the big guy. I know he’s around.” Hope retorted.

 

“You’re too tense about all this. Relax Hope, the fishies are sensing your frustration over me being better at this than you. You’re scaring them away.” Kelley knew she was close to sending Hope over the edge, but she loved it.

 

“For the last time, this is not a game! And the fishies have brains the size of peas; they can’t sense anything!”

 

“Actually, it would enlighten you to know that fish can actually sense-”

 

“Shhh! Maybe the reason I’m not catching anything is because you talk too much! You’re the one scaring them away.”

 

A cool breeze drifted over them as they continued to fish. It wasn’t long before Kelley felt a tug at her pole once again, but this time, whatever was on the other side seemed quite heavier than she had expected.

 

“Uhh…Hope….I…I can’t reel this in.” Kelley began fighting with the pole.

 

Hope shook her head and grumbled, “This is _not_ happening. How the hell did you get a big one?!”

 

“Hope, uh… a little help over here…”

 

Hope dropped her pole and wrapped her arms around Kelley, helping her steady the pole. After fighting for a couple more minutes, the two ended up reeling in a 100lb fish. Hope, completely exhausted as to have done more of the work, sat down in defeat. Kelley jumped up and down and pointed at the fish.

 

“Do you see this, Hope?! I caught that! Holy- oh my god, this is unreal. How much do you think it weighs?! Game over, Solo! I WIN.” Kelley announced triumphantly.

 

Though Hope’s competitive spirit in her was frustrated, she couldn’t help but feel a smile grow on her face as she watched the younger woman bounce up and down in excitement. “You’re impossible.”

 

“What can I say? I’m a pro.” Kelley laughed cheekily as she wandered over and sat down on Hope’s lap, wrapping her arms around her neck. “Don’t worry too much, Hope…you’re quite the catch yourself.”

 

Hope’s eyes widened as she stifled laughter, “Oh my god, did you just use a fishing pick up line on me?”

 

“Yes.” Kelley said with way too much enthusiasm, “Yes, I did…and don’t be _salty_ about it, either.”

 

Hope’s jaw dropped open at her use of yet another pun. She couldn’t have been more in love. “You’re killing me, kid.”

 

“Oh come on. Admit it, Hope. You’re a little turned on by that aren’t you?” Kelley raised her eyebrows as she wrapped her arms further around the taller woman’s neck.

 

“Very.” Hope admitted as she leaned in to kiss Kelley, not realizing that the fishing pole behind her was being tugged forward.

_//_

_And should this be the last thing I see_

_I want you to know it's enough for me_

_'Cause all that you are is all that I'll ever need_

_I'm so in love, so in love_

_So in love, love, love, love,_

_So in love_

 


	25. Falling Slowly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompt suggested by anon on tumblr.

_**Falling Slowly | Glen Hansard & Marketa Irglova** _

* * *

 

_Words fall through me_

_And always fool me_

_And I can't react_

_//_

“Careful there, Solo, if you grip your glass any harder it might break.” Pinoe joked as she looked suspiciously at the keeper whose stare was burning straight ahead.

 

Hope had her eyes locked in on Kelley, who was laughing obnoxiously with a random girl who had approached her only moments ago. The two sat abnormally close to each other at the bar and soon, the girl had turned to the bartender and held up two fingers, a drink for each of them.  

 

“Yikes, looks like you lost your chance tonight…” Syd pointed out as Kelley graciously accepted the cocktail.

 

“Shut up, you guys.” Hope mumbled, still keeping track of the young woman’s interactions. The team had the next day off and decided to hit up a few bars in town. Hope was actually looking forward to a good time, but not even an hour in at the first bar, and Kelley had already picked someone up. Or someone picked up Kelley. It didn’t matter really because that someone wasn’t Hope.

 

Carli tried to comfort her friend, “Don’t worry about it, Hope. It’s Kelley…you know she’s always like this. She’s the life of the party.”

 

“Yeah,” Pinoe agreed, “Plus, it’s not like you two are official anyways.”

 

Carli shot Pinoe a quick glare, but Hope grimaced at her teammate’s words anyways. Pinoe was right. There was no doubt there was something going on between the two of them, but Hope had never found the courage to take their relationship any farther than it was now. They talked, they touched, and they snuck kisses whenever they could, but that was it. The more Hope thought about it, the more it felt like they were just fooling around.

 

But that didn’t sit well with Hope anymore.

 

As each day passed, Hope became more and more enamored with the young defender. There was just something about Kelley that made her stomach twist and turn and make the little hairs on the back of her neck stand up. They started off as just really great friends, then friends with some minor (okay, maybe major) benefits, and just when Hope thought they were at the point to take the next step, here they were at a bar- well, more like here Kelley was with some random girl fawning over her.

 

Hope felt stupid and childish for letting the jealously get the best of her, but she also needed to acknowledge and validate her feelings. What she shared with Kelley meant a lot to her and seeing Kelley allow herself to be so open and willing with another stranger drove Hope insane.

 

After some time, Kelley made her way back to her group of friends. She instantly wandered over to Hope, sat beside her and held onto the keeper’s arm, giving her a small peck on the cheeks. “Hey, I’ve missed you.”

 

Hope sighed, doing her best to push her jealous feelings out of the way so she could attempt to have some fun tonight. She put on a weak smile and looked down at Kelley’s awaiting stare, “I’ve missed you too.”

 

“What are you doing here with all these losers?” Kelley gestured jokingly at the rest of her teammates seated at the booth. She tugged on Hope, “Come join me.”

 

Pinoe cleared her throat, “Ahem, I am not a loser. Let me remind you that I taught you everything you know about picking girls up at a bar…speaking of which, what was that all about?!” She nodded towards the random girl at the bar. Carli shot her a second glare.

 

Kelley scrunched up her face in confusion, “What? You mean her? Oh, that was nothing.”

 

“Mhmmm…” Syd sounded unconvinced as she took a sip of her martini.

 

“I’m serious! It was nothing.” Kelley reassured them, still holding on to Hope’s arm and beginning to stroke it up and down in comfort.

 

“Well, good thing it wasn’t anything then because your Hope Yolo here was getting jealous.” Pinoe smirked, earning a scowl from Hope.

 

Kelley’s face filled with amusement as she looked up at Hope, “Really? You, jealous?”

 

“I was not jealous.” Hope quickly lied.

 

Pinoe rolled her eyes, “Don’t deny it…if looks could kill, that poor girl would be dead by now.”

 

“Aw, Hope…” Kelley dragged out Hope’s name, batting her eyelashes at her in a teasing manner. “I never pegged you to be the jealous type.”

 

“I’m not jealous!” Hope repeated. She stuttered, “I…I was just looking out for you, Kell…I mean, you never know who you’ll meet at a bar.”

 

Kelley shook her head and just leaned up to give Hope a quick peck on the cheeks to hopefully calm her nerves. “Whatever you say, Hope…” She grinned widely at the keeper.

 

The small gesture of affection seemed to do the trick as Hope felt the corners of her mouth tug upward; she couldn’t resist Kelley’s grin. Hope was just about to lean down for a real kiss when Syd loudly warned them.

 

“Uhm guys, three o’clock. We have KO’s bar lover approaching us at three o’clock.”

 

Hope felt her entire body tense up as the other woman had finally reached their group. Kelley let out a small and unsure, “Uh, hey there…”

 

“Hi Kelley!” The girl greeted, her voice too high and perky for Hope’s liking.

 

She stood there awkwardly until Kelley nervously asked, “Uh, do you need something?”

 

The girl took a deep breath, “I just…I was wondering if you’d like to come hang out on the dance floor and…dance. I was hoping you’d want to dance and then maybe another round of drinks?”

 

Without another thought, Kelley nonchalantly responded, “Sure, let’s do it.” Hope felt the color drain from her face, definitely not expecting Kelley to answer like that. She quickly removed herself from Kelley’s grip, but the freckled face woman held on tight turning to her, “Hope, want to come with?”

 

This time, Hope jerked her arm away, shook Kelley off, and stood up abruptly. She mumbled, “Why would I want to join you?”

 

“I was just offering…” Kelley quietly responded, surprised by Hope’s cold attitude.

 

“I’m going to call it a night and head back to the hotel. I’ll see everyone late.” Hope quickly grabbed her belongings and stormed out of the bar, leaving Kelley completely lost.

 

Hope had made it down a block from the bar when she heard footsteps quickening with pace. A familiar voice called out, “Hope, wait!” Hope refused to listen and let her feet carry her onward.

 

“Wait up…Hope, _wait_.” Kelley ordered, finally getting Hope to stop and turn around. Kelley quickly jogged up to her. “Hey, you okay?”

 

Hope narrowed her eyes and snorted, “What do you think?”

 

“Hope, what’s going on?”

 

“Are you that naïve to not see that I’m upset?”

 

“Why are you upset?” Kelley asked aloud, but then quickly realized why Hope had suddenly left the bar. “What, the girl? Wait, are you still jealous?”

 

“I’m not jealous!” Hope grumbled and crossed her arms.

 

“You totally are…” A smile grew on Kelley’s face, as if she were proud of this. “You’re jealous, Hope.”

 

“This is ridiculous…” Hope hugged and turned around to leave again, but Kelley held her back.

 

“Whoa, wait up…let’s talk about this. Why are you jealous? I’m okay, Hope. I can take care of myself.”

 

“Can you though? The way that girl had her arms around you at the bar made me think you were going to go home with her.”

 

“Oh, stop exaggerating. She was just really friendly...come on, don’t be a bad sport about this. Let’s head back. We still have the rest of the night.” Kelley tugged on Hope’s jacket, egging her on.

 

“No, Kelley, I’m just…I’m tired.” Hope replied with a poor excuse.

 

Kelley moved closer to the keeper, hoping that the lack of personal space would convince Hope to stay. Her voice lowered, “Come on, we’ll have fun.”

 

“I need to go…”

 

“Please stay…”

 

“No!” Hope gently shoved Kelley away, leaving the younger woman perplexed and slightly hurt. Hope’s expression softened, “I…I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to…I’m just worked up. The way you just let that girl…”

 

“What is your problem?” Kelley shook her head. “You don’t have a say as to what I do.”

 

“Well, I sort of…but I do, Kelley, because you and I, we…” Hope was fumbling all over her words, her nerves taking full control of her.

 

“We aren’t together.” Kelley replied simply, echoing Pinoe’s thoughts from earlier.

 

Hope erupted again, “I’m sick of hearing that! Kelley, can’t you see it? Can’t you see that maybe allowing yourself to get hit on by some random girl might not sit well with me? I thought we…I thought we had something. What have we been doing this whole time? I’m…I’m…”

 

“Hope…” Kelley breathed the keeper’s name, supporting her to continue.

 

“I’m falling for you, Kelley. I know we aren’t together, but I’ve spent all of tonight wishing that we are. I want you to myself. I don’t want to share you with anyone else. _I want you_.” Hope proclaimed.

 

Kelley’s expression had rendered more solemn, feeling how heavy of a conversation had turned into. She had just been teasing Hope and now the way she responded could either make or break their relationship.

 

Realizing that Kelley was struck with a loss for words, Hope looked down and muttered quietly, “Forget it…forget that I even brought this up. I gotta go.”

 

“ _Wait_.” Kelley urged and grabbed Hope’s arm yet another time that night.

 

“It’s okay, Kelley, I should’ve expressed how I was feeling a long time ago instead of…I just want you to know that I’m here. I’m not good at this, but that doesn’t change how I feel about you…I’m just here…”

 

Kelley soothed the troubled keeper, “Hey, hey…okay. I know. I know you’re here. Hope, I’ve been waiting so long to hear you say this.” She took one step closer.

 

Hope finally looked up, her eyes meeting Kelley’s. “Y…you have?”

 

“I feel the same way about you. Don’t worry…I’ve known this from the beginning. I was just waiting for you to bring it up first because I know it takes awhile for you to trust someone. I wanted to give you as much space as possible…”

 

“But tonight…”

 

“I’m sorry.” Kelley quickly cut her off, “I was just having some fun…I wasn’t sure where we stood, so I was just trying to test the waters a bit. Well, that sounds bad…my intention was never to hurt you or make you jealous. Like I said before, I thought you’d might like some space…”

 

“No…never.” Hope breathed, feeling herself tense as Kelley moved closer so that she could play with the zipper of her jacket.

 

“Okay then…I’m yours, Hope.” Kelley replied in a matter of fact. “I’m all yours.”

 

Hope looked deep into Kelley’s eyes and only felt herself fall further. She felt like a great weight had been lifted off her chest and at the thought of them finally being together, she felt herself squirm. She softly announced, “I don’t need space when it comes to you.”

 

“Good.” Kelley smirked, tugging on Hope’s jacket and reaching behind her neck to pull her in closer. “I’ve never been good at giving people space.”

 

_//_

_Falling slowly, eyes that know me_

_And I can't go back_


	26. Girl Crush

_**Girl Crush | Little Big Town** _

* * *

 

  

_I don’t get no sleep, I don’t get no peace_

_Thinkin’ about her under your bed sheets_

_The way that she’s whisperin’, the way that she’s pullin’ you in_

_Lord knows I’ve tried, I can’t get her off my mind_

_//_

You’ve lost your appetite. You shift the scrambled eggs around your plate, doing your best not to eavesdrop on the conversation a couple tables away from you. But that’s not possible when it comes to your team. They’re just so…loud.

 

Ashlyn’s voice carries across the room, “I want details!”

 

You notice Ali rolling her eyes, “Ash, you don’t need to know everything about our teammate’s sex lives.”

 

You see Kelley shift uncomfortably in her seat. She stammers, “We…we didn’t…we just talked, I swear!”

 

Alex takes the last available seat at their table and adds, “Oh come on, Kelley. It was your six month anniversary. You can’t tell me _nothing_ happened.”

 

“Fine, _something_ happened, but not like that! Believe it or not, we just had a nice conversation with each other over dinner. We still had a great time without the whole…physical aspect.” Kelley argues.

 

“That just doesn’t make sense to me.” Ashlyn interrupts.

 

After shooting her girlfriend a quick glare, Ali smiles back at Kelley, “You know we’re just giving you a hard time, Kell…I think that’s a sweet way to spend your anniversary together.”

 

“It was nice,” Kelley nods, suddenly becoming more animated, “We talked about everything…everything from surfing to Bigfoot to travelling. She even let me talk her ear off about soccer. You know when that happens, she’s a keeper.”

 

Kelley’s laughs at her own joke, but you cringe. You shouldn’t let something of so little magnitude affect you like this, but it does. It’s driving you crazy. _Keeper_ , you scoff.

 

After the laughter dies down at their table, Kelley softly adds, “We talked about our future, too…and that was…refreshing. She’s beautiful, she has the biggest heart, she makes me laugh, she values commitment, she’s honest. She’s good for me. She’s really good…”

 

Kelley’s voice trails off as she gets lost in thought and the entire table renders quiet, blinking at her in silence. Ashlyn speaks up, a little tease to her tone of voice, “Look at you, O’Hara…gushing over your lady friend. Maybe this isn’t just puppy love anymore.”

 

“Yeah…maybe.” Kelley sighs hard and looks down to pick at her food.

 

She loses her appetite, too.

 

_-_

_“I’m seeing someone.”_

_“Oh, you are?” You respond almost too quickly. “Good…that’s good. Good for you, Kelley.” You want to strangle yourself for your sudden lack of composure. You also hate the way her full name leaves your mouth hanging dry. She’ll always be ‘Kell’ to you._

_“Thanks.” Kelley searches hard to gauge your emotions, but you don’t let her. You don’t let her in anymore. She continues, “I’m glad I was able to tell you in person. I didn’t want you to find out from someone else.”_

_“Right, right…thanks for that.” You just nod and look around at the almost empty lobby. She had pulled you aside after the team meeting to start off camp._

_Kelley starts to ramble, “I hope you know this doesn’t change anything. I really don’t want things to be weird between us…we’re finally okay again as just friends again and I don’t want to risk it by me going off and…”_

_“I get it, Kelley.” You hope that didn’t come off as too brash, but you can’t help the feelings boiling within you. Of course this changes things. With her interested in someone else meant that she wasn’t interested in you anymore. That bothers you. You realize you’re being unfair._

_Kelley sighs, “Right, of course you do.”_

_“It’s okay…I understand.” But you don’t. You don’t understand._

_“So are we good?” Kelley looks up at you cautiously._

_“Yeah, yeah…” You hide the uncertainty in your voice, and to remind not just her, but also yourself, you surrender, “Kelley, you know that you don’t have to come to me for permission for these type of things, right?”_

_It’s Kelley’s turn to lose composure. She nods vigorously, “Right, right…yeah, I know.” For a split second, you see Kelley rethink the weight of the situation, but you’re not good at reading her thoughts. What you don’t know is that a part of Kelley had been hoping for a different reaction out of you. She had been hoping for a ‘No, we aren’t good…I miss you.’_

_Instead, you just let out a soft resignation, “I just want you to be happy.”_

-

 

You’ve done a lot of soul-searching these past couple years. You feel like you know yourself better these days; your life is finally back on track. You’re happy with being a veteran on the team, you play in your hometown, you’re a world champion…you smile more these days.

 

She’s the only thing missing, the only thing keeping you up at night. 

 

You begin to wonder if you’d ever be good enough for Kelley.  

 

You wonder if you could handle a long distance relationship, flying back and forth between Jersey and Seattle every other weekend if you had to.

 

You wonder if you could leave trails of kisses across her shoulder and down her arm, easing her slowly to sleep.

 

You wonder if you could be the reason she wakes up at the sound of you groaning because she accidentally elbowed you in the face, her apology quickly turning into a midnight laugh.

 

You wonder if you could tolerate the abundance of outfit decisions- along with the numerous hair styles and choices of perfume- you’d have to make to look your absolute best for her.

 

You wonder if your touch could pull her in effortlessly.

 

You wonder if you _still_ can be good enough for Kelley; you wonder if you can be the perfection that is her girlfriend of six months.

 

-

 

_“You ready for this tournament?” Kelley asks as she sits next to you on the bus, an effort to ease back into a friendship of sorts with you._

_You move your belongings to give her more space and smile to the best of your ability, “Ready as I’ll ever be.”_

_“That seems like the general consensus so far.”_

_You hold onto your smile, “No, really, I think we’re more than ready. This time feels different.”_

_“I believe that.” Kelley says softly, looking out the window._

_You carry on with the small talk, “Your family coming to watch the games?”_

_“Oh yeah, you know my parents…they wouldn’t miss it for the world.” Kelley chuckles._

_“Erin and Jerry?” You feel like you’re asking about your own family._

_“They’re going to try and make it out to most of the games.” Kelley says, and then adds, “And my girlfriend...she’ll be around too.”_

_“That’ll be nice…”_

_“Yeah, it’s her first major tournament with me…she’s really excited, it’s cute.” You don’t know how Kelley is so comfortable talking about this with you, but she just is. You accept it for her sake. “You’d like her…she’s super approachable and easy to talk to. I guarantee you she’ll have you laughing to tears within moments of meeting her. But she also likes to tell it how it is and isn’t afraid to do so; she’s sort of a beast. I hope you get to meet her.”_

_Kelley’s last sentence catches you off guard. Meet her? Isn’t it considered a bad thing to meet your ex’s new girlfriend? The smile is starting to fade off your face, “She sounds perfect.”_

-

 

She’s happy now.

 

_But at what cost? Your happiness? Surely your happiness is more important._

 

Her girlfriend is good enough for her.

 

_But so are you. You’re more than just good enough. You’re her good, her bad, her everything in between; her forever._

-

You make up your mind. You don’t want to live like this anymore. You _can’t_ live like this.

 

You find yourself briskly making your way to the other end of the hotel floor. With each step, you build confidence, even though you know that confidence will disappear into thin air the moment you hear footsteps approaching the door from the other side. You take a deep breath.

 

“Hope?”

 

Your voice cracks, not expecting that voice to greet you. “Carli?” You let out a short breath in confusion. “What are you doing here?”

 

“I could be asking you the same thing…” Carli’s brow arches.

 

You make eye contact with Becky, who is now leaning over from her bed to see who’s at the door. She greets, “Oh hey, Hope! Come in!”

 

Carli’s still giving you a look asking for an explanation as she reluctantly opens the door wider for you to step through. She clarifies, “Becky and I are just looking at the teams schedule for the next few months leading up to Rio.”

 

You just nod, noticing planners and their captain binder sprawled out across Becky’s bed. However, you’re more interested in the other half of the room. The luggage half open spilling out with all too familiar clothing, the under armour cleats tossed about the floor, the stuffed squirrel peeking out from behind the mess of sheets. Her belongings are scattered everywhere; _she_ was everywhere.

 

But also nowhere.

 

Becky pipes up, completely oblivious to your silence, “Don’t worry, Hope, we’re almost done here. Then you can have Carli to yourself.”

 

You quickly correct her, “Actually, I’m not here for Carli…I’m here for-” Before you can finish your sentence, the bathroom door swings open. Your breath hitches and you let out a soft, “…Kelley.”

 

“Me?” Kelley points to herself, but then is quick to ask, “When did you get here?”

 

“Hi, uh…just a bit ago. I…”

 

“What did I do now? The backline not up to par these days?” Kelley jokes, crossing the room and climbing back onto her bed.

 

“Oh, nothing…nothing. I wasn’t here to-” You realize how terrible this is going.

 

“Relax, Hope. I’m kidding.” Kelley shakes her head, muttering to herself, “Geez, always so uptight.”

 

You look at her with a loss for words. Your eyes must betray you because Carli is quick to catch on. She knows you need the space. She clears her throat, “Becky, do you mind if we finish all this down in the lobby? I’m hungry and noticed a vending machine down there.”

 

“You hate vending machines” Becky points out, still consumed with scheduling duties.

 

“I’m hungry…” Carli tries again.

 

“Well I have a few bars in my backpack that you can-”

 

“Becky, I want chocolate. Like M&Ms.” You wince at Carli’s poor attempt.

 

“I thought you had a no-sweets rule when-”

 

Carli has to drag Becky out by the arm, grumbling all the way, “Come on, Becky, let’s go.”

 

The door shuts and you’re finally alone, with Kelley that is. You feel awkward, but naturally Kelley doesn’t. She laughs, “Your best friend is weird.” You chuckle nervously in agreement, but you then realize there’s no need to be nervous. Kelley makes this easy. She pats the spot next to her, gesturing for you to sit, and continues, “So I was just making my new Spotify playlist for the month…there hasn’t been a lot of good new music lately, so I’m just surfing through oldies. What’s up with you? Didn’t want to go out with everyone else tonight?”

 

“Nah, you know me…”

 

“Oh right, you could be stranded on an island alone and you’d be perfectly content.”

 

“That’s me.” You grin stupidly.

 

Kelley pries, “Come on, what do you do when you’re alone? Think?”

 

You know that Kelley already knows the answer to that, but you just nod anyways, “Pretty much.”

 

Kelley asks, “What is there to think about, these days? Isn’t it overwhelming to think like all the time?”

 

“Well yeah, but it’s good for me...I think of all sorts of things…” Hope tries to bring up them, “I mean, I’ve been thinking about the team, the staff, Carli, Becky…you…”

 

“Me? Uh oh, that can’t be good.” Kelley is still oblivious, humming as she sifts through her music. You try to get her full attention, so you blurt out, “I’ve been thinking about _us_.”

 

That seems to do the trick as Kelley’s head shoots up. She shrugs, “Us? I think we’ve had solid communication on the field thus far. If we keep this up, I think we’ll be even better than we were in London.”

 

“That’s not what I meant…”

 

“Oh the whole backline? Maybe if we just have a meeting at the end of each practice…” Kelley is still completely distracted by whatever she’s doing.

 

“Well, I mean, going back to London…we…we hung out a lot. I miss being with you, Kell.”

 

“I miss you too, Yolo.” Kelley smiles. You think she finally gets it until she adds, “If Jill starts to play me more, then maybe we can find that connection again and-”

 

“No.” You interrupt suddenly, this business like relationship becoming too much for you. “No, that’s not what I’m talking about.”

 

“No? Then what are you-” Kelley is interrupted by her phone ringing. She scrambles across the bed to reach for her phone on the night stand. She answers it, “Hey, babe! Aw, thank you…yeah. Yes, of course I miss you too. I can’t wait-”

 

You’re sick of the unfinished sentences and interruptions, but you think one more might be worth it. You just _really_ want to get your point across, so you think _Screw it,_ and just do it.

 

You kiss her.

 

You kiss her like it’s a Hail Mary pass to save the game, to save your relationship, to save you.

 

Her phone drops into your lap.

 

_//_

_I got a girl crush, hate to admit it but_

_I got a heart rush, it ain’t slowin’ down_


	27. Wonderful Unknown

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not really keen about this, but I thought I'd share it anyways.

_**Wonderful Unknown | Ingrid Michaelson ft. Greg Laswell** _

* * *

 

_Here we go, going in alone_

_Into the dark and wonderful unknown,_

_Let us go, let us go_

_//_

_x_

Kelley keeps to herself. She’s uncharacteristically quiet and doesn’t join conversations unless she’s invited to. She’s the newbie on the team and doesn’t want to do anything that’ll compromise her place on the team or any potential relationships with her teammates. She plays it safe.

 

The first week at camp goes better than expected. She’s genuinely enjoying herself. It really doesn’t take long for people to notice that Kelley brings a certain spark to the team. Kelley finds herself mingling more with her teammates, but she’s still hesitant when it comes to the veterans. There’s still an aura of greatness around them that terrifies her. They all seem nice; Christie is the most welcoming and Abby makes the effort to talk to her after every practice, _You’re doing great, kid._ But Kelley doesn’t _dare_ approach their number one goalkeeper, perhaps the most elusive member of the team.

 

At first, Kelley thinks it’s her childish crush that causes her eyes to gravitate to the keeper every chance she gets. There’s no doubt that she’s always had a thing for the Hope Solo. But when she notices her heart beating irregularly every time they’re in the same room, Kelley realizes this isn’t just a crush anymore. She’s absolutely stunning, which Kelley really can’t complain about, but that’s not what draws Kelley in. Hope somehow carries herself with the perfect mix of confidence and mystery, and Kelley decides right there and then, at her first national camp, that she wants more than anything to be a part of the woman’s life.

 

Kelley’s always been about the chase, but there’s something about Hope that leaves her wanting to go by unnoticed. The way Kelley sees it, she’s just admiring from afar and right now, that’s enough. They hadn’t even formally introduced themselves yet; on the first day, Hope had just nodded towards her during a team meeting. Kelley stared back blankly, not registering what had happened until the end of the day.

 

But then Kelley screws up. The whole ‘playing it safe’ mantra goes out the window in seconds. They’re in the middle of a drill practicing first touch techniques, one that she’s done numerous of times before. A ball is crossed to her and all she has to do is make a shot on goal. Her first touch is flawless, but when she looks up towards the goal, a deep blue pierces her and she forgets everything she’s learned in all her years of training. She knows she should’ve just sent the ball flying in from where she stood, but instead she finds herself dribbling recklessly towards goal and in her hastiness, she loses control of the ball. Hope takes the opportunity to intercept the ball and Kelley knows perfectly well that it’s Hope’s ball now, but she stupidly thinks she can outrun the keeper.

 

The next thing Kelley knows, she’s on the ground, well not quite- she’s laying atop of Hope, their bodies fully pressed together. Kelley’s eyes widen as she notices Hope grimace beneath her, eyes shut. She curses, _Shit, oh my god…shit, I’m so sorry…I…_ She expects full on reprimanding, glaring, and hating, but what she gets catches her completely off guard.

 

Hope, still pinned beneath Kelley (who hasn’t had the decency to remover herself quite yet), opens her eyes. Kelley’s blushing and Hope’s wildly uncomfortable. The keeper wants to be mad, but she just _can’t_ be, not with the warmest eyes staring back at her. She finds her jaw relaxing from its clench and the corners of her mouth turning upward.

 

The mysterious, elusive, serious, Hope Solo is smiling _at her_. Yet, Kelley still thinks she’s in _deep_ trouble.

 

_x times x_

They dance around each other for quite some time. Both of them knowing for a fact that they had wandered way past the border separating friendship and something more, but neither of them wanting to actually knowledge it.

 

One night, Carli announces that she’s hosting a movie night in her and Hope’s hotel room. This comes much to everyone’s surprise since the pair of best friends often keep to themselves, but they figured it might be fun. They could at least acknowledge the two introverts for making some sort of effort to get to know the rest of the team.

 

Everyone else knows that Hope isn’t one hundred percent into this movie night and don’t even think twice about invading her personal space. But not Kelley; she’s bold with her touch. She walks through the entryway, stepping over her teammates situated all over the floor and past the corner table where they kept popcorn and drinks. She climbs onto Hope’s bed, where the keeper sits alone, and doesn’t just sit beside Hope, but rather onto her lap. This, of course, causes a couple of their teammates to start turning their heads. Ash smirks and leans over to whisper to Ali, _My gaydar is pinging._ Ali just rolls her eyes and playfully shoves Ash, shooting her girlfriend a look that tells her to leave them alone. Julie’s head turns as well, overhearing Ash and Ali’s little exchange. She just smiles and shakes her head. About half the room had their attention to the pair on the bed, noticing Hope wrapping her arms around Kelley and placing her head on Kelley’s shoulder in content. Kling grumbles from her spot on the floor, _Those two idiots don’t even know they’re together._

Halfway through the movie, Hope falls asleep slouching further into the bed. Kelley’s not watching the movie anymore (well she had stopped a long time ago). Instead, she just stares at the keeper sleeping soundly beside her watching her chest rise and fall with each shallow breath. Kelley thinks about their relationship and slowly gets frustrated, realizing that they so obviously belonged with one another. She wants to give Hope as much time as possible to acknowledge what they had, but it’s killing Kelley to wait so long.

 

 _Be patient,_ she thinks to herself. Hope was worth the wait. Kelley smiles in adoration, removing a loose strand from Hope’s face, whispering, _I love you, Hope._

_x times x times x_

Hope’s marriage shocks everyone. The team isn’t sure how to react. Most of them can’t make it on such short notice. Others just won’t go, simply out of spite for the goalkeeper leading Kelley on. So what’s even more shocking than the wedding itself is when they hear that Kelley flew in the night before to attend it. She’s one of two teammates that attend Hope’s wedding; no one is sure what to make of that except for Kelley herself.

 

The moment she lands in Seattle, Kelley’s heart is on the verge of breaking. Kelley knows it’ll shatter into pieces this weekend, but for some strange reason, she finds comfort in that. Deep down, she still believes that a broken heart allows for a second chance, for someone to pick up those broken pieces.

 

 _And that someone is Hope_ , Kelley tells herself over and over again.

_x times x times x times x_

Hope hits a low. Her marriage is a mess and she’s been suspended. So many nasty things are being said about her in the media and she begins to believe them, even if they weren’t true. All this down time makes her think. She thinks about her life had she made different decisions. She _wishes_ she had made different decisions.

 

Thankfully, Kelley remains her friend through it all, calling or texting as often as she could. Hope appreciates the young woman’s support and she can’t help but wonder why she was being so kind, so good to her.

 

Little does she know that this whole time, Kelley isn’t just trying to offer support. She’s making sure that Hope doesn’t make the wrong decision twice in her life.

_x times x times x times x times x_

Years after the divorce, Hope still can’t commit. They fight about this. A lot. Kelley is trying to help Hope understand that if they don’t talk now, they’ll end up losing each other all over again.

 

At one point, they’re screaming so loud that Kelley feels herself lose her voice, and her breath. They don’t talk for weeks after that and every night, Kelley cries herself to sleep. Now she herself begins to doubt them.

 

But she hangs onto one certain image, an image that she’s had from the moment she met Hope. It’s a funny image, really- almost too out of character for the both of them, but she loves it.

 

It’s a Sunday morning and their house, with its white picket fence in the front yard, fills with the aroma of coffee mixed with pancake batter. _Tag, Momma, you’re it!_ Kelley hears screaming at the other end of the hallway and she’s worried for a quick second, but when she hears Hope’s laugh, her nerves settle down. Soon, Hope appears in the doorway of the kitchen, their two little boys curled around her feet. She looks exhausted, her hair disheveled, but their kids have the most triumphant looks on her face.

 

Kelley holds on to this every time she feels Hope slipping away. Because even if Hope felt like leaving, she’d hang on for the both of them. She’d stay.    

_etc._

The relationship isn’t healthy, people often told her. But Kelley refuses to listen. They didn’t know a thing about their relationship.

 

They didn’t know her. They didn’t know Hope. They didn’t know them.

 

It’s a cycle, but Kelley knows that for every time Hope messes up, she loves her a thousand times more. The love that had started between them had manifested outwards and now filled the space not just in _their_ relationship, but between all their other relationships too. Her love for Hope astounds her every day. It was out of control; it was limitless. It wouldn’t ever stop growing.

One day, their love began. The next day, it doubled. The day after, quadrupled. And so forth.

 

Their love was infinite.

_//_

_In the best way, you'll be the death of me_


	28. One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seattle vs. Sky Blue 4/17/16

_**One | Ed Sheeran** _

* * *

 

_Tell me that you turned down the man_

_Who asked for your hand_

_'Cause you're waiting for me_

_And I know, you're gonna be away a while_

_But I've got no plans at all to leave_

_And would you take away my hopes and dreams and just stay with me?_

_//_

It’s a perfect day for their opening match of the season. It’s a perfect day for soccer, really. The sun somehow finds itself peeking through the clouds that normally cover the Pacific Northwest city. Kelley takes a deep breath as she jumps out of the team van at Memorial Stadium. She’s excited to get back into the swing of things with her club team, but she also has to admit that when opening matches were announced just over a month ago, she had grimaced to herself.

 

_Seattle vs. Sky Blue Opening Match 2016 NWSL Season_

It isn’t that Kelley doesn’t like Seattle; in fact, Seattle is a leading city when it comes to their sport teams and Kelley absolutely loves playing in such an environment. She loves the challenge that the Reign brings to the table. For some strange reason, Sky Blue and Reign games are notorious for being incredibly unpredictable.

 

Not just on the field, but off it too.

 

Kelley nervously walks into the visiting locker room, taking note of the Reign’s home locker room just down the hallway. She mentally scolds herself for suddenly getting worked up about things other than the upcoming game, but she can’t help herself. How could she think straight when Hope was just a few doors down? She’s doing a pretty decent job at avoiding contact with the keeper, and though she knows a conversation is inevitable, Kelley’s savors her time alone- until she’s ambushed.

 

Walking down the tunnel to catch up with the rest of her team, Kelley feels a pair of strong, familiar arms pull her aside by the waist. Caught by surprise, she takes one sharp intake of breath, which is immediately cut off by Hope’s lips upon her own. She melts into the affection and when they break apart just moments later, Kelley looks helplessly into two large pools of blue. She doesn’t say a word. Instead, she tries to put forth her best smile. That plan goes south because the moment Kelley turns around to walk away, Hope’s voice pulls her back in.

 

“Hey, come here…I’ve missed you.” Hope quickly reaches out, gripping tight onto Kelley’s hand and reeling her in. She leans in for a second time, but feels a pair of hands against her chest.

 

“Hope…” Kelley sighs, looking cautiously from side to side. “People might-”

 

Hope arches her brow and chuckles softly. She asks, “When has that ever stopped us before?” Noticing that Kelley’s expression remains serious and subdued, Hope places a kiss to the side of the defender’s head and acknowledges the stiffness of the moment. “You okay?”

 

“No.” Kelley murmurs in all honesty.

 

Hope frowns, grabbing Kelley’s shoulders and lifting her chin to meet her eyes. “Tell me what’s going on.”

 

Kelley responds accusingly, “I think you know what’s going on.”

 

Hope frowns for a moment more before she removes her hands from Kelley, finally realizing what the young defender is implying. Her guard immediately goes up. Placing her hands on her hips in her classic defense stance and looking to the side, Hope clenches her jaw. Kelley’s looking at the floor and suddenly there’s a void between them. They remain like this until they hear noises getting louder down the tunnel, signaling them that pre-match events are well underway. Kelley’s the first to speak up.

 

“Hope, you need to make a decision.” Kelley then gives the older woman an ultimatum. “By tonight. Or it’s over.”

 

At this proposition, Hope’s head instantly snaps up. Worry fills her eyes, despite the efforts she’s making to fight off all emotion. Taken aback, she breathes out her confusion, “What?”

 

Kelley bites her lips from saying anything else. She turns around before Hope sees the tears welling in her eyes and she finishes making her way down the tunnel.

 

-

 

Sky Blue wins.

 

There’s cries of joy and laughter in the locker room. Not just because they opened the season with three points, but because they just achieved something that no other team has done before. They defeated the Reign at their home; they disrupted their winning streak. Players are bouncing from one another, patting each other on the back and smiling from ear to ear.

 

Except for Kelley. She’s quietly packing up her belongings, making sure to stand facing her locker so that no one notices her dampened attitude. She’s happy about the win and she’s really proud of her team- in fact, she’s even starting to believe that there are great things ahead of them for the season. But at the same time, the uneasiness she had felt before the game starts to rise in her throat and she begins to tremble with every passing minute. Luckily, not many people notice and for the teammates who do, they don’t have the nerves to bug her about it. They all respect her space, apart from Christie who just walks up to her own locker which just happens to be besides Kelley’s. Christie knows the young defender all too well. To the veteran, the silence is enough of a hint for her to conclude that Kelley just doesn’t have the energy to explain and will come to her if she really needs to. Just like all the other times, Christie gently squeezes her teammate’s shoulder. Kelley remembers to take a breath.

 

The locker room clears out and everyone begins to head back to the hotel. Kelley makes herself comfortable in the parking lot adjacent to the stadium, her eyes locked on the side entrances. It takes another twenty minutes before anything happens, but in that particular amount of time, she begins to convince herself that maybe things will work out. It’s not the first time she and Hope had hit a bump in the road. They always seem to be able to work through things in the past; yet again, everything in the past seems trivial compared to this. Their lives could be flipped upside down by the end of the night.

 

Kelley hears the creak of the door opening and quickly looks up, too fast for her own liking because in her haste, she happens to catch a glimpse of Hope _and_ her feelings. The flicker of assurance that is left in Kelley suddenly vanishes and she immediately reprimands herself for falsely believing that things will work out.

 

“Kell…” Hope whispers, just barely loud enough for Kelley to hear.

 

“Don’t.” Kelley’s voice wavers, “Please don’t…say my name like that.”

 

“I don’t even know where to begin.”

 

“Yes, you do.” Kelley accuses. “Just get it over with.”

 

Hope’s voice shakes, altering between uncertainty and certainty. “I can’t do it. I can’t leave him.”

 

Though she knew it from the moment Hope had stepped outside, hearing it aloud only devastates Kelley more. She buries her face into her hands, not fighting her inevitable breakdown. She bursts into tears, but bravely looks up at the keeper. Shaking her head, she crosses her arms and tucks herself further into her body. Her eyes plead with Hope, who can’t even bring herself to look at the heartbroken girl before her. She’s afraid to reach out and touch Kelley, knowing perfectly well she’s the reason for such heartbreak.

 

Kelley finally regains some composure and admonishes herself, “I’m so stupid.”

 

“No, you aren’t. If anyone’s stupid, it’s me.” Hope is quick to correct.

 

“I can’t believe I actually thought that…that you’d go through with it. I had a funny feeling about this. I should’ve known the moment you…god, even if it took this long, I really thought that by the time this match rolled around that you would’ve…”

 

“I’m sorry.” Hope is completely helpless.

 

“I broke up with her!” Kelley cries, a newfound frustration in her voice. Trying not to get herself worked up, Kelley takes a deep breath and just breathes calmly, “For you. Hope, I did it for you.”

 

“I know…”

 

“I can’t believe I let you destroy something that was actually going well for me…it’s not like I wasn’t happy. It felt good.” Kelley reminisces on her previous relationship, but adds quietly, “But we felt better.”

 

Hope’s not sure what to say anymore, but her heart speaks for her. “I love you.”

 

Kelley nods sadly, “But it’s not enough.” She runs her hands through her hair in exasperation, “Why, Hope? Why isn’t it enough? Why am I not enough?”

 

“It’s complicated.”

 

“No, it’s not!” Kelley’s not sure how much longer she can take Hope’s senseless answers. She reminds the keeper, “We decided we were going to leave them before Rio…we made that decision together. Hope, you promised!” Kelley half shouts her plea.

 

Kelley’s falling apart in front of her and though she knows she shouldn’t, Hope wraps her arms around the smaller woman. Her voice cracks and she sincerely apologizes, “Kelley, I’m sorry.”

 

“No, you aren’t! You…you’re just saying that. _No_.” Kelley refuses to believe Hope and begins to fight the keeper’s tough grip. She pushes against the keeper, pounding her fists actually. This only makes the grip tighten. Hope’s crying too now, whispering over and over again, _I’m sorry_. Kelley becomes too exhausted to fight anymore and succumbs to her grasp. She buries her head in her own hands, her entirety buried into Hope’s chest. Kelley laments helplessly, “I need you, Hope…I still need you- now, more than ever.”

 

Hope places her chin atop the defender’s head and stays quiet. She’s not sure what to say, but she knows she wants to say something- something meaningful. Kelley deserves that at the least. It finally hits Hope.

 

“Rio…” Hope’s voice raises a little louder, “…is just a few months away.”

 

Kelley pulls away and stares at Hope, realizing the implication of her statement, or rather proposition that was shining brightly in front of her like the stadium lights behind them. Kelley softly repeats, “The Olympics...”

 

“We can…” There’s a bittersweet edge to Hope’s voice. “We can just be. We’ll be away from everyone…and this doesn’t change things for when we return, but-”

 

“But it’ll be our time again. It’ll just be _ours_.” Excitement rises in Kelley, but she quickly shuts it down, taking into account the reality of the situation.

 

“Ours.” Hope softly reiterates.  

 

This Olympics would be their last. Their last time to just _be._ Of course this doesn’t change their predicament, in the long run, that is. Yet, Kelley finds herself pleading, “One more time? Please?”

 

“Okay.” Hope gives in. “Yeah. One more.”

 

They marvel in the fact that they’ll go to Rio, forget about everything and everyone they leave behind, and then return home apart. If circumstances were different, they’d return home together, two parts equal to a whole, as _one_.

 

But this is enough for them- well, it has to be enough. Even though they can’t foresee a future with the other in it, they’re thankful for the upcoming Olympics, a tournament so special, a block of time reserved for the two of them alone.

 

So they just stand. In the shadow of the Space Needle towering over them, they stand together and silently count down the days until they leave for Rio and anxiously wish for one more.

 

One more gold. One more promise. One more finish.

_//_

_Just promise me, you'll always be a friend_

_'Cause you are the only one_


	29. I Choose You

_**I Choose You | Sara Bareilles** _

* * *

 

 

_There was a time when I would have believed them_

_If they told me you could not come true_

_Just love's illusion_

_//_

Kelley barges through the entryway, stifling a laugh at the sight in front of her. Side by side, Hope and Carli are seated comfortably in their beds, reading glasses sitting on the bridge of their noses and a book in their hands. Kelley smirks and thinks to herself, _Typical_.

 

“What’s kicking, Grandmas?” Kelley taunts.

 

“Really? You’re here again?” Carli’s nose scrunches up as she looks up from her book. Kelley, a smirk still on her face, stands at the foot of her teammate’s bed and just shrugs. Carli looks over to Hope, who is still reading, and wonders, “How’d you get in?”

 

Kelley fishes into her pocket and pulls out a plastic card. Mischief glimmering in her eyes, she waves it in front of Carli’s face. “I have a master key.”

 

Carli frowns, “Where did you get one of those? Well, never mind, don’t answer that. I don’t want to know…Kelley, the point is, you can’t just barge in like this!” The midfielder glances over to Hope, who’s clearly not reading anymore, evident by the way smile creeping onto her face. Carli whines at her best friend, “Hope, tell her!”

 

Kelley takes the opportunity to cross the room and dramatically flop herself down next to Hope. She prods her arm gently and mocks, “Yeah, Hope, tell me.”

 

Hope lets out a huff, pushing her reading glasses atop her head and laying her book down in her lap. “I don’t see why you’re making such a fuss about this…she’s always in our room. This isn’t new.”

 

“That’s the problem!” Carli groans, looking incredulously between her teammates. They could be so oblivious sometimes. Normal teammates didn’t spend _this_ much time in each other’s rooms.

 

Noticing disapproval still clear in Carli’s eyes, Hope sighs, “Just calm down, Car…think of Kell like an honorary best friend.”

 

Kelley almost laughs at that, but keeps her mouth shut for the second time. Carli mumbles to herself, “Sure, something like that…”

 

Hope raises her brow and folds her arm, “Do you have something you want to say, Carli?”

 

Carli just shakes her head and the two friends return their attention back to their books. Meanwhile, Kelley has made herself more than comfortable beside Hope. She leans against the keeper’s shoulder and pretends to be focused on the book in Hope’s hand. She sighs. And then sighs again. After the third heavy sigh, Hope takes off her reading classes for the second time and cuts to the chase, “Okay, what do you want?”

 

“I’ve sort of been wanting to…well, I mean I _really_ want to…it’s probably not your thing, but I was thinking…”

 

“Spit it out, Kelley.” Hope is impatient.

 

“Will you go to Disneyland with me?” Kelley asks, almost too eagerly.

 

Hope immediately responds, “No.”

 

“Oh come on, Hope! We have the day off tomorrow! _Please,_ Hope.” Kelley begs.

 

Hope sighs, annoyed with herself for even beginning to consider the young defender’s proposal, but she can’t help but feel weak when Kelley looks at her with those big hazel eyes. She points out, “You know I don’t do people…it’s going to be so busy.”

 

“What do you expect? It’s the happiest place on earth! It’ll be fun! How can you resist Disneyland?!” Kelley retorts, “Come on, we all know Dork Solo is eager to play.”

 

Carli, who’s drinking out of her water bottle, straight up chokes. Though embarrassed, she can’t help but smile at the conversation her teammates were having. Hope glares and then speaks, “Carli, want to come with us?”

 

“Uh, no thank you.” Carli says, almost too fast, but then follows up with an excuse. “I promised Steph and Sam we’d grab lunch together.”

 

Hope narrows her eyes at her friend and reluctantly turns to face Kelley again. She pauses, Kelley’s wide eyes suddenly too much for her, and groans to herself, “Fine.”

 

“Wait, seriously?” Kelley’s eyes light up, and Hope can’t help but feel warm inside knowing that she was the reason for it.

 

“Yes, seriously…you better go before I change my mind.” Hope teases.

 

Kelley jumps off the bed, a wide grin on her face. They’re not even at the amusement park yet and adrenaline is rushing through her. She walks towards the door, “Alrighty, well, that’s all I came here for…see you bright and early, Yolo!” Hope watches Kelley shut the door from her bed, completely baffled by what she just got herself into.

 

Carli takes one look at Hope’s face and smirks, “Honorary best friend, huh?”

_//_

_But then you found me and everything changed_

_And I believe in something again_

_//_

It’s 7 in the morning and even when they’re standing in front of the entrance, Hope and Kelley don’t believe they’re actually about to spend the day at an amusement park- _with each other_. None of their other teammates could join them- well more like, neither of them had asked. Kelley’s just about to walk through the gates, but stops when she notices Hope pull out a pre-printed map of the park. It’s not just the map either; on the back, Hope has outlined an entire schedule for the day, corresponding to strategic “x’s” placed on all the rides and attractions she was hoping to go to.

 

Kelley jokingly groans, “God, you’re so Type A.”

 

“What?” Hope defends herself. “If we’re going to do this, we’re going to do this the right way.”

 

Kelley rolls her eyes, and goes to the bathroom, leaving Hope to figure out which way will lead them to Space Mountain since according to Hope, _That’s the best ride and the lines aren’t long now._ Afterwards, she returns towards the front gate, realizing that Hope has disappeared. Kelley’s about to call her when she sees the keeper strutting back towards with her in a new change of clothes. Hope’s wearing a Mickey and Minnie Mouse white tee, accompanied with a matching ear set.

 

Kelley tries really hard not to laugh, but her mouth opens into a smile anyways. She teases, “I knew it! I knew you were a die-hard Disney fan.”  

 

Hope doesn’t flat out agree. Instead, she repeats, “Like I said, we’re doing this the right way.”

 

Hope shoves a souvenir bag into Kelley’s arms. In it, Kelley finds an outfit similar to Hope’s. Kelley’s absolutely floored; Hope never ceases to surprise her. She laughs again, and happily accepts the keeper’s little gift. They’re complete dorks and it’s kind of adorable.

 

But the funniest part about it all? They’re not even a couple.  

 

_//_

_My whole heart_

_Will be yours forever_

_This is a beautiful start_

_To a lifelong love letter_

_//_

Kelley reluctantly climbs into the boat, taking the seat next to Hope. She looks around nervously and grumbles, “I can’t believe you convinced me to do this.”

 

Hope rolls her eyes, “Kell, you’ll be fine.”

 

“If anything happens…”

 

“Oh my god, for the last time, nothing is going to happen! This boat doesn’t go fast; it is literally slower than my own grandmother.”

 

“That’s the problem!” Kelley stresses, “We won’t be able to escape!”

 

“Escape what?!”

 

“The _dolls_ , Hope.” Kelley says in a hushed voice.

 

Before Hope can respond, the soundtrack to “It’s A Small World” blasts through the speakers and the boat begins its journey downstream. Kelley jumps in her seat and Hope smirks at the frightened defender. She teases and motions to the rest of the boat, “If all these kids can make it through this ride, so can you. Woman up, O’Hara.”

 

Kelley responds by shifting closer to Hope. She figures she’ll make it through the ride as long as she’s holding on to the keeper. They aren’t more than five minutes into the ride when the boat comes to a stop, the lights flicker, and then go out. Kelley lets out an uncharacteristic gasp, more like a squeal, followed by a whimper.

 

It’s quiet for some time before Kelley speaks up quietly, “H…Hope?”

 

Hope hears Kelley’s small voice and mutters in annoyance, as she tries to make sense of her surroundings in the dark. “You’ve got to be kidding me.” She feels Kelley’s grip on her arm tighten.

 

“I told you!” Kelley hisses. “I told you something would go wrong!”

 

“Oh, it’s just a small malfunction. This happens during a lot of rides, you know that. It’ll be up and running in no time.”

 

“But why here???” Kelley whines quietly. “Out of all places…”

 

Hope’s right. The ride continues within the minute. When the lights flicker on, Kelley jumps in her seat again and immediately buries herself into Hope’s side, not daring to look around. Hope rolls her eyes, but secretly enjoys protecting the young defender, even if it was during a silly children’s ride. She doesn’t mind being Kelley’s security blanket; in fact, she likes it more than she should.

 

Kelley remains like this for the rest of the ride, eyes closed and holding on to Hope for dear life.

 

_//_

_We are not perfect_

_We'll learn from our mistakes_

_And as long as it takes_

_I will prove my love to you_

_//_

After lunch, Hope decides it’s time to track down their favorite characters. She’s determined to find Princess Belle and much to Kelley’s dismay, they find themselves in Fantasy Land standing in front of the iconic magic kingdom.

 

Kelley trails behind Hope, “I can’t believe your favorite Disney character is a Princess.”

 

“Not now, Kell, I’m thinking.” Hope’s eyes frantically search to and from her map in attempts to spot the princess in yellow.

 

They wander around for a good hour before Kelley speaks up again, “Hope, maybe she’s not around today…I think we should just-”

 

“Oh my god, there she is!” Hope points, yelling enthusiastically. Completely ignoring Kelley, she briskly walks over. Hope towers over the four year olds surrounding the Princess, eventually making her way through the crowd. Kelley watches in disbelief as the two exchange words like they’re old friends. Soon, Hope’s calling out to her.

 

“Kell, get a picture of us!” Hope gently tosses her phone to Kelley.

 

Kelley just barely catches the phone, muttering, “Some of us aren’t goalkeepers, you know.”

 

“Hurry and take the picture!”

 

“Geez, I’m working on it!” Kelley scrunches up her face as she holds up the phone to snap a few pictures. Hope excitedly says goodbye to her new friend and instantly posts a picture (or maybe three) on Instagram.

 

After waiting a little while longer, Kelley taps her feet and asks impatiently, “Are you good now?”

 

“I think so.”

 

“Okay, great. Now it’s time to find Peter Pan.”

 

Kelley’s face lights up as she and Hope continue around the park. Hope doesn’t mind, appearing to still be in awe by her previous encounter. They find the adventurous character a lot quicker than expected, and now it’s Kelley’s turn to freak out a bit. Hope watches from afar, but as Kelley and the character carry on in conversation, the keeper finds herself narrowing her eyes. She doesn’t like the way Peter Pan is looking at Kelley or the way he unnecessarily caresses her arm. A part of Hope thinks she’s seeing things, but another part of Hope is extremely wary of the character who’s now telling Kelley to _Never grow up._ Hope laughs bitterly to herself and suddenly she convinces herself that’s the dumbest advice she’s ever heard. _Everyone grows up._ So she quickly walks over to Kelley, shoots one dirty look at Peter, and drags Kelley away.

 

“Hey, I didn’t even get a picture!”

 

“Too bad.” Hope says offhandedly.

 

“Hope, are you-”

 

“Come on, we’re going to be late for the fireworks.” Hope quickly cuts her off.

 

Kelley just follows Hope without another word. Luckily, she doesn’t catch on to the fact that Hope sort of wants to kill the guy in green tights.  

 

_//_

_I am not scared of the elements_

_I am under-prepared, but I am willing_

_And even better_

_I get to be the other half of you_

_//_

Kelley yawns, trailing more than a foot behind Hope. The keeper looks over her shoulder and urges, “Hurry up, Kelley, we’re going to miss them!”

 

“We shouldn’t planned this better.” Kelley complains, “I didn’t know we’d have to walk across the entire park just to see the fireworks!”

 

Hope eyes her, “You can run a full length game and yet here you are complaining about walking across Disneyland?”

 

“We’ve been on our feet all day!”

 

“I swear to God, Kelley, if you’re the reason why we miss…oh never mind. Just come here!” Hope quickly motions to the young defender, who hops onto her back like a small child. Hope carries Kelley for the last half mile; there’s a smug expression on Kelley’s face, but at the same time, she’s internally grateful.

 

The show begins and Hope gently lowers Kelley back on the ground. But Kelley doesn’t go far; she leans close and buries herself in the keeper’s chest. Again, Hope doesn’t mind. They stay wrapped in each other’s arms for the remainder of the evening, sighing in content as they watch the sky continuous light on fire. Amidst the shadows, they get lost in each other, but somehow find everything they never knew they needed.  

 

There are sparks flying everywhere.

_//_

_Tell the world that we finally got it all right_

_I choose you_


	30. Poison & Wine

_**Poison & Wine | The Civil Wars** _

* * *

 

_I wish you'd hold me when I turn my back_

_The less I give the more I get back_

_Oh your hands can heal, your hands can bruise_

_I don't have a choice but I'd still choose you_

_//_

From the back, Hope watches as her team files onto the bus. Everyone’s in good spirit having won their first of two Olympic sendoff games. Along with the win, Hope has made history once again with her record one hundredth shutout. She smiles and nods in gratitude as her teammates congratulate her over and over again as they make eye contact. She looks out the window, thinking about her history with the national team and how far she’s come, when she’s startled by an all too familiar enthusiastic voice.

 

“Mind if I sit here?” Kelley nods towards the empty seat.

 

“You have to call Carli first.” Hope says in all seriousness. As Kelley’s face slightly falls, Hope lets out a chuckle, “I’m joking…of course you can.”

 

Kelley just shakes her head and settles down next to the older woman. After finally getting situated, she turns to Hope, “Has it soaked in yet?”

 

Hope responds, “It’s starting to, I think…it’s just another silly record, really. I’m just glad we played well as a team. I think we’re building back our confidence, which is crucial to have once we arrive in Rio.”

 

Kelley just shakes her head. Naturally, Hope’s already one step ahead of herself; she’s always on top of things. Kelley nudges her, “Oh forget about Rio for one second, you goof! Let’s go back to the fact that you just logged your one hundredth clean sheet. 1-0-0! This isn’t just another silly record, Hope. This is huge! One hundred shutouts! That’s just…incredible.” 

 

“Thanks, Kell.” Hope feels color fill her cheeks. She’s really only ever celebrated when it comes to soccer, so hearing Kelley’s praise makes her feel extra special. She turns the table on her teammate, “Well your goal tonight shouldn’t go unnoticed either.”

 

“That was all for you.” Kelley flashes Hope a smile and the keeper can’t help but think back to the game and how Kelley ran back to her to celebrate after scoring her goal. It was very much like Carli’s celebration just about a year ago in Vancouver.

 

“We should celebrate.” Hope suddenly suggests. “Your goal, my record…nothing big. Maybe just the two of us.” Kelley eyes her and Hope stutters, “Well, I mean, I just figured that everyone might want to head to bed. It’s getting late, so if you’re tired too, we can just-”

 

“I’d like that.” Kelley cuts her off. They had been so focused on Rio lately, but now that the roster had been named and some stress was relieved, Kelley figures it wouldn’t hurt to spend some time together. They hadn’t done so in months, or in fact, years.

 

The bus finally arrives back to their hotel and they agree to meet each other in the lobby after changing and dropping off a couple things in their rooms. They’re walking towards the elevators when Hope stops in her tracks. Kelley immediately follows her line of sight and her heart unexpectedly drops.

 

“Jerramy?” Hope breathes. Her husband is standing to the side of the lobby, a cheeky grin on his face and a bouquet of flowers in hand. Without another moment of hesitation, Hope quickly walks up to embrace him. Her eyes light up, “What are you doing here?!”

 

“I wanted to surprise you for your one hundredth shut out.” Jerramy says, effortlessly leaning down to kiss Hope and placing his hands on her hips. He murmurs, “Congratulations, babe.”

 

Hope is pleasantly surprised. It’s not often that Jerramy makes appearances like this, so she finds it to be quite thoughtful for him to show up so unexpectedly. They keep their relationship on the down low; they’re not usually in the spotlight, but when they are, unfortunately it’s not for the greatest reasons. They don’t care what people think of them though. She smiles up at him, “Thanks for coming.”

 

“I didn’t want to miss it.” Jerramy says before looking down at his watch, “Hey, I hope you’re hungry. I know it’s late, but I was thinking we could go out and celebrate with a late dinner. If not, at least dessert.”

 

“Yes, of course!” Hope says almost too quickly, her eyes barely getting the chance to catch Kelley standing awkwardly some distance away. She finds herself stuttering, “Oh, actually…well, I already…” Hope’s voice trails off as Kelley just gives her a sad, but understanding smile. She turns back to Jerramy, “Dinner sounds great.”

 

Kelley watches as the two proceed to catch up with one another and begins her walk back to her room. She’s just about to catch up with Alex and Ashlyn, who are also heading up to their rooms, when she hears her name.

 

“Kelley, wait!” Jerramy calls out. Kelley apprehensively turns around to meet Jerramy’s eyes. His smile is warm, “It’s Kelley, right?”

 

Kelley swallows, her eyes flicker to Hope who’s naturally unreadable. She forces a smile, “Yeah, that’s me.”

 

“Want to join us for dinner?” Jerramy casually asks.

 

Kelley can feel Alex and Ashlyn carefully watching her, also having stopped at the mention of her name. She tries to ignore their stares and focuses on Jerramy. She politely declines, “No, no…don’t worry about me. I don’t want to intrude.”

 

“Oh, come on!” Jerramy urges and looks between his wife and her teammate. “I’m sure you guys were planning on celebrating tonight anyways and honestly, I’ve been wanting to get to know you better. We’d love to have you. Right, Hope?”

 

Kelley turns her attention to Hope, a part of her wondering what exactly Jerramy knows and the other part of her expecting Hope to look just as alarmed as herself, but instead, Hope’s nodding vigorously. She too encourages, “Join us, Kell!”

 

Kelley hears Alex faintly whispering, _You don’t have to, Kelley,_ but she ignores her friend and stands her ground on her own. “Seriously, you guys have fun.” She waves them off and takes a couple steps back.

 

Jerramy persists, “You two are really good friends, aren’t you? It’s strange, really. Considering the amount that Hope talks about you, you would think you’d visit us more in Seattle. So please, come out to dinner with us.” He mindlessly pulls Hope closer to him and jokes, “I’m not taking no for an answer.”

 

Kelley bites her lip and just stares, all her inhibitions going out the window. She’s too distracted by Jerramy’s arm around Hope’s waist to realize that she absentmindedly takes him up on his offer.

 

-

 

They’re all seated in a rather small booth. Kelley shifts uncomfortably in her place, staring straight in front at Jerramy, who has yet to remove his arm from around Hope. They quickly order food and drinks while Kelley looks down at her watch for the tenth time since they’ve been seated. Jerramy’s voice catches her attention for the second time that night.  

 

Jerramy instantly begins the conversation, turning to Hope, “So where’s our dear friend Carli?” 

 

Hope jokingly nudges him, “Injured, remember?”

 

“I know, I know,” Jerramy concedes, but then points out, “But I think this is the first big milestone you two have spent apart from one another.”

 

“Not true!” Hope frowns and says, “We don’t spend _every_ minute together…there’s been tons of birthdays and-”

 

“I’m kidding, babe.” Jerramy smiles sweetly at his flustered wife. Turning to Kelley, he continues to joke, “You would think those two were married, am I right?”

 

Kelley laughs nervously, still trying to settle into the fact that she was third wheeling at dinner- and not just with anyone, but with Hope _and_ Jerramy. Luckily, she’s rather good at keeping conversations flowing, so she simply agrees, “Oh definitely, I’m pretty sure in an interview Hope said she’d marry Carli out of all her teammates.”

 

Hope admits, “I did say that…”

 

“I was quite offended, to be honest.” Kelley mocks. It’s not until moments later that she realizes that means a lot more than she had intended it to. Hope doesn’t seem to notice though as Jerramy’s laugh fills their small booth. Kelley takes a deep breath and awkwardly smiles.

 

Kelley knows Jerramy’s about to change the subject, but notices he’s quickly distracted. He glances down at Hope’s phone, a smirk growing on his face, “Well would you look at that…look who’s calling.”

 

Kelley just barely reads ‘Carli Lloyd’ on the small screen before Hope quickly flips it over. She swallows and brushes the call off, “Oh, she’s been trying to call all evening.”

 

“Why don’t you pick it up?” Jerramy frowns.

 

“Don’t worry about her. I can call her later.” Hope says. Kelley can tell there’s a reason she doesn’t want to pick up, and she can’t help but speculate that it might have to do with the dinner they were currently at.    

 

Jerramy, on the other hand, is completely oblivious. He shakes his head, “Oh, she just wants to congratulate you. Let me see that.” Jerramy reaches out, too quick for Hope to do anything, and answers the call, “What’s up, Carli? Mhm…we’re at dinner right now. Just us- and Kelley. No, not at all- she’s right here, one sec.”

 

Hope reluctantly takes the phone from Jerramy’s hand and greets slowly, “Hey…yeah, it was good. Thanks. Yeah, he surprised me.” Kelley notices Hope’s expression fall and her body shift to the side. Hope’s voice lowers into a whisper, “I know that- yes, _Kelley_. Okay, Carli, I got to go…no it wasn’t my- I’ll call you later. Bye.” Kelley watches as Hope shoves her phone into her purse and her mind can’t help but linger on the way Hope just said _her_ name. Kelley takes a long sip of her water, thankful when their waitress interrupts them with their food. 

 

Surprisingly, the rest of dinner goes smoothly. They spend the majority of the time talking about Rio, which Kelley had not intended for when she had agreed to dinner with Hope on the bus. But with Jerramy around, the topic is fitting and more than welcome if it fills in the silence. When the conversation turns to one of Jerramy’s good friends applying for his flying license, Kelley is surprised at how easy everything becomes. She shares about her dad and brother’s passion for flying and Jerramy’s genuinely interested. Hope remains on the quiet side, already knowing most of what Kelley is sharing. Just when Kelley feels that she’s fully settled and can handle any conversation that comes her way, her stomach drops at Jerramy’s out of the blue proposition.

 

“Come visit us, Kelley.” Jerramy forcefully proposes, all out of kindness. He turns to Hope, who, to Kelley’s surprise, just nods in agreement. “I’m serious. Next time Sky Blue plays Seattle, you’re staying at our place.”

 

Kelley stutters, caught completely off guard. “That’s very kind of you, but I should stay with the team…”

 

“Excuses, excuses!” Jerramy exclaims. Kelley feels sorry for the guy; he’s just trying to be nice. Unbeknownst to him, her staying with them isn’t the greatest idea in the world. Kelley’s eyes plea with Hope for help.

 

“Come on, Kell, it’ll be fun!” Hope tries to persuade her.

 

Kelley’s genuinely shocked at Hope’s ignorance. Her expression quickly falls and all the confidence she had built over dinner is suddenly lost. Her stomach twists itself into a knot, and she’s upset at Hope for glossing over their past, acting like nothing is wrong. Kelley realizes that while she may be able to handle one dinner, she definitely cannot handle a weekend visit. She’s internally freaking out and her panicked emotions are slowly manifesting outwards. She looks at Jerramy and Hope incredulously, suddenly coming to terms with why exactly she’s feeling unsettled. It dawns on Kelley that Jerramy’s not what everyone makes him out to be; they seem like almost any other happily married couple. Maybe Hope did forget- about _them_ \- and that sends Kelley over the edge.

 

Kelley begins to overheat and she downs the rest of her water pretty quickly before excusing herself from the table. By the time she reaches the bathroom, she’s hyperventilating and gripping the counter for support. She stares at her reflection, angry with the person she sees. No matter how hard she fights, her heart remains very much open and very much on her sleeve. Kelley takes the time to calm her breathing down. She knows she’s been gone for too long, but she also knows she can’t go back out there looking like this. _One more minute,_ she promises herself. She quickly learns that one minute is too long.

 

“You okay?”

 

Kelley’s head snaps up, having failed to notice that Hope appeared moments ago. Her breathing becomes abnormal again and her heart begins to race. She looks around, thankful that there’s no one else in the bathroom. She replies with as much strength as possible, “I’m fine. I just needed a moment. I’m fine, really.”

 

“You don’t look fine.” Hope’s voice fills with concern as she notices panic and stress etched into her teammate’s features. She gently approaches, “Kell, you’re looking pale…here, let me-”

 

“Don’t touch me.” Kelley lowers her voice. She doesn’t mean to sound so harsh, but her emotions are running deep through her. She watches as Hope slowly retracts her hand and she softens her voice, “Just don’t.”

 

Hope crosses her arms, not sure what else to do. She just tells her, “You’re worrying me, Kell.”

 

“I think I’m going to head back to the hotel.” Kelley tries to reassure, “I’m sure I’m just tired.”

 

“Right…yeah. Do you need help-” Hope reaches out.

 

“I’m fine.” Kelley repeats, cutting Hope off again. She tries to smile, “Tell Jerramy sorry, and thanks for dinner.” Kelley doesn’t mean to emphasize his name with a bitter edge to her voice, but it comes out anyways and she’s sure that Hope notices. Yet again, maybe she wants her to notice.

 

Hope walks back to the dinner table alone.

 

-

 

It’s almost midnight when Hope leaves Jerramy’s room, thanking him again for the surprise and claiming it’s proper etiquette that she returns to her own room on the team floor. He understands; he’s not one to question her, and perhaps that’s what made their relationship rather simple. Hope is just about to reach her room when she finds herself turning around and walking to the other end of the hall, taking a slight detour. She knows it’s late, but she knocks anyways. There’s no answer and she looks anxiously side to side once more before knocking again. Still no answer. She’s just about to knock for a third time when her brunette teammate suddenly appears.

 

“What happened?” Ali whispers accusingly while shutting the door behind her.

 

“Is she okay?” Hope asks helplessly, still unsure as to what happened at dinner that made Kelley leave. Well, deep down she probably knew, but it’s still best not to assume.

 

“All I know is that she was out at dinner with you before she came back only to head immediately for the bathroom. She’s been in there ever since.”

 

“She locked herself in?” Hope inquires.

 

Ali just nods, “Yeah, she sounds awful…once I offered to get Dawn, she got upset and locked me out but-”

 

“Dawn?” Hope feels lost.

 

Ali gives her a genuine look of surprise and informs, “Hope, she’s been puking for the last hour…is she sick?” She then lowers her voice, “Or is she making herself sick? I don’t know…well, the point is, she’s not talking to me. I don’t expect her to tell me everything, but I want to help her…I thought about calling Alex or someone else, but it’s too late. I’m worried. She’s really worked herself up. What’s going on, Hope? What did you do?”

 

“Me?” Hope blinks, quickly becoming defensive. “Why does everyone automatically assume that I have something to do with it? That it’s my fault?”

 

Ali clearly sees the fear in Hope’s eyes. She realizes it’s unfair for her to point fingers, so she begs, “Look, whatever is going on…whether it’s something that Kelley’s dealing with alone or something that involves the two of you, please do something about it. I’ll be back in a little bit.” Ali just sighs before reopening the door and disappearing down the hall, leaving Hope alone.

 

Hope quietly walks into the room until she’s standing outside the bathroom door. Putting her head against the wood, she calmly says, “Kell? It’s me. Will you open the door? I just want to make sure you’re alright.” It’s silent. “Open up, please?” I don’t know what’s going on, but it might help if we talk it out. Ali said that you-”

 

The door flies open, startling Hope, and Kelley walks past with her head lowered. The younger woman mindlessly fiddles with her belongings, making sure her back is turned to Hope at all times. She speaks for the first time, “I told you I’m fine. Tell Ali she can come back now.”

 

“I didn’t send her away…” Hope tells her. She knows Kelley’s actively avoiding making eye contact, so she just gets to the point, “Kell, you’re not fine. Please talk to me. Are you sick? What’s going on?”

 

Kelley wheels herself around, finally looking straight at Hope who’s disconcerted by the defender’s disheveled hair and slightly red eyes. Kelley responds, “Really? How do you even have the audacity to ask me that? How can you act like you don’t know what’s going on? What do you think, Hope?”

 

Hope feels genuinely under attack. She replies, “What? It was just dinner…I thought it went well.” Hope points out before mumbling, “Until you left, of course.”

 

Kelley lets out a huff and bitterly says, “Well I’m sorry I ruined dinner for you.”

 

“Hey, I’m not looking to pick an argument right now…I just wanted to check on you.” Hope says honestly, “I’m trying to be a good friend.”

 

Kelley looks to the side, breaking eye contact once again. Her voice becomes quiet, “That’s the problem.”

 

“What?”

 

Kelley sighs, not thinking it’s worth it to bring up. She brushes it off, “Nothing.”

 

“Oh, spit it out, Kell. Something is obviously bugging you.” Hope stands her ground.

 

“Why do you care?!”

 

“Because I’m your friend!”

 

“And that’s all you’ll ever be!” Kelley suddenly cries out. Her breathing is heavy and the blank stare that Hope is giving her cuts straight through her. Her stomach ties itself into a knot again, so she clutches it and quickly returns to the bathroom. She’s nauseous all over again.

 

Hope is at her heels, shocked by her outburst, but more concerned for the younger woman’s health. Thoughts run through her head. She never realized that Kelley had been bottling everything in this whole time. She thought she was in a good place, but perhaps with her recent breakup, maybe that was bringing up some old feelings. Hope chastises herself; she should have seen that coming. As a friend, she should’ve been sensitive to those sort of things. Hope begins to realize how she’s been lacking at that job lately, too busy with the upcoming Olympics, with the gender gap lawsuit, with Jerramy. Hope leans down, placing a hand on Kelley who’s kneeled over the toilet. She begs, “Kell, you’re just working yourself up…stop.” Kelley’s first instinct is to swat Hope’s hand away, but instead, she finds herself relaxing to the keeper’s touch. She’s tired; tired of being tense, of fighting. Hope’s voice is almost as soothing as her touch, “Don’t do this to yourself, please.” 

 

Kelley gets her breathing under control again and just mutters, “You know I don’t work myself up about things if it wasn’t important…if it didn’t matter to me. And Hope, you…”

 

Kelley’s voice trails off, but Hope is there to fill in the blanks. She understands, “I know…I matter.” Hope helps lift Kelley up from the floor and leads her to her bed. “Come here.”

 

Hope makes herself comfortable on the bed, pulling Kelley right beside her. She covers the bed sheets over the both of them and wraps her arm around Kelley, who allows her head to fall effortlessly onto her shoulder. They stay like this for some time until Hope decides that they can’t avoid talking any longer.

 

Hope whispers softly, “I didn’t know he was coming.”

 

Kelley sighs deeply and admits, “It was really sweet of him to.”

 

“Yeah…it was.” Hope agrees and then says, “He’s a good guy.”

 

Kelley doesn’t want to respond; she doesn’t really need to either. Hope’s hands trail up and down Kelley’s arms, and she’s slightly put off the fact that she’s not with her husband, but rather, with her teammate. With Kelley. Laying like this, touching _like this_ , shouldn’t be the norm for them. But it is. And Hope’s okay with that.

 

“I also didn’t know…” Hope pauses and takes a deep breath. “That you still felt this way.” Hope’s statement is a partial lie; the both of them know it. No matter how hard they suppressed their feelings or convince themselves that they were no longer there, they were indeed- and would probably remain that way for a long time, if not forever. Hope does what she knows best. She apologizes, “I’m sorry, Kell.”

 

“Don’t be.” Kelley immediately stops her. She looks up at Hope, dangerously close to the keeper’s face. “I’m sorry…I can’t expect you to…” She looks back down to their laps and mumbles, “I’m just happy that you’re happy.”

 

Hope cringes inwardly. _Am I really happy though?,_ she wants to reply. Instead, she bites her lower lip and murmurs a small, “Thanks.”

 

They fall into silence again, but this time, Kelley breaks it. She finally opens up, “Do you ever wonder what it would be like if we had made different decisions?”

 

“Like if we stayed together?” Hope says for the both of them, feeling that if they were to have this conversation, they were going to be as explicit as possible. She quietly answers, “All the time.”

 

Kelley lazily wraps her arm around Hope’s abdomen, holding her close. She murmurs into the keeper’s clothing, “I thought I was the only one.”

 

Hope looks at her with a sad smile, “I’m just better at keeping my calm.”

 

Kelley thinks back onto the evening and is slightly ashamed of her behavior. She’s an adult; there’s no reason for her to be immature about this. “I’m sorry for ruining dinner…and your one hundredth shutout. I’m sure you pictured a much different celebration.”

 

“No,” Hope quickly cuts in before leaning down to rest her head upon Kelley, “I’m with you, aren’t I?” Hope feels Kelley’s smile through the fabric of her clothes; she smiles too.

 

Kelley’s hands precariously begin to wander. She’s never been one to keep still. She tells Hope honestly, “I can’t forget about us.”

 

“Neither can I.”

 

Kelley looks up, pointing out, “But you’ve moved on, Hope. You have Jerramy.”

 

“That still doesn’t mean you weren’t- and still are- a huge part of my life.” Hope counters, staring straight back at Kelley.

 

Kelley’s voice wavers, “I don’t want to let us go.”

 

“No one said you had to.” Hope’s eyes flicker to Kelley’s lips.

 

Before they lose all inhibitions, Kelley buries herself back into Hope’s chest. They both know their conversation has come to an end. Hope notices Kelley’s breathing return to normal as she relaxes into her arms. Soon Kelley is fast asleep, leaving Hope awake and alone with her thoughts. She thinks hard about Kelley’s outburst, and how she had every right to panic. Hope understands that. But what she doesn’t understand is how she chose someone else, how she’s now fully committed to that someone else when this whole time, she knows perfectly well she’s supposed to be committed to Kelley.

 

When she’s absolutely sure that Kelley is in deep sleep, Hope removes herself from the bed. She gently lowers Kelley’s head onto her pillow. She stares down at Kelley, taking in the younger woman as if this were the last memory she’d have of her. She presses a soft, but long, kiss to the side of Kelley’s head. Hope turns around, quickly startled by Ali who she hadn’t heard walk through the door.

 

Hope looks between Kelley and Ali, and quietly says, “It’s fixed.”

 

“I’m glad.” Ali nods, crossing her arms.

 

“Nothing that a talk with a friend can’t fix.” Hope smiles, looking for her phone she had set down on the dresser.

 

Ali sighs loudly, having just seen the small- definitely not friend like- interaction between her two teammates. She mumbles just loud enough for the older woman to hear, “Whatever you want to believe, Hope.”

 

“Excuse me?” Hope’s surprised by Ali’s forwardness.

 

Ali knows their history together- maybe not every detail, but enough to tell that both of them have some deep regrets. She looks at Hope with reservations and asks, “Don’t you get tired of seeing Kell like this? Doesn’t it bother you that she hurts so much? For you?”

 

Hope takes offense to Ali’s accusation; she thought her teammate was more level headed than this. It was easy to sympathize with Kelley because she allows her emotions to be shared with everyone. Hope is more reserved- Kelley had been the only one to know her at her core. Hope reprimands, “You’re crossing the line, Ali.”

 

Ali looks at Hope and she’s just about to retort when she sees a small flicker of pain in Hope’s eyes. She realizes that there’s a lot she doesn’t know about and feels guilty. She’s honestly just upset that her teammates, two people she really cares about, are deprived of what they could be- together. She apologizes, “Sorry…you’re right. It’s not my place.”  

 

Hope softens her expression, knowing that Ali had meant well. In the end, she’s glad that Kelley has more people watching out for her. If the team has to choose sides, she prays that they choose Kelley. She tells Ali, “No hard feelings.”

 

As Hope walks towards the door, Ali says, “Congrats again on the record.”

 

“Thanks. I’m lucky I get to play with you all.” Hope humbly responds.

 

Ali nods as she sees Hope out the door. “I’m looking forward to Rio…I think it’ll be good for everyone. I’m excited- I heard the Olympics are full of surprises.”

 

Hope’s eyes drift behind Ali towards the younger defender, still sound asleep. She softly murmurs, “You don’t even know.”

 

_//_

_Oh I don't love you but I always will_

****


	31. Somewhere Only We Know (The 84th Minute)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In honor of Kelley's first international goal, exactly one year ago.

_So tell me when you're gonna let me in_

_I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin_

_//_

6 minutes.

 

 _A little bit longer,_ You whisper to yourself. With the world cup final at the tip of your fingers, you feel yourself becoming restless. You’re slowly losing composure as the emotion inside builds inside you. The emotion- the sweat, the tears, the determination, the pure love for the game- that you’ve held close to your heart for the last four years.

 

You know your teammates are feeling the same; you can see it on their faces. They’re exhausted, but they, too, know what’s at stake here and use the emotion to motivate them, to fuel the adrenaline pumping through their veins. You whisper to them, _Hold on just a little bit longer._

You track and study every player’s movement, calling out guidance as often as you can. But once they take it to the other half of the field, they can’t hear you. There’s not much you can do. You walk to the end of your box and just watch. Quick touches here and there before the ball lands at Carli’s feet. Your heart begins to race as you see her surpass a defender or two- she’s so close to goal- she chips it in- and then--- and then, it happens.

At first, you’re not sure what happened, or rather _who_ made it happen. But deep inside, you just know. Your heart is leaping out of your chance and you can just tell. It can only be her. It’s only ever been _her._

 

Your thoughts are reaffirmed when you see her figure break from the sea of white and red, incomprehensible joy on her face- a joy that comes from scoring your first international goal in a magnitude of this sort, the same joy that you felt from making one of the biggest saves of your life in the very same tournament four years ago. Your teammates swarm her and you laugh softly as she tackles your best friend. The emotion takes hold of you at full force and you bite your lip to keep yourself from breaking. _She did it_.

 

You find yourself taking a couple steps closer, stretching your neck every which way just to get a glimpse of her. You know you can’t expect her to give you her undivided attention; it’s not like that anymore. You can’t ask each other for those type of things, but you can ask each other for this. For moments like _this._ You curl your fingers into your fist, bite down on your lip just a little bit longer, and will her to turn around. _Kelley, please._

 

She hears you. She’s listening.

 

When her eyes meet yours, they’re illuminated with disbelief and happiness and exhilaration. You nod and she slowly nods in return, a gesture that no one else but you both are aware of, a gesture that anxiously asks, _Ready?_

 

Ready. You’re ready to leave everything behind for a place- a sanctuary- that belongs just to the two of you. A place where there’s no despair, no apologies, no regrets. A place that makes you forget.

 

When it’s just the two of you alone, you forget. You forget about the unbelievable penalty kicks of the game. You forget her goal. You’ll forget about the moment after the game when she can’t help, but find you once more. You forget about the pressure of the tournament. You forget about the moments you’ve been through alone.

 

You forget everything except Kelley.

 

When it’s just the two of you alone, you relive and remember. You remember the mornings in bed, tangled in each other under the sheets. You remember kissing the numerous smirks off her face. You remember the ruthless fights and desperate pleas, and the decision that changed your life forever- the biggest regret of your life. You remember the painful lessons that resulted from it all. You remember every moment you’ve shared together.

 

You don’t stay in this place very long; you never have, you’re not allowed to. But you take what you can get. It’s not much, but it’s all you have. It’s a way for you to tell each other that you both still care, despite the circumstances. Of course you wish things were different, but this is enough. You realize this is enough to carry you through life.

 

You live for just you and her.

 

You live for the rare escapes. For the routine first bumps before games and for the short, but tender embraces after games. For the teasing and for the laughter. Though not often, but so incredibly worth it.

 

You live for these moments.

 

For the 6 minutes before the end of the game.

 

For the 84th minute.

_//_

_And if you have a minute why don't we go_

_Talk about it somewhere only we know?_


	32. Stay (Sugarland)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is Part II of Poison & Wine.

_**Stay | Sugarland** _

* * *

 

_Why don't you stay?_

_I'm down on my knees_

_I'm so tired of being lonely_

_Don't I give you what you need_

_//_

Overnight bag in hand, Kelley thanks her Uber driver and steps out of the car. As the engine of the car fades into the distance, she pauses and looks around. She fishes her phone out of her pocket and double checks the address, wondering if she had been dropped off at the right place. She looks around for a second time and shakes her head. Hope hadn’t been joking when she said that the evergreen trees were favorite neighbors. They were her _only_ neighbors. She sighs and swings her bag over her should. She doesn’t make it even halfway up the gravel path before she sees the front door swing open.

 

“Kelley O! You made it!”

 

Kelley grimaces, _No one calls me that._ She forces a smile and greets the tall figure in front of her. “Hi Jerramy.”

 

Jerramy grins, his arms open wide. Kelley doesn’t even get the chance to register what’s happening before she feels herself in an awkward embrace. Fortunately, she remembers to return the hug, just like any other normal human being would. Unfortunately, her mind is screaming in all directions and she’s forced to give herself a little pep talk. _You’re doing this so you can talk to Hope. You’re doing this for Hope._

“Nice to see you again.” Jerramy finally pulls away.

 

She lies through her teeth, “Nice to see you too.” Kelley watches as Jerramy bends down to grab hold of her bag and is quick to stop him, “Oh, you really don’t have to-”

 

“You’re our guest, remember?” Jerramy waves her off as he disappears with her bag down the hallway, leaving the door open to invite her in.

 

“But…” Kelley’s protests fades when she notices Hope, who’s just appeared. Her breath hitches at the sight of the older woman, laidback in an oversized pullover and sweats. “Oh, hey.”

 

Hope’s expression lights up in return as she softly murmurs, “Hey.”

 

“Thanks for having me.” Kelley realizes the formality of her statement, but she’s just really trying to display her best manners.

 

Hope notices, arching her brow. She laughs softly, “Come here.” Hope brings Kelley into her arms and the younger woman can’t help but effortlessly fold into her. Kelley sighs in content, wishing that time would stand still.

 

They eventually pull apart and Hope leads Kelley further into the house. Kelley takes everything in- the sparkly espresso machine on one of the kitchen counter, a copious amount of blankets in a somewhat neat pile near the fireplace, pictures from their wedding, a night forever etched into her mind for the wrong reasons. Kelley allows her eyes to continue wandering as she slowly realizes that Hope has a whole other life- a life she’s never had a chance to be a part of.

 

Kelley quietly compliments, “Wow, your guys’ place is beautiful.”

 

“Thanks.” Hope says, leaning against the kitchen counter.

 

Jerramy reappears and adds, “Wait until you see the view, you’re going to want to move here. You know, actually, our next door neighbors are selling their place.”

 

Kelley’s brows draw together in confusion, “Really? I didn’t even see-”

 

“I kid, I kid!” Jerramy’s laugh obnoxiously fills the house. He continues, “Unless you want to a pitch a tent out back, there’s a pretty low chance of us being neighbors. The only neighbors we have are an elderly couple who live further down the road. They’ve been here for years, and I’m pretty sure they want to be buried there.” He laughs again.

 

Kelley laughs nervously and Hope not so subtly changes the subject, “So coffee or tea?”

 

“Uh, I’m okay, thanks.” Kelley declines.

 

Jerramy interrupts, “I personally recommend the coffee. It will pair well with dessert.”

 

“Dessert?” Kelley question, peeking down at her watch. She tries to excuse herself, “You know, I’m pretty tired. If you don’t mind, I was just going to-”

 

“So coffee it is.” Jerramy speaks over her in a matter of fact tone.

 

Kelley watches as he opens a cupboard and pulls out three mugs. She swallows, “Uh, Jerramy, I-”

 

“Hey, you bailed halfway through dinner last time.” Jerramy points out, “You at least owe us dessert together.”

 

Kelley tentatively turns to Hope, pleading for help, but she just agrees with her husband, “Kell, I know you’re tired, but you can sleep in tomorrow. We already set up the fire pit on our patio. It’s really relaxing out there…please join us.”

 

Kelley is truly tired, but Hope’s voice lures her in and she fires that an hour outside doesn’t seem so awful after all. She gives in, jokingly adding, “I mean, I have to see the view eventually, don’t I?  
 

Jerramy pumps his fist in victory as he nods, “Alright!”

 

Just like their dinner months beforehand, Kelley’s not sure how she finds herself in these predicaments. She has to admit though, it’s quite relaxing. She’s cozy under a blanket, watching the sunset over Lake Washington. Jerramy was right; the view was quite enticing.

 

Kelley eyes the couple across from her, “You guys are really lucky to live here. No wonder you love coming home, Hope.”

 

Hope just nods in silence. Jerramy looks down at her, with a face that says he’s completely in love and leaves Kelley regretting her decision to come out. He speaks softly to Hope alone, “It’s our sanctuary, isn’t it?” Hope nods again, cautiously curling in closer to her husband. Kelley notices and crosses her arms not just for warmth, but to bring comfort to herself. They can both feel the tension rising, and they do their best to ignore it.

 

They all fall silently until Jerramy speaks up again, “Kelley, I’m glad you could come out here to visit.”

 

“I didn’t have a choice, did I?’ Kelley hopes that doesn’t come out as brash as it sounds.

 

Luckily, Jerramy takes her comment lightheartedly. He chuckles, “Well that’s very true…” Changing the subject, he looks in between his wife and their guest, “So, you two, who’s going to win this upcoming Sunday?”

 

“Sky Blue, fo’ sho’!” Kelley responds immediately, her competitive spirit apparent.

 

“You’re that good, huh?” Jerramy grins before adding, “I like your confidence, Kelley O’. I’ll place my money on your team then.”

 

Kelley smirks in satisfaction while Hope opens her mouth in protest, only to close it and pause. She sighs and admits, “Honestly you’re both probably right.”

 

Jerramy frowns, cupping one of Hope’s hands in his, “Aw, babe, what’s with the sudden lack of faith?”

 

Hope shrugs, “We haven’t had a good season. Or well, I’m not having a good season. I’ve been distracted…you know, with the Olympics.”

 

“Rio’s over, Hope.” Kelley scoffs, only to realize how rude she was being the moment she sees reservations flicker in Hope’s eyes. She never intended to have her reply come out with a bitter edge to it- for reasons only she and Hope knew alone. They had tried to fix things in Rio, but obviously it wasn’t entirely meant to be as they were now sitting on Hope’s porch- with Jerramy. Kelley tries to fix it, “I mean, we won our gold, so it’s time to focus on the playoffs. Come on, it’ll be fun!” 

 

“Yeah!” Jerramy agrees, snuggling closer to Hope, “Let it reign, babe!”

 

Kelley shoots him a look, teasing, “Jerramy, who’s side are you on here?! Traitor!”

 

Jerramy laughs and just shakes his head. They spend the rest of the night conversing, often bantering back and forth in good measure. Hours later, they decide to turn in for the night. Kelley’s in the guest room, unpacking a few of her belongings when Hope unexpectedly appears in the entryway to her room.

 

“You set for the night? There’s a towel in the bathroom for you and extra blankets in the closet if you need them.”

 

Kelley turns around to face her and nods in understanding, “Right, yeah…thanks. I’m good.”

 

It’s quiet, despite it being obvious that they both had something else to say. Hope is the first to break the silence, “I’m really glad you’re here.”

 

Kelley nods and gives the keeper her first genuine smile since she had arrived, despite her apprehensions. She reassures her, “Me too.”

 

“I’ve missed you.” Hope blurts out, ever so quietly.

 

Kelley stops unpacking and takes a moment to think. She puts her things down and wanders over to Hope, not one to miss out on a moment alone. She brings her arms around Hope, pulling her in for another hug- a hug more intimate than the one they had shared just hours ago. She murmurs against the keeper’s chest, “I’ve missed you too.”

 

Hope reluctantly pulls apart, staring down at the brunette. Kelley catches her stare and then follows Hope as she not so discretely glances towards the bed beside them. Kelley sighs and looks down at her hands, which have somehow occupied themselves with the hem of Hope’s shirt. She closes her eyes and stops herself, stops the both of them. They weren’t doing this here. Not in her house; not in _their_ house. She reaches behind Hope, placing a hand on the doorknob to show the older woman out of her room.

 

“Goodnight, Hope.” 

 

-

 

The smell of freshly made breakfast wakes Kelley up the following morning. She yawns before making her way to the kitchen where she finds Jerramy flipping pancakes and Hope shutting the back door, a bowl of eggs in hand.

 

Jerramy grins, “Morning, Kelley. I hope you’re hungry!”

 

Kelley smiles and watches as Hope sets the bowl of eggs on the kitchen counter. Hope tells Jerramy, “Can I just say, probably for the hundredth time, that being able to have our own chickens out back is the best part of this house?”

 

Jerramy laughs and places a kiss on his wife’s forehead. Although doing her best not to, Kelley stares in envy. She’d do anything to share this life with Hope. She quickly pushes her thoughts aside and offers, “Is there anything I can do to help?”

 

Jerramy responds, “I can start on the eggs if you finish up the last few pancakes.”

 

Kelley nods and makes her way over to the griddle. It’s not long after that she flips over a pancake, only for half of it to land on the side of the pan. She mutters to herself, “Whoops.”

 

Jerramy chuckles and Hope smirks, making her way across the kitchen to stand directly behind the younger woman. “Here, like this.”

 

Kelley bites her lip, feeling Hope’s body pressed directly against her from behind. Hope takes Kelley’s hand in her own as she shows Kelley a trick in flipping the hot cake on the griddle. As soon as their hands touch, they both take a sharp intake of breath.

 

Kelley instantly wriggles herself away from Hope and sits down quietly at the kitchen table. She stutters, “I…I’ll let you finish that up…it’s probably best.” She really means that in more ways than one.

 

As the day goes on, the more Kelley aches for a life with Hope. Just the two of them. When they’re walking around downtown Kirkland, she realizes she’s quite fond of the little town just a bridge away from Seattle. She imagines herself picking up groceries at the weekly markets with Hope. When they stop to take a picture, she imagines her hands wrapped around Hope’s waist, not platonically set aside. She enjoys herself, despite the circumstances, and by the end of the day, she’s tired and more than ready for bed. Once they get home later that evening, she heads straight to her room. She stands in front of her bed, a suitcase laid on top, when just like the previous night, Hope appears in her doorway.

 

“What time are you heading out tomorrow?” Hope asks softly, arms crossed as she leans against the doorframe.

 

“I think I’ll head out around 8 am or so.” Kelley replies, packing away a few last belongings.

 

Hope’s brows knit together slightly and reminds her, “That seems a bit early, don’t you think? The game doesn’t start until the afternoon.”

 

“I know. I promised our coach I’d meet up with the rest of the team by breakfast.” Kelley replies and then adds, “…you do realize that staying at the opponent’s house the night before the game may not give out the best image, right?”

 

“Come on, Kell, everyone knows we’re friends.” Hope says, but instantly regrets her words when she sees Kelley’s face fall, despite her efforts to act like everything was normal. It’s quiet for a moment before she apologizes, “I’m sorry.”

 

Kelley, her head still down, murmurs, “It’s okay.” She looks up at Hope and does her best to smile, “Thanks for having me.”

 

“You’re always welcome here. You know that.”

 

Kelley first chooses to ignore the implications behind Hope’s statement, but when she opens her mouth, she finds herself speechless as she just stares at the woman in front of her. She’s never been able to ignore Hope. As Hope continues to linger at the doorway, Kelley wants more than anything to invite her in. She’s staring straight through Hope’s pleading blue eyes when it finally hits her; she suddenly feels sick to her stomach- a feeling she’s well acquainted with when it came to the keeper. She shouldn’t be feeling this way. Not here. Not in her house. Not in _their_ house.

 

“Good night, Kell.” Hope sighs heavily, disappointment laced in her voice.

 

“Good night, Hope.” Kelley quickly responds. She turns her attention back to the suitcase in front of her, realizing how terrible of an idea this whole weekend had been. She should’ve never agreed to come, knowing exactly well that she, or rather the both of them, would be disappointed. She realizes she needs to talk to Hope; it wouldn’t be fair to leave everything as unfinished business yet again. As much as it pains her, she softly orders, “Hope, wait.”

 

The keeper’s head appears in the doorway, a look of hope in her eyes. “Yeah?”

 

“Hope, I was thinking…” Kelley takes a breath as she zips her suitcase, “Why don’t you stay?” A smile forms on Hope’s face as she makes her way past the doorway. Kelley realizes she’s been misunderstood and shakes her head, “No.”

 

“No?” Hope asks, the inflection in her voice filled with confusion.

 

Kelley sighs, “We can’t-”

 

“Yes, we can.” Hope interjects.

 

“I’m not doing this with you tonight.” Kelley swallows hard, determined to stand her ground.

 

“But it’s your last night here.” Hope reasons. “I don’t mind staying.”

 

“That’s not what I meant.” Kelley removes her suitcase from the bed and places it beside her feet. She rolls it beside her until she reaches Hope. Standing in the middle of the guest room, she repeats more clearly, “Why don’t _you_ stay?”

 

Hope looks down at Kelley’s bag, finally understanding what she’s implying. She begins to shake her head and Kelley speaks up again, “For good. You need to stay. This isn’t fair…to me, to you…to Jerramy.” Kelley glances at the door behind Hope.

 

Hope looks at Kelley like she’s been betrayed, though she knows perfectly well that Kelley had every right to be telling her this. Yet, she scoffs bitterly, “Since when have you cared about Jerramy?”

 

Kelley continues, “I’m not ruining your marriage.”

 

“Kelley, please…” Hope begs.

 

“I’m not going to keep doing this…I’m not going to keep asking you to stay with me every night before we’re set apart. I know very well that you won’t say no to me, and I don’t want to keep taking advantage of you-”

 

“You’re not taking advantage of me.” Hope counters.

 

Kelley ignores her, “So this time around, I’m asking you to stay not _with_ me, but with-”

 

“Stop talking.” Hope looks at her with bewilderment, not wanting to follow Kelley’s train of thought. “Just…stop.” She looks down nervously at the duffel bag and asks, “Kell, where are you going to go tonight? Please, just stay.”

 

Frustration flashes through Kelley’s eyes when she responds, “No, Hope, you don’t get to beg me to stay. You chose him…and I need to respect your decision. Like I said, it’s unfair to you that I can’t let go of my feelings. I need to deal with them, and I will, but I need to do it alone…and that’s going to start the moment I leave.”

 

“I’m not letting you go through this alone. Kell, I care about you.” Hope forcefully says.

 

“If you cared, we wouldn’t…” Kelley reminds herself that she didn’t mean to start a conversation that would turn into a fight. She takes another deep breath and tells the older woman, “You need to stay. Jerramy loves you.” His name has never been so bitter on her tongue.

 

“And you don’t?” Hope fires back in a whisper.

 

“That doesn’t matter.” Kelley says in return. Knowing Hope isn’t buying her answer, she follows up with a quiet, “No, I don’t.”

 

“You’re lying.” Hope calls her out. “It does matter…I matter to you.” Hope’s voice becomes gentler as she takes Kelley’s hand in her own, “And you matter to me.”

 

Kelley shakes her head bitterly and instantly removes her hand, finally letting out her frustration, “If I truly mattered to you, Hope, you wouldn’t have chosen him. So please, stop making this harder than it is for me.”

 

“Kelley…” Hope’s voice is pained. She takes a step closer.

 

“I’m begging you to let me go.” Kelley demands, putting one hand up to Hope’s chest, and the other hand on the doorknob behind them. “Please…stay.”

 

Hope’s voice fades as she watches Kelley disappear, the door clicking behind her. Hope wants to chase after the younger defender, but she can’t move. Kelley’s words are like weights attached to her feet and her touch burns through her chest, leaving an imprint on her heart.

_//_

_Why don't you stay?_

_I'm up off my knees_

_I'm so tired of being lonely_

_You can't give me what I need_

 

 


	33. Hymn For The Weekend

_**Hymn For The Weekend | Coldplay** _

* * *

 

_Oh, angel sent from up above_

_I feel it coursing through my blood_

_Life is a drink, your love's about_

_To make the stars come out_

_//_

It’s almost midnight when Kelley hears a gentle knocking at her door. She looks over at Mallory who had fallen asleep as soon as they returned to the hotel, exhausted from all the nerves and excitement that came with her first Olympic tournament. They had come out strong against New Zealand and felt confident in their place as a team; they could not have imagined a better opener. Careful not to wake up her young roommate, Kelley made her way through the dark to open the door. Standing in front of her is Hope, a blanket in hand and a sparkle in her eyes. She’s up to something.

 

Kelley’s brows knit together in confusion until Hope simply raises her hand and points above her head- a signal that Kelley hasn’t seen in four years, but knows so well. Kelley’s face breaks into a smile and with one last look over the shoulder, she closes the door behind her. She silently follows Hope at her heels, slowly realizing what Hope might be up to and knowing exactly where they were heading.

 

The rooftop.

 

It’s a tradition they had never meant to create. It all started with Kelley tossing and turning in bed one night, and Hope flicking on the lights and sitting up to face the newest defender on her backline. _Can’t sleep?_ Kelley’s cheeks had burned in embarrassment as she sheepishly whispered an apology, but only for Hope’s face to fall in annoyance as she also admitted, _Me neither._ Together, in the middle of the night, they snuck out of their room and wandered down towards the lobby. Somehow, they found themselves heading toward the kitchen having both agreed on a midnight snack. Finding the kitchen doors locked, they resorted to scavenging the nearby conference rooms. Kelley had come across the jackpot that was a box of peanut m&ms, left behind on a chair. Hope had laughed at the joy etched on Kelley’s face upon finding the small treat. As they walked back to their room, they heard a pair of footsteps just around the corner, and in fear of getting caught so late at night, Hope quickly pushed open the nearest door to them and grabbed ahold of Kelley’s hand, tugging her in. It had lead them to a stairwell leading up to the rooftop, and simply put, the rest was history.

 

Stepping out into the fresh air, Hope and Kelley take in their surroundings. The rooftop overlooks the city of Belo Horizonte and they spend the first few minutes silently standing in awe, not just at the beautiful skyline, but reveling in the fact that here they were again at another Olympics, living out their dream.

 

Hope unwraps the blanket in her hand and spreads it out at their feet. The two settle onto it effortlessly, falling back into the many nights they spent atop hotel buildings four years ago. They’re staring up at the stars above them when Hope finally breaks the silence.

 

“Happy birthday, Kell.”

 

Kelley gently turns her head, her eyes widening in realization. Taking note of the time and date on her phone, she laughs to herself, “Oh my gosh, I totally forgot!”

 

“Really?” Hope raises her brow, a smirk forming on her face. “If I remember correctly, I overhead a certain someone begging Alex for a chocolate cake on the ride back tonight.”

 

Kelley just smiles and admits, “Calling me out on my birthday? Tsk, tsk, Solo.”

 

Hope lets out a chuckle in return and concedes, “Okay, okay, I’ll be nice.”

 

“I really did forget though,” Kelley continues, “I was talking to Mal about what to expect these next few weeks, you know, now that the first game is over and some of the nerves have settled. The kid fell asleep on me, and it got me thinking-”

 

Hope cuts in softly, “Ha, it wasn’t so long ago that you were the kid.”

 

“Exactly.” Kelley breathes, loving how Hope somehow always ended up on the same wavelength as her. “It got me thinking about my first tournament. The circumstances were different of course, but the emotion underlying it all is the same. It just made me think about my nerves around my new role as a defender, the Olympics in itself, living up to both my own and Pia’s expectations…it made me think of you.” Kelley mumbles for only Hope to hear.

 

“Me?” Hope perks up at the mention of herself.

 

Lightening the mood, Kelley points out, “Yeah, so impeccable timing with showing up at my room just now.”

 

“Oh good, I definitely planned that.” Hope jokes, earning a soft nudge from Kelley before they fall into silence again. What Kelley had mentioned moments ago doesn’t leave either of their minds, but to ease themselves back into conversation, Hope whispers to Kelley, “Hey, I got you a little something.”

 

Kelley’s eyes widen for a second time as she watches Hope fish into the pockets of her oversized hoodie. “You did? But I…I didn’t get you anything.” Hope just shakes her head and finally pulls out a small box, handing it over to Kelley. She watches as Kelley’s face lights up, just as it did the night it all began. “No way! I was totally looking for these just the other day at the supermarket across the street, but they didn’t have them!”

 

Hope grins, “I’m sure you can find them somewhere around here, but I didn’t want to take any chances of not being able to, so I smuggled a pack in my luggage.”

 

Kelley instantly tears open the packaging of the chocolate, pouring half into Hope’s hands. Sitting together with peanut m&ms in hand like they were two little kids after trick or treating, Kelley sighs in content and shifts closer to the keeper. Their bodies just barely touching, she looks up at Hope and murmurs a soft, “Thank you…and happy belated birthday to you, too.”

 

Hope takes the opportunity to wrap her arm around the younger woman, giving her a reassuring squeeze. Kelley leans in, setting her head comfortably on Hope’s shoulder. Hope asks, “So how are you feeling?”

 

Kelley shrugs, “I’m excited.”

 

Hope knows there’s more; after all this time, she can still read the brunette like an open book. She offers, “You can tell me, Kelley.”

 

Kelley sighs deeply before continuing, “Well, I’m excited to be starting on the backline again.”

 

“You should be. We missed you.” Hope tells her.

 

“I know.”

 

“Is this causing a rift between you and Ali?” Hope takes a guess.

 

“No,” Kelley immediately counters, “Not at all. Ali and I are good. She understands, and she’s been great about it. I think the both of us just really want to see the team succeed, no matter what roles we play.”

 

“That’s good.” Hope nods in agreement.

 

Kelley finally opens up, “It’s just that I feel like I’m constantly trying to prove myself.”

 

“Kell, you’ve done more than prove yourself to this team. We value you.” Hope comforts her.

 

“I know you all do…it’s myself that’s the problem. I’m my biggest critic,” Kelley pauses and then admits, “Don’t get me wrong, I’m really happy. I’m proud of how far I’ve come in my career…I’m just one of those people who’s always going to be striving for more.”

 

Hope wraps her arm further around Kelley, “And that’s a great mindset to have, and it’s what makes you so strong and determined as a player. But like I’ve told you before, Kell, don’t get caught up in that. Never forget that you are your biggest cheerleader as well- besides me, of course.”

 

Kelley laughs at that, but her voice softens back into a serious tone, “You’ve been there since day one of all this…I couldn’t have done it without you. I owe a lot to you, Hope.”

 

Hope smiles sweetly, pointing out, “Sorry, I didn’t mean for us to have such a serious conversation. I really just wanted to celebrate our birthdays.”

 

 “Don’t worry about it. What do you expect? It’s you and I on a rooftop…things are bound to get emotional.” Kelley playfully replies. A goofy grin is quick to form on her face. “It’s tradition, remember?”

 

Hope just stares at the woman beside her and she’s transported back in time, and all the emotions and feelings that arose during hose late nights quickly flood back into her. She can tell Kelley feels it too by the steadying of her breathing. The both of them anticipate words that had been left unspoken for such a long time. A lot can change in a year, and there had been four of them since the last time they were in a position similar to now, alone on a rooftop.

 

Hope leans her head against Kelley’s, closing her eyes and breathing in her scent. There’s a certain ache in her voice when she speaks up. “I know a lot has changed…in ways that neither of us expected them to.” She feels Kelley nod slowly beneath her. “And I’m sorry for that.”

 

Kelley frowns and replies, a playfulness tone to her voice, “Hey, we’re celebrating our birthdays. I don’t want to hear another apology from you.”

 

“Alright.” Hope chuckles softly, but then tells her, “In all seriousness though, we are both very aware of the fact that our paths since London haven’t been exactly smooth nor easy, and because of that, I think we’ve drifted away from one another a bit…well at least more than my liking.”

 

“Mine too.” Kelley quietly confesses.

 

Hope takes a deep breath, but it does nothing for her shaking voice. “I never meant to hurt you like that, Kell.” Kelley’s silent; she’s heard this one too many times, but only now has she finally been able to come to terms with everything- the good, the not so good, the okays- that had transpired between them. She allows Hope to continue, “I’m not going to lie and say that I’m not happy. I am…I’m in a good place. But I will tell you, being completely honest here, that not a day goes by without some of those choices crossing my mind.”

 

“Hope…” Kelley sighs, but Hope is quick to interrupt.

 

“I know we’ve moved on, and I know you’ve heard this many times before, but I just need to say it.”

 

“I’m fine, Hope. I really am.” Kelley reassures her. “Just please don’t.”

 

There’s a soft begging to Kelley’s voice that cuts Hope and only motivates her more. Hope shakes her head and firmly responds, “I have to…if not for you, then for myself.”

 

Kelley sighs, moving her head so she’s facing Hope head on. It’s not that she doesn’t want to hear it; she just doesn’t want to risk all the hard work and tough talks that had gotten them where they were today. She doesn’t want to ruin that, and yet, she finds herself succumbing to Hope.

 

Hope takes in all of Kelley’s features before finally letting out, “You’ll always have a piece of me, Kelley.”

 

“I know,” Kelley replies, not being able to push down the feelings quickly arising. They may have moved on, but they would never forget. They couldn’t forget something so special, so sacred. She brings her hand on top of Hope’s, slowly intertwining them together. She pretends she doesn’t notice Hope’s soft intake of air at her touch, and brings their hands to her chest. Kelley’s voice cracks gently, “I keep you right here.”

 

Hope just nods; it’s all she can do, or really, it’s all she’s learned how to do. But with the soft breeze upon them and the stars dancing above, Hope can’t help herself. She can’t resist. The moment Hope’s eyes glance down to Kelley’s lips, there’s no such thing as control and they find themselves reconnecting like water flooding a drought.

 

Kelley is first to pull away, her head lowered as she tells Hope, “We shouldn’t.”

 

Hope simply lifts the younger defender’s chin up so they’re face to face. The sparkle that began it all evident in her eyes, “It’s tradition, remember?”

 

The corners of Kelley’s mouth turn upwards as they lean their foreheads together. They marvel in the thrilling perfection of being high above and leaving all their reservations below them, on the eve of yet another Olympics- a time of hoping, wishing, and dreaming in more ways than one.

 

_//_

_I, Oh I, Oh I_

_Got me feeling drunk and high_

_So high, so high…_


	34. Setting The World On Fire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, sorry for the lack of writing coming from me lately...just haven't been in the mood. If any of you follow my other two multi-fics, I've decided to put those on hiatus until the New Year. Both of those fics are heavy, and I feel like we need more happiness in our lives :) So, with that being said, I'll just be posting one shots on here for the remainder of the year. Happy Thanksgiving!

**Setting The World On Fire | Kenny Chesney ft. Pink**

* * *

 

_We were laughin' until we were breathless_

_Never felt anything so reckless, we were all lit up and restless_

_//_

“Let’s run away together.”

 

Hope had let out a small laugh before snuggling closer to Kelley, letting her head fall against hers. Out on their back porch swing, she carefully kissed her wife and let out a sigh of content- only for the moment to be broken by Kelley turning around, her eyes set ablaze with spontaneity.

 

“I’m serious, Hope.”

 

Kelley had admitted that she didn’t mean they should _actually_ run away (well they were married now and could do whatever the hell they wanted) and began to explain that what she really meant was they should just drop all their holiday plans, hop in their car, and drive away.

 

It’s not until one week later, they’re backing out of their driveway in a car full to the brim with all sorts of necessities- duffels of clothes, fold up-chairs, stray soccer balls, a tent with a broken zipper- that Hope realizes Kelley is, in fact, dead serious.

 

They aren’t sure where their final destination is, or how they’ll get there, but they do know they just want to go somewhere, anywhere- just the two of them, alone. At their first pit stop for gas, Kelley makes the effort to throw away the maps Hope had brought along with them. Hope grumbles about getting lost and Kelley counters with the fact that even if they had an idea of where they’ll end up, she’d be a terrible navigator and they’d wind up in the opposite direction as planned. Fair point, Hope thinks.

 

They somehow find themselves driving down the 101, marveling in the serenity of the pacific coast highway. They don’t speak up much; being together is enough. But when Kelley decides they need some music and the same song repeats for the fifth time, Hope has to say something.

 

“We’ve listened to this song already.” Hope points out the obvious.

 

“You know I can listen to the same song for days.” Kelley shifts in her seat, chewing on her stale piece of gum.

 

“Change it, Kelley.”

 

The tone of Hope’s voice causes Kelley to grumble, “Fine.” She leans to stop the song on her phone, and instead switches over to the radio. There’s only three stations available to them as of now, and Kelley switches between all three of them and the white noise searching for signal numerous of times.

 

“Oh for crying out loud, quit playing with the channels.” Hope scolds.

 

Kelley frowns at her wife, “Loosen up, babe.” Slightly annoyed, she takes her hand off the radio dial and peers out of the passenger window.

 

Hope notices the sudden tension in the small space between them and instantly feels bad for being short with the younger woman. It wasn’t her intention at all to make her feel that way. She reaches over, taking Kelley’s hand in her own and squeezes it as she softly apologizes, “I’m sorry.” Kelley turns her head and gives her a weak smile in acceptance. Hope continues, “I guess I’m still in disbelief that we’re spending Thanksgiving in the middle of nowhere, driving to nowhere…when we could be seated around the dinner table with the rest of the family at your parent’s place in Georgia.”

 

“Hope, I told you already, they understand.” Kelley reassures her.

 

“I just don’t want them to think I’m taking you away from them or something.”

 

Kelley sighs, knowing that Hope had always been hard on herself when it came to pleasing her southern family. They were a bit stand offish when Kelley announced that they were getting back together for a second time, but nevertheless, could not have been happier for the two. Yet, Hope felt like she always needed to go the extra mile to get their approval. She had messed things up once, and vowed to not let it happen a second time. She doesn’t dare want to give them another reason to distrust her again. She takes Hope’s hand and brings it to her lips for a small, reassuring kiss. “I’m yours too, you know.”

 

“I know,” Hope’s heart flutters; she can’t help it. She goes on, “But, I really do love spending time with your whole family.” Hope thinks back on all the times she’s spent with her in-laws, and despite her and Kelley’s rocky beginnings, she’s loved getting to know what it really means to be an O’Hara. She reiterates, “It’s really nice to…just have people like them.”

 

“And you will, for the rest of our lives together.” Kelley says confidently. “There’s nothing more that I want than for you to experience Thanksgiving back in Georgia…and you know, a few years down the road, we’ll be wrangling together our little troop of mini-mes and feed them not just one, but two slices of pumpkin pie, and watch them bounce off the walls, driving Grandma completely bonkers.” Kelley chuckles, forcing a smile on Hope’s face.

 

“Our little troop, huh?” Hope doesn’t admit it out loud, but she loves the sound of that.

 

Kelley’s eyes fill with warmth as her voice softens, “I just think that spending our very first Thanksgiving, Christmas, and perhaps other holidays too, alone isn’t necessarily a bad thing…in fact, I think it’s really special.”

 

Hope nods, allowing Kelley’s words to sooth her. Their conversation ends and after a few more stops for food and gas in the afternoon, Hope veers off to the side of the road as soon as the sun begins to lower, blinding them and casting shadows all at once. They hop out of the car and quickly pop the trunk, settling into each other as comfortably as possible, surrounded by their belongings stuffed left and right. Cuddled close together, they snack on trail mix, some beef jerky and drink cold coffee.

 

“Happy Turkey Day, Hope.”

 

“Thanksgiving, Kell.” Hope corrects Kelley absentmindedly.

 

Kelley rolls her eyes, “There goes a perfect moment.”

 

Hope chuckles quietly, “I love you; I was just trying to conserve some class before the day ends.”

 

“Nothing about this is classy, nor does it fall into the ideal, stereotypical holiday gathering.” Kelley says, chucking her empty coffee cup to the side. She leans into Hope, wrapping her arms around her as she mumbles quietly, “And I love it…it’s perfect.”

 

“This, it is.”

 

Before them, the sun meets the horizon, casting a sky of rainbow sherbet above. In a matter of minutes, the colorful sky turns dark and stars peek behind their curtains, about to dance the night away. Hope looks up, and as soon as the moon makes its debut in the theatrical display, she hops out of the trunk, wanders into the middle of the empty road, and extends her hand. Kelley shakes her head, wondering if it’s possible for someone to love one human being as much as she loved Hope, and accepts her hand. They embrace each other, fall into a slow and steady sway at the beat of their own hearts. Hope positions her head close to Kelley’s, and whispers softly into her ear, “Here’s to many more Turkey Days together.”

 

Kelley’s laugh echoes down the 101, and Hope commits this moment- their first Thanksgiving together- to her memory. They’d stay out twirling and laughing and loving all night, but the dropping temperature forces them back into the warmth of their vehicle. Hope leans over for one last late night kiss before she shifts their car into gear and they run away- or, drive away- far into the night, and into the rest of their lives.

 

_//_

_And we were up all night and we were feelin' so good_

_Yeah, we got a little higher than we probably should_

 


	35. Ghosts That We Knew

**Ghosts That We Knew | Mumford & Sons**

* * *

 

 

_So give me hope in the darkness that I will see the light_

_Cause oh they gave me such a fright_

_But I will hold on with all of my might_

_Just promise me we'll be alright_

_//_

It’s the middle of the night when Hope shakes Kelley awake. It usually takes some prodding to wake up the younger woman, but as soon as Hope’s hands touch her shoulders, her eyes open almost instantly. With Hope tossing and turning all night, Kelley too had been edge. When she turns around to face Hope, she’s met with the most frightened pair of eyes and a soft whisper that sends chills down her spine.

 

“There’s something wrong.”

 

Kelley places a protective hand on Hope as she reaches to turn on their bedside lamp. In the light, Kelley notices small droplets of sweat running down Hope’s forehead accompanied by uneven, labored breathing. She feels the color drain from her own face.

 

“No, you can’t be…are you sure?” Kelley narrows her eyes in worry. “You…can’t be. It’s too-”

 

“Early.” Hope finishes. She swallows, the fear settling in the base of her throat. “I know…it’s too early.”

 

-

 

Kelley is speeding. With each mile, her heart beats faster. She can’t focus on anything other than the road; the last time she turned her head and found Hope grimacing, she almost swerved into the other lane. They’re still a good ten minutes away from help and Kelley’s going as fast as she can, but seemingly not fast enough.

 

Despite the pain she feels, Hope keeps her eyes pointed towards the driver’s seat. She carefully watches Kelley, noticing the younger woman’s knuckles turning white as they grip onto the steering wheel in sheer terror.

 

Hope gently commands, “Kelley, slow down.” But Kelley doesn’t listen; how dare Hope ask her that? She manages to push her frustration aside and gets them where they need to be. As soon as she places the car in park, she jumps out and opens the trunk. Hope continues to watch, glancing into the rearview mirror as Kelley gathers their belongings in a rush, too abrupt for the older woman’s liking. Hope turns her head so that her voice carries into the back of the car. She repeats, “Kelley, please, just slow down.”

 

Kelley pauses and looks up towards the passenger seat. She connects with Hope and her voice is laced with confusion and frustration, “Why do you keep saying that?” Resuming her actions, she says, “I’m not going to slow- _shit_. Oh my god, I forgot the carrier.” Her eyes and hands frantically search the back of the car. She curses, “Damn it. How could I forget the carrier? It was right by the garage door, just like everything else. We put it there so that we wouldn’t forget anything, but of course I forget to grab the one thing that-”

 

Kelley’s voice fades as she closes the trunk and rounds the car to the passenger side. By the time she opens the door, she’s out of breath. Hope looks at her and scolds, “You need to slow down before you-”

 

“Before I what?” Kelley yells, in exasperation. She instantly feels guilty for raising her voice. Her expression softens as she apologizes. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell, but Hope, it’s not me who you need to…it’s just…it’s you. Hope, I can’t let you-”

 

Hope watches Kelley fall apart in front of her and attempts to ease her anxiety. “Hey, I’m going to be okay.” Still in pain, she does her best to ignore it and continues, “I know you’re scared, but I’m going to be alright. _We_ are going to be alright.” Hope places her hand on her enlarged stomach for emphasis.

 

“But what if-” Kelley removes her eyes from Hope, afraid to finish her question.

 

“Kelley, look at me.” The younger woman reconnects with Hope, embarrassed that she’s the one falling apart. Hope takes her trembling hands into her own and with a tone of urgency, she begs, “I need you.”

Kelley swallows back her shame. “I’m going to do whatever I can to make sure she’s okay- that we’re _all_ okay. But I can’t do it alone. I need you, Kelley. We’re going to do this together.”

 

Though her heart still races, Kelley slowly nods in understanding and squeezes Hope’s hand in acknowledged. She whispers in confidence, _“Together.”_

 

-

 

Doctors inform them that there’s no other option but to deliver- right there, right then. It’s in both mom and baby’s best interest. There’s not even time to call anyone, but the staff offers them as much support as possible. Still, the young couple is afraid. Anything can happen in these unexpected and sudden situations.

 

They both watch as people swiftly move around the room, prepping to welcome a new life; _their_ new life. Kelley turns back to Hope and once she meets her eyes, she knows exactly what’s on her mind and she doesn’t want to hear it. She shakes her head, “No, Hope. You aren’t going to make that choice- and neither am I because…because it’s not going to happen.”

 

“I know, but I just want to make sure we’re thinking all the possibilities here.”

 

“It’s not going to happen!” Kelley can feel herself get frustrated; she’s about to lose it again.

 

“Kell-”

 

“Don’t you dare say it.” Kelley says through gritted teeth, her jaws clenching in effect.

 

“Okay.” Hope resigns, not wanting to put Kelley through any more than what she’s already been through for the night. She pauses and waits for Kelley to calm down before expressing another wish, “Just promise me though, that when she’s born, you’ll go with her. Can you at least do that for me?” Kelley still doesn’t agree fully, but Hope watches as she nods anyways and allows a few tears to roll down her face.

 

Hope asks softly, “Together, right?”

 

This time, there’s no answer. She can’t speak, not when her faith is shaking.

 

Kelley doesn’t say another word.

 

-

 

“She’s small.”

 

Kelley chokes out over the phone. It’s 2 in the morning in Georgia, but she needed to call someone and knew she could always count on her sister to pick up. Her sister’s voice fills with concern and her questions are ones mainly out of confusion. Kelley clarifies, “Our baby, Erin, we…” Kelley has to pause, still in disbelief over the events of the last twelve hours. “We had our baby. And she’s so small.”

 

Kelley’s voice shakes as she relays to her sister what the doctors told her. They’re not quite out of the woods yet. They emphasized that the first night is the most crucial, for both mom and baby. Their baby’s chance of surviving increases ten-fold as long as nothing drastic happens within the next 9 hours. As for Hope, she’s going to be just fine, but the more rest she gets tonight, the easier her recovery is.

 

After Erin assures her that she’ll get a hold of the rest of the family, Kelley spends the next hour describing every feature of the precious life in front of her- how her tiny fingers are already curled into a fist and how her nose crinkles with each rising breath. How she’s certain that when she opens her eyes, they’ll be a deep blue, just like Hope’s; she just knows. Despite all the patches and tubes, she’s the most beautiful thing she’s ever laid her eyes on. Kelley’s heartbeat returns to normal and her shoulders drop in relaxation. It’s been therapeutic talking about their little one and even after she hangs up the phone, she wonders how a life could render her like this- in complete awe.

 

Kelley spends the night next to the incubator- just as Hope wanted- and wakes to the sound of a steady heartbeat and the sight of a nurse smiling, notifying her that both baby and Mom are on a trajectory to a great recovery. A smile grows on Kelley’s face as she rushes back to Hope’s room, just a floor below. She’s still asleep, but Kelley can tell she’s slowly coming to.

 

Kelley sits on her bed and presses a firm kiss to her forehead. Hope sighs in content, leaning in to Kelley’s touch. Kelley smiles, “She made it through the night.”

 

Hope’s eyes flutter open and she eagerly asks, “Yeah?”

 

“Yeah, and it’s really good thing. We have a fighter, Hope.” Kelley is giddy, her eyes shining with relief and excitement as she repeats, “Our little girl is a fighter…just like you.”

 

That’s all Hope needs to hear. She closes her eyes, allowing the drugs to pull her back to sleep. She doesn’t fully wake until the evening and after the doctor gives them the green light, Kelley is wheeling Hope towards the NICU where their daughter awaits them.  Kelley can tell Hope’s nervous, noticing her knees trembling.

 

“You stayed with her the whole night?” Hope asks for reassurance.

 

Kelley nods, “I never left her side.”

 

“You made sure she’s receiving all the best-”

 

Kelley cuts Hope off, “Yeah, of course- if you ask me, there are too many tubes and machines all over the place.” She lets out a small laugh, trying to lighten the mood.

 

“So is she-” Hope is clearly still anxious.  

 

“Just hold on,” Kelley laughs quietly, “We’re almost there.”

 

When they finally reach the small incubator, Hope peers through the clear glass and commits the little baby into her memory. She presses her hand against the glass and remains silent for quite some time. Her silence begins to worry Kelley, but she waits and gives her team- Hope will speak up when she’s ready.

 

The moment their little girl begins to cry though, Hope’s eyes dart up and look around the room for aid. She panics until a nurse comes over, reassuring them that the crying is normal. After the nurses is done checking the small baby, she closes the incubator. But Hope tries to stop her.

 

“Wait, I can’t hold her?” Hope’s brows draw together in disappointment.

 

“I’m sorry, Mama.” The nurse looks at her with sympathy. “Not yet.”

 

“What do you mean ‘not yet’?” Hope’s flustered and turns her attention back to the incubator. When her daughter lets out a few whimpers, she points out forcefully, “She’s clearly upset. She needs to be held.”

 

The nurse shakes her head, “Unfortunately, there’s too much risk for her to be outside her life support.”

 

“Risk?” Hope stares in disbelief. Almost shouting, she counters, “I’m her mother!”

 

“Hope, it’s okay…” Kelley reaches for Hope’s hand, doing her best to soothe the worried woman.

 

Hope turns to her wife, her eyes pleading incredulously, “I can’t…hold her?” Her voice cracks.

 

“No, we can’t…not yet.” Kelley repeats, knowing any explanation won’t satisfy Hope. Not finding any other excuse, she quietly remarks, “She’s…small.”

 

Silence encompasses them again and Kelley can feel the tension emanating from Hope beside her. She sighs, still worried about Hope’s behavior. She speaks up one more time, “Hey…together, remember?”

 

Hope doesn’t say another word.

 

-

 

“She’s small.”

 

Hope crosses her arms, looking down at her feet where a small bundle was settled in a carrier (that the hospital so kindly lent them). Kelley’s head perks up; it’s the first time someone other than her had that same thought. More importantly, it’s one of the rare times that Hope’s spoken up over their last couple of weeks in and out of the hospital.

 

Hope peruses, “Don’t you think she still needs time to grow a little bit more?”

 

“She can grow at home.” A bag slung over her shoulder, Kelley picks up the carrier and heads out to the car. She secures the carrier in the backseat and double checks that everything is securely fasted.

 

“I still think she’s too small to leave the hospital.” Hope trails closely behind.

 

Kelley reasons, “The doctors wouldn’t have discharged her if she wasn’t ready.”

 

“But what if…”

 

Hope’s voice trails off they both realize that they’re standing the hospital parking lot, outside their car, in a state of apprehension. Kelley sighs, slightly annoyed that this was becoming a bigger deal than it needed to be. “Hope, look, we get to take her home. We’re going _home_. All of us.”

 

Hope nods, finally giving in, but on one condition. “I want to hold her though.”

 

“Okay.” Kelley sighs again, allowing Hope to scoot into the backseat beside their newest addition to the family.

 

The drive home is quiet, but much more relaxing- and slower- than the ride to the hospital. They arrive home and it takes a good ten minutes for Hope to exit the car with a new life in her arms. As she approaches the door, their two dogs excitedly rush out to greet her. Baby in arms, Hope is flustered, “Kelley, I thought we agreed to lock them away!”

 

Carrying all the baby’s belongings in her arms, she reassures Hope from behind, “Come on, they’re harmless.”

 

“Look! They’re circling me! I might trip.” Hope worries, holding their daughter closer to her chest.

 

“Then put her down.” Kelley problem solves, motioning towards the bassinet in the middle of their living room. Hope reluctantly obeys, but doesn’t leave their baby’s side.

 

When the dogs rush up to her again, Hope whispers harshly, “Shoo, go away!”

 

“Hope, they’re just excited to meet their little sister!” Kelley is completely bewildered at Hope’s anxiety-ridden behavior. She crosses the living room to drag her wife away for one moment, “Just come here.”

 

She pulls Hope to their couch, just a few feet away. She watches as Hope’s eyes fill with worry and just when she’s about to open her mouth, Kelley stops her, “It’s okay…see? They aren’t going to hurt her.” They both watch as their two dogs lovingly settle down at the feet of the bassinet. “They’re protecting her.”

 

Hope sighs, allowing Kelley to wrap her arms around her. They stay on the couch, entangled in one another for awhile, soaking in the fact their lives are forever changed. It’s no longer just the two of them.  Kelley’s truly happy, and though Hope’s settled down, she still senses some tension. Kissing Hope on the corner of her mouth, she asks, “What’s gotten into you? We’re finally all together…aren’t you happy?”

 

“I know…and of course, I’m happy, I just…” Hope’s voice wavers, “Because of me, there almost wasn’t all three of us together…Kelley, she’s still so fragile.”

 

“You can’t blame yourself for what happened…it was out of our control. But the point is, today, we’re all doing just fine.”

 

“But I mean, it’s just typical that this would happen, you know? My past…”

 

Kelley is quick to silence her, “Your past has nothing to do with how these last three weeks panned out.” She brings Hope closer to her, resting her head on her shoulder, “We can do this…together, right?”

 

Hope looks at Kelley, then at the bassinet with their most precious possession, and back. She realizes right there that whatever life has in store for her, she couldn’t do it alone. She needs Kelley- always has and always will.

 

Hope smiles, pressing their foreheads together. _“Together.”_

 

_//_

_And the ghosts that we knew will flicker from view_

_And we'll live a long life_  


End file.
